#MormonAndGay

My Facebook feed has fairly recently been filling up with this hashtag. Not overwhelmingly so, but it's there. I didn't learn until today that it wasn't just some separate group of Mormons that was instigating this. Instead, there's a legitimate link connected to lds.org that is dedicated to this subject:

https://mormonandgay.lds.org/

I'm not entirely sure how to best describe my thoughts on this subject without things getting too personal for me. But aside from any personal feelings I may have on the matter.. I think most of us recognize this is a sensitive issue. Most of us in this day and age have probably known someone, even if they weren't a Mormon someone, who identified as gay, lesbian or bi-sexual etc. I have also come across members of the church who identify, or have identified as experiencing same-sex attraction. We love these people. And no one wishes sadness or hardship on those they love. I should make one thing absolutely clear. No struggle in this life, regardless of any one person's opinions of said struggle, qualifies a person for being hated or abused or disliked or anything of the kind. Each of us experiences trials uniquely suited for our personalities, strengths, weaknesses, etc... and are designed to help us build the tools Heavenly Father needs us to have to be of the most use to Him. It's up to us to figure out what we are supposed to learn, and how we can best utilize the lessons we have learned in order to bring people to Christ.

That being said, I think the idea that society should accept any or all inclinations as "normal" or "okay" is naive regardless of whether or not people are born that way or whether it is due to their experiences and choices in life. Take pedophilia for example. For the most part, we as a society, do not accept this as acceptable behavior. We deem children to be unable to protect themselves, unable to carry the weight of sexual activity, and therefore unfit to make such decisions or engage in such relationships. If that opinion were to change, then there would be no reason, under the current political atmosphere, for sexual relationships between an adult and a child to be prohibited. As it is, it's probably a little shaky anyway since we already have policies in place to try children as adults for serious crimes committed. Gut reaction? That'll never happen. But, you know what... people criticized the LDS Church for not supporting the Equal Rights Act despite the fact that the Church teaches that men and women are equal. The Church's issue was not with giving women more rights, the issue was the holes and connotations of the Act that would allow other things it would not support such as co-ed bathrooms, or forcing women to join the draft. Everyone said "that will never be an issue" "that's ridiculous" and I remember thinking the same thing when I learned about it myself. But look where we are today...

Now, I know it seems rather unfair to compare gays to pedophiles, and I do not mean any offense by that. Like I said, all struggles are legitimate. I do not believe that experiencing an attraction to children makes someone a terrible person. That person wants to feel love, give love, be loved, just like anyone else. And often those feelings are a symptom of their own life experiences. And Heavenly Father understands how our experiences effect our bodies and our minds better than any of us do. Just because they feel like that love can only be experienced with a child, does not make their feelings illegitimate, and it does not make them a terrible person. Acting on it is what is wrong. And I feel sorry for any person who struggles with something they find contrary to their personal values. What makes it wrong is that children are in fact, not ready to carry the weight of those kinds of relationships, and, of course, I do not believe Heavenly Father approves of any relationship that limits spiritual or personal growth. Regardless of the attraction or temptation, we cannot just accept it in order to avoid offending someone. You may say that they can never be happy if we do not make them feel comfortable in the lifestyle they are inclined to follow, and they should have the same rights and chances to be happy as anyone else, but we simply cannot, and do not make laws based on that idea. I may be inclined to steal in order to be "happy" but that doesn't mean it should be legal. I may be inclined to kill people, but that doesn't make it right or legal. Perhaps I feel like I cannot experience joy without hurting people, that still doesn't make it right. It doesn't matter if it's between "consenting individuals." We do not accept this excuse in any other circumstance, but for some reason, we have applied it to the gay narrative. I understand the argument, and I feel the pain of knowing someone may not be able to express their love. That is truly saddening. I have worn those shoes, struggling with things contrary to my values, and it sucks. But it doesn't make them right.

When I first began researching the Church's stance on same-sex attraction back in high school, I was so incredibly glad to find that the Church agreed with this notion that no struggle makes someone inherently unworthy of gospel blessings. The church does not support any extra-marital sexual relationships. Doesn't matter if you're straight or gay. Many people argue that that stance should not prevent the church from supporting gay marriage. But, the fact of the matter is, one of our primary beliefs is that there are spirits waiting in Heaven to be born. And they cannot have the blessings of celestial glory, experience the joy of life, or family, experience personal growth, or gain the experience of finding and choosing Christ on this earth.. without a body. A body is required for growth. And the fact of the matter is that homosexual relationships cannot fulfill that sacred responsibility to create life. Therefore, they are contrary to the plan of God. The fact of the matter remains that we were not sent to this earth just to experience joy and intimacy. We were sent here to learn, to create life, and to grow closer to God. And if homosexual relationships are contrary to God's plan, we cannot grow closer to him by choosing a life contrary to His plan. We cannot grow to be the greatest tool in His hands if we are not striving to fulfill his plan for our lives. Consider for a moment the concept that all our trials and struggles, whether physical, mental, emotional, situational... they'll all disappear in the "next life." If same-sex attraction is nothing more than one of those struggles and it all just disappears... Wouldn't it be sad if that had been one of your primary focuses on identity and growth, and then it was all just stripped away? There are other things, than just our sexuality, regardless of your sexuality, that should be prioritized in life. Helping people come to Christ is one of them.

