Managing Female Friendships

We all remember that Emily is gay. Right? 

So the other day, I recounted to a friend, the first day I had met a mutual friend of ours. It was their first day at church after moving to our town. We were having a discussion about how awareness and understanding of our divine identity affects our lives. I ended up feeling prompted to share with the whole room of women, that defining myself only as gay felt very limiting, but that focusing on my identity as a daughter of God was very freeing in that it encompassed all of me, including being gay, and made room for me to be so much more than just one thing. It was perhaps an awkward moment but also a good one. 

Anyway, when the meeting ended, as part of leadership I felt obligated to approach the new girl and try to make her feel welcomed. Got her number, (which, after a gay-confession felt really uncomfortable to ask for), and I texted her the info for our park play date group and book club. 

I texted a few random get to know you questions to this person over the coming weeks and felt increasingly awkward as time went on. The fact of the matter was that I had never tried to become friends with someone where the fact that I was gay was the absolute first thing they knew about me. It felt like the giant elephant in the room. 

Anyway, remember this was a story I was telling a friend? So, in this moment she asked me a question. She asked if I thought that knowing this about me would somehow change something for that friend. To which I responded with an emphatic yes. (But let me just say there was something comforting about this person acting under the assumption that knowing this would NOT change anything). Of course it’s difficult to tell how much of any situation is actually there, and how much of it is just in my head, but to me, any time someone finds out that I’m gay it feels like there is instantly a different level of accountability. Anything I do could be evaluated on a level of “what if this were a man doing this.” Any touch could be misinterpreted, any glance could be misinterpreted, questions or expectations can be misunderstood. I worry about it a lot.

So how do I deal with this? Well, let’s continue using this story of this mutual friend as an example. Initially I wasn’t too stressed about it because my first impression was that I was never going to be close with this person and therefore their acceptance of me didn’t matter too much because they weren’t important enough for me to care what they thought of me. But as time went on I felt myself feeling inclined to trust this person, so I decided I needed to approach the elephant in the room and find out if there was any issue or discomfort that would stem from it before I let myself care. So we talked about it. Reassurances were made that I was not sexually attracted to her, and she was 100% straight. But also, reassurances were made that my attractions in general did not make her uncomfortable. And honestly it took a few times of being reassured before I let myself really sit in that assurance. 

As we started spending more one on one time together I asked her to speak with her husband and make sure that he knew and was also comfortable with me spending time with his wife. We discussed boundaries, and I made it clear that I never wanted to cross any. I requested that she be open in communicating with me if I ever did anything to make her uncomfortable so that I could adjust accordingly. I told her that I never expected her to keep secrets from her husband. And I have regularly reinforced that her husband comes first. Honestly this helps reinforce in my brain not to expect or hope for anything different. I had a similar conversation with my husband too, but instead of “hey my friend Emily is gay, are you okay” it was a reassurance “hey my friend Suzie is straight, and there’s nothing there.” Because I don’t want him to ever have to wonder. And I encourage him that he can ask too. Not that every friendship follows that example to the letter. I was far more pointed in this situation because again, first friendship where the person knew I was gay right off the bat.. But I think it makes a point.

My husband can see my location on his phone. He knows the passcode to my phone. He may not always remember the password to my email 😅, but my email is permanently logged into my computer which he also has easy access to. We have a no-secrets rule. That doesn’t mean I tell him everything that my friends tell me, because confidentiality is not the same as a secret. And it doesn’t mean he roots around in my phone but we both know the option is there and it’s ok because there’s nothing to hide. He and I both know that our marriage will always be first priority, and anything that has the power to affect our relationship will always be shared. 

When I am spending one on one time with someone, I tend to ignore my phone because I want them to know that my focus is on them in that moment. And if my phone is blowing up, then I’ll put it on silent. But my husband’s texts always ring through. And unless the moment is super sensitive like they’re telling me something while in tears kinda moment, then I make it a priority to respond to his texts promptly so that he knows I am thinking of him and he comes first. 

People who knew me in high school might remember that I was extremely touchy feely. I didn’t have a space bubble and most of my friends didn’t either. Now days, I tend to be far more strict with how I touch people. For years I stopped initiating touch with female friends entirely - no hugs, no hands on the arm, nothing. It was something I felt like I needed to do so that there were no questions and no temptations… but eventually I decided that I needed to respect that touch is important to me and how I feel and express love, and I needed to start allowing myself to adjust that boundary. That is still a new thing for me, and I’m still very self conscious about it. If I just touched your arm in the midst of our conversation you can bet that I thought about it both before and after to evaluate if I thought there was any chance it could have communicated anything other than friendship, or if it was safe to do. There is still a vast difference between how I interact with people physically now, and how I interacted in high school, and honestly sometimes I still long for more. But for now, where I’m at feels safe and doesn’t risk being inappropriate. 

And in the rare case that I feel like there is either the possibility that a friend could be attracted to me or that I could be attracted to her, then I instantly put up additional boundaries. I don’t let myself feel as vulnerable with them because I don’t want to open a door for emotional intimacy. I don’t let myself hang out with them after 10pm. Things like that. 

Perhaps that answers the question, how Emily manages female friendships. You know what I love most about my favorite friendships? They tend to teach me things that help me have a better relationship with my husband, and my Heavenly Father. Cuz I have good friends. That reminds me of the most important part of how I manage female friendships... I have the trust, love and support of my husband. It wouldn’t work without that and I won’t risk losing that.