Sex

Not the first time I’ve broached this subject really, but let’s take another stab for fun. I will do my best to do this respectfully while honoring the intimate privacy of the subject.. but also, bluntly. My opinions are influenced by my religious upbringing, and my life experiences for that matter, but also, my opinions are my own, and we’re allowed to disagree, but I believe there is value for some people in knowing these opinions exist. 

What is the purpose of sex? Obviously there’s more than one way to answer this question. Functionally of course, sex has the ability to make babies. But beyond that, in my opinion, sex serves the purpose of helping spouses grow closer together. You learn to be vulnerable. You learn to feel safe being vulnerable with that person. You trust. You learn to communicate. You learn to communicate even when you feel vulnerable. You learn to seek out the other person’s wants and needs. You learn to express your own wants and needs. You learn to put their needs before your own. You learn it’s okay to expect them to care about your wants and needs. You learn to compromise. You learn to be patient. You learn how to set boundaries. You learn to say yes. You learn to say no. You learn to accept no for an answer. You learn to say please. You learn to say thank you. You learn to agree and you learn to disagree. You try new things together. You fail together. You succeed together. You laugh together. You experience pleasure together. You experience disappointment and hurt together. You learn there are some things as husband and wife that are yours and yours alone. Life happens and it’s not perfect, and you may fight and you may cry and you may dance and you may leap for joy… And afterwards, sex is there for the apologies, for the healing, for the celebrations.

Does this mean that sex happens more often than the 5 times I’ve been pregnant? Yes, yes it does. 

Does this mean that my husband is entitled to my body just because he’s my husband, or because it’s Valentine’s Day or because it’s his birthday, or what have you? Nope, no it does not.

Does this mean that sex should be used as a manipulative weapon to be given and taken away to control my spouse? Nope, no it does not.

Does this mean it’s okay to try new things beyond the standard “missionary position”? Yes, yes it does. 

Does this mean that it’s okay to enjoy sex as often as your personal preferences and life allow? Yes, yes it does. 

Does this mean that we should allow taboo to dictate what is and is not okay within your sex life? No. I would say no it does not. What happens in your sex life should be determined between you and your spouse, and what you both feel comfortable with. But what is considered taboo should not be the deciding factor.

Does this mean that both parties should be able to expect pleasure from their sexual encounters? Yes, yes it does. There’s a natural give and take when it comes to sex. And while it may not always be equal, you need to find balance. Any relationship where one person is always giving or always taking but not vice versa is destined to have its problems. Find balance. 

Does this mean that you should feel free to discuss your sex life with friends / family / neighbors and acquaintances? No, it does not. However, can I put a big caveat here? I believe you should feel free to discuss your sex life with others in so far as you believe it will have a positive impact on either your relationship with your spouse, or the other person’s relationship with their spouse. Those should be the only goals. This should be done carefully, with respect to all parties, and unsolicited advice / information should generally be avoided… but while sex is a partnered activity, we are still individuals. And it is important that we are able to communicate with people when it’s needed. Friends have helped me learn to communicate better with my spouse, and there have been moments when I have felt prompted to share things from my sex life with others to help them on their own journey. There were no graphic details. Nothing crude. No disrespect… just the best intentions to help a friend. And that is wholesome and good.

I hope my friends know that I aim to be a safe person to come to when they have vulnerable or taboo things they wish they could discuss. 

I was once told that “Sex is like a fine wine, it gets better with age.” I don’t really think age has a whole lot to do with it, although some arguments could be made there. Really, it comes down to time. Because it takes time to learn all those lessons that we can learn through that sexy time with our spouse. And even when we think we’ve learned something… there’s usually still room for improvement. 

There’s so much more that could be said here. And perhaps if I’ve failed to include something critical, there can be a follow up post in the future ;)