I will certainly never argue that it is fair. The notion that someone may go through life feeling unable to connect with someone in that special way regardless of the reason, whether it be because they never get married, because they feel an attraction they cannot act on, whatever the reason... that sucks. But life isn't fair for any of us. We all experience things in life that aren't "fair." We all experience things we wish we could change but cannot. That does not make any of us entitled to anything. We are not entitled to "fairness." That does not mean we cannot find joy. Plenty of people never get married. Plenty of people never get what they want. That does not mean we cannot overcome our trials even if they continue to taunt us our entire lives. We are stronger than that. We are more creative than that. Plenty of people go through sucky life experiences, growing up in orphanages and foster care, or being abused in childhood and/or adulthood, or even simply being a woman among chauvinists, or a minority surrounded by racists. The effects of those trials may never leave those people. They may be haunted by them the rest of their lives. But that does not mean they cannot experience joy. Obviously we should do all we can to limit those kinds of things from happening to people, which you may argue is cause to support gay marriage, but like I said... our experiences help us grow to be the tools God needs, and our choices are meant to be ones that align with God's plan. Take away the struggle and perhaps you are taking away that opportunity for growth. No matter our struggles, we are all children of God. We have divine potential. We are loved. In short, we are all awesome. And the beauty of the atonement is that Jesus experienced all pain and temptation. He understands, and knows we can endure. Because he knows just exactly what our potential is. He knows exactly how awesome you are. Trust in that.

Now, on a more relevant note regarding the hashtag, #MormonAndGay... I wonder how many people are wondering how this relates to the comment Elder Bednar made a while back about how there are no gay Mormons. I thought I'd clarify this and talk on it for a moment. Realistically, this is one of those quotes that is taken out of context and has loads more meaning, and makes loads more sense when put in context. The full quote:

"I want to change the question–there are no homosexual members of the Church. We are not defined by sexual attraction. We are not defined by sexual behavior. We are sons and daughters of God and all of us have different challenges in the flesh. . . . Simply being attracted to someone of the same gender is not a sin."

Elder Bednar is by no means attempting to argue that there are no members who experience same-sex attraction. Far from it. He is merely attempting to change the narrative. What he is arguing is that our sexual preference should not be something we consider paramount to our personal identity. I do not consider my attraction toward brunettes as part of my identity. I do not include my love of chocolate as part of my identity. No matter how high on my list of priorities it may be, that still doesn't mean it is part of my identity. I would be considered a strange one indeed if in every introduction I declared my love of cheese as being one of the top things you needed to know about me. Even more "normal" things, like a love of dogs, that very well may be something people include as something people should know about them... doesn't have to be part of their "identity." My identity is first and foremost, a child of God. I am a daughter, a woman, a wife, a mother, I am not my likes and dislikes. I am not my good and bad choices. I am not my trials or traumas. I am not my mental or physical illnesses. I am who I become because of those things. But I am not THEM. And only I can decide who I become because of those things. Thus why one of my favorite quotes is:

"We conclude that the Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become."
-Dallin H. Oaks

This is why the church does not tell people who experience same-sex attraction to bite the bullet and marry someone of the opposite sex. Because it would be more miserable to pretend to be interested in something you're not, and unfair to the other person in that partnership, and "going through the motions" is not what our Heavenly Father wants from us. If someone first feels that they have overcome their same-sex attraction and feels they are able to experience heterosexual attraction, then yes, marriage is one of our primary goals as Latter-day saints. But that change is paramount, and not everyone may experience that change in this life. If you believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan to show us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become, then you must believe that making choices congruent with that plan should be priority number one. I, for one, am interested in seeing the potential my Heavenly Father sees in me, and doing what I can to reach that potential, rather than focusing first on my personal pleasure.

I totally understand the difficulty in not tying one's sexual preferences into their identity. Society has taught us that it is, and it is easy to become a product of societal expectations and beliefs. Might I share the following quote from Elder Holland:

“You serve yourself poorly when you identify yourself primarily by your sexual feelings. That isn’t your only characteristic, so don’t give it disproportionate attention. You are first and foremost a son of God, and He loves you."

I think that is a wonderful way of putting it. Do not underestimate yourself, your identity, or your potential. We each have a thousand personal characteristics, the combination of which make us unique. Who we become because of those combinations are unique. But there is no reason to put one characteristic above the others. Do not give it disproportionate attention. Do not forget your other qualities. Don't forget that you have a hundred talents you could foster, a hundred passions. God did not put us down on earth to experience only sadness or only joy. We need both in our lives. The church is not necessarily trying to push people to forget the characteristic of experiencing same-sex attraction. Merely focus on the growth we can experience by cultivating our other traits. And remember, nobody's worth or value is lessened because of the struggles they experience or the mistakes that they make.

By no means, do I expect everyone and their dog to agree with me. By no means, do I expect that the world will ever accept this notion without divine intervention... By no means do I expect anyone's opinion to change who is not already on the fence. By no means do I intend to insult, hurt or slight anyone or their experiences. And I certainly do not intend to imply that mine is the only opinion that is valid. All I am saying... is that the ability to act on one's impulses is not a prerequisite for happiness... You CAN be gay, and Mormon, and live fully within the guidelines of gospel principles, and be HAPPY. I'm certainly not saying it isn't hard. Lot's of things are hard. But it is possible. And Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. But he loves us enough not to encourage us to seek only temporary, earthly happiness. He wants us to seek eternal happiness. Eternity is a lot longer than just today. Plenty of us have been willing to eat our undesired vegetables in order to earn dessert. It may be hard to apply that to the grand scheme of things... but... hard things often have big rewards.

And, if you have made it to the end of this blog... you deserve dessert ;D Let me know if you ever need to cash in. If proximity allows, I'll certainly comply ;D Unless you're some random dude I don't know 😜