Fears

I miss Michael. I need Michael to come home. I need to come to peace about the life I've lived the past two years. I need to be more patient. I need to be more understanding. I need to be more confident. I need to be more independent. I need to be more humble. I need to love. I need to be loved. I need to not feel so alone.

Service and Friendship

"I have wept in the night for the shortness of sight that to somebody's need made me blind; But I never have yet felt a tinge of regret for being a little to kind
--Unknown"

So many times I've been told that I'm too nice. I don't understand that idea and I feel confident that the Savior would not agree with this idea either. I think the problem that people see with being too nice, is that you will be taken advantage of... And I will acknowledge that possibility, but I believe, ideally we can follow the model the Savior has given in this principle.

It is true that the Lord gives us an eternal amount of second chances. We can repent, and his arms will forever be stretched out still. The key difference thing to remember is that he has taught us how to behave and how to return to him. In our own lives, we have the same ability to "teach" those around us what we expect from them... Whether it's doing the dishes, or putting the toilet seat down. If they don't meet our expectations, that doesn't mean that we get upset or give up on them. It means we continue to serve and love them even if they never return with the actions of respect or love that we desire.

I've heard so many people say that the Lord does not expect us to do this. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" kind of thinking that teaches us not to trust those who have messed up. The idea being that if we trust someone who has betrayed us in the past, we are setting ourselves up and people will take advantage of us. But I believe the notion of being "taken advantage" can only apply if you are ignorant of the situation. If you are choosing to serve unconditionally, you can never be "taken advantage of" because you are giving that service willingly. In that sense, it is all dependent on how you think about it. And I believe that willingly serving those who may take advantage of us, gives us a power through strengthening us in patience and love, while dissolving any negative feelings we may have. To refuse service because of some maleficent or unappreciated deed is immature, and more harmful to you, than it will ever be to the actor of that deed.

"Kindness, love, patience, understanding, and unity will increase as we serve, while intolerance, jealousy, envy, greed, and selfishness decrease or disappear. The more we give of ourselves, the more our capacity to serve, understand, and love will grow."
--Carlos H. Amado, "Service, a Divine Quality"

"The Savior will let you feel the love He feels for those you serve. The call is an invitation to become like Him."
--Elder Henry B. Eyring

In my life, I feel a great responsibility to touch and influence the lives of those around me for good. I have a constant fear that the people who cross my life will do just that.. "cross my path." I may only have a short amount of time with any one person that enters my life. I might not have a lifetime of friendship to love and cherish them and to be there for them in all their needs. And to be honest, that scares me. One of the greatest talents I possess is my ability to make strong friendships, especially in times of need. I hold myself to high expectations of "what a friend is." Sometimes I fear that makes me only a successful "bad weather friend." I have seen the Lord put people in my life that needed me. And I have also seen many friendships dissolve when the trial was over. "Our paths cross" ... but do not seem to stay on the same path for very long. Sometimes I resent this. It is in trial that I have seen myself grow closest to friends in my life. To watch such a powerful friendship dissolve afterwards, is awful.

Trials are extremely powerful things that lead to a plethora of opportunities. It is in trial that we have that opportunity to grow closer to our Savior and our King.

At the same time, I deeply appreciate knowing that I can be an instrument in the Lord's hands. I feel such gratitude for the opportunities I have had to get to know so many wonderful and precious Children of God. I love them. And I know the Lord will allow me a few kindred spirits that I can save as my closest friends for my entire life. I cherish the opportunities I have to learn and grow from them and to love them for a life time. I pray regularly for the blessing that my most cherished friends will spend more time in my life than just to "cross my path."

"We become more substantive as we serve others--indeed, it is easier to 'find' ourselves because there is so much more of us to find!"
Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball, 85-86)

If there is anything in the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that I have a testimony of, it is service. I hope and pray with all my heart to be in tune to the needs of those around me. I pray for the spirit to guide and direct my words and my actions. I want nothing more in life than to know that I have spent a life time in the service of my God and my fellow man.

I have such a strong capacity to love that I yearn to feel more love for those around me. And the best way I know to find that is to serve. I want a life of service. It is in service that I learn the most about the characteristics of my Savior and that I yearn to be more like him. It is in service that I grow. I find myself. And I find an unending well of possibility that I can continue to find as I perfect my ability to serve and love unconditionally and to see others through the eyes of Christ.

Hands like His

Today I went to the Salt Lake Temple with Ann. If there is anything to be remembered, it is the spirit of the pioneers that could be felt in that building. Sitting there it didn’t feel like there could possibly be anything much more important than sitting in that room, full of heritage, imagining those people… people like Brigham Young who had walked through those halls and had baptized the saints in the same font I was about to climb down into.

For whatever reason, the whole time I was there, I couldn’t stop thinking about our dear friend, Vanessa. For those of you who don’t know Vanessa… she was blind. Vanessa was one of the sweetest people you would ever have met and the most patient. She never let being blind inhibit her from doing anything she wanted to do. She died a few months ago. Every time we went to a temple with Vanessa, someone would take her by the elbow and guide her by the walls so she could feel the designs in the woodwork and admire the beauty of the temple through the feeling in her hands as someone described them to her to the best of their ability. I remember her being sad when we went to the San Antonio temple, because San Antonio’s beauty is in the art work and in the stained glass windows and not in the woodwork. It was hard for her to appreciate the beauty of that temple when she was used to the Houston temple. But she always kept in mind that she was in the Lord’s house, and that made it beautiful.

Salt Lake City Temple was very simple inside. Most of the woodwork was simple. But the parts that had designs were beautiful and ornate. Imagining some pioneer carpenter making them by hand was awe inspiring and added to the feeling of sacredness to the room. I also spent a lot of time admiring the oxen. Their faces and their eyes showed a sense of deep concern. I felt like their eyes were communicating the tragedy that so few people come to the temple… the tragedy that so many souls out there have yet to have that saving ordinance of baptism and be sealed to their families. Their eyes showed a Christ like love.

The whole time Ann and I sat in the baptismal room I thought of Vanessa and how she would have seen that room. After I felt like I had absorbed the room as much as I could visually, I closed my eyes and felt everything I could with my hands without trying to be obvious about it. It made me sad that Vanessa would not have been able to feel those oxen, as I was not able. How would someone have described the emotions in the eyes of those figures? Most things were simple as I said… but there was something very different about cutting off the perspective of eye sight and feeling things with my hands. I felt like the age of the building was seeping through my hands and telling me things my eyes could not. I still felt the spirit of the room, even when my eyes were closed. I knew Vanessa would have been able to feel the spirit in that room and feel its history as I was able, and I just knew she would have loved it. With all her heart.

I thought a lot about hands. I don’t think we think enough about hands. Hands are so sensitive and can feel so much. They can also do so much. Sitting in the temple, thinking of how Vanessa used her hands to see and not just feel, I thought to myself, that Vanessa probably understood hands so much better than anyone else. If we let him, the Lord’s hands can be working constantly in our lives, helping us to grow closer to him. I thought about our hands, and how like most seeing people, we don’t appreciate our hands as much as the blind. Our eyes blind us in a sense, if that makes any sense. If we let the spirit guide our hands, our actions… we too can grow sensitive like the blind when they read brail. We can act as the Lord’s hands in the lives of those around us, sensitive to their needs we can serve the Lord as we serve them. It’s a special part of the gift we have in being on this earth.