"As Sick As Our Secrets"

It’s amazing to me that it’s been a year already. A little more than actually. A year since I disclosed about going to Addiction Recovery Meetings. A year since I disclosed about taking anti depressants. A year since I disclosed about experiencing same-sex attraction. I don’t know why it’s been on my mind of late but I wanted to share some of my thoughts on the “aftermath” of that blog post.

Writing that blog was interesting to me because I had complete peace in doing so when even in hindsight it seems like something I would have been more anxious about. Admittedly I was nervous about the reactions of certain key players but was assured by that sense of peace I had. But I believe that those who love me, love me unconditionally, and love me for who I am. 

What I wanted to comment on was the few unapproving responses that I received. There were some who commented they “hated these kinds of disclosures” and felt it was unnecessary,  didn’t see the point in it. Apparently the blog struck some people as nothing more than weird attention seeking behavior. 

And you know what? What it comes down to, is that the blog wasn’t written for those people, in reality it wasn’t written for anyone. It was written primarily for me. I heard a quote recently, I won’t say where, (cough, a TV show) that hit it right on the money: “We’re all as sick as our secrets.” I have always hated secrets. Not the cute ones like some friend sharing that they like some boy and the make you promise not to tell... but the secrets that weigh on you. Secrets that Satan tries to use to keep you feeling shame. Writing that blog was my way of standing up for myself and refusing to accept that shame. It was cathartic, as this blog often is. And it was also written in hopes that it would help serve that same purpose for someone else. And in that sense, I was successful. 

I will never regret writing that blog. I will never regret that writing that blog created a safe place for more than one friend that disclosed to me afterwards. I will never regret adding to the normalization of the topic. And I will never regret writing for myself on the proverbial wall:

“I will not be shamed.”

And I will keep telling myself that every single day. Every day that I experience anxiety, every day that I feel “less than,” and every day that I feel different, and whenever depression strikes hard... 

I will continue to write on the wall, I will not be shamed.