Someone told me today how surprised a few people were when Michael and I decided to get married. We were too young, just babies. I suppose I knew there was some level of indignation based on prior contact, but I hadn't really thought age was one of the issues. And then people were surprised when we ended up being "good parents" despite our age. Which seems funny to me. At least from my standpoint as a woman, I know that the desire to nurture is something fairly innate. I have been a very empathetic, and nurturing person, I feel like, for most of my life.
Becoming a parent, I admit, was a bit of a scary concept because I wasn't sure I had a good idea of a pattern that I wanted to follow. But I knew I wanted to be a mother from the time I was 6 if not younger. And when it comes to motherhood, I think that those that have the desire, have the ability to excel--no matter the circumstance.
Later tonight, I received a bit of advice regarding control. When it comes to those whom we are nurturing, child or not, we cannot always control their actions, and we cannot always provide punishment for their mistakes/wrong doings...(God's pattern, if you didn't notice). This is something that most of the time I feel like Michael and I have done rather well at regarding our son, despite the urge to expect perfection at times.. And anyone that sees differently... I think you're probably seeing a different side of things because we're attempting to control him for your benefit, not our own. What you might see is not the norm. And, I admit, lately my patience has been thinner due to being highly pregnant and emotional and wanting to cry a lot.
There's a big pressure in society and even in our own families to do things the way that others think they should be done. I greatly dislike it. But I understand why it's difficult for people not to expect things to be done according to their own expectations. But that pressure is doing little more than making nurturers everywhere feel insecure, unqualified and depressed. Tell me when was the last time any of those things led to good work or parenting? Yeah, didn't think so. Boosting people and encouraging the positive things they are doing is FAR more efficient and effective at encouraging and nurturing good behavior/parenting in those around you than providing unwarranted critique. FYI.
I used to be a much better nurturer towards people outside my family. It was something I prided myself on. I can't really explain what happened to lose that and it would take far too long to do so.. But I think I kind of felt burnt out, felt taken advantage of.. I didn't used to have expectations, acted unconditionally, but people kept telling me I needed to take care of myself too, make sure people weren't taking advantage of me...
And to some extent they were right, but I also think it's that kind of thinking that made it possible for me to feel burnt out. I feel very disappointed in myself, how different I am now than I was then regarding my ability to love people and loyally do anything for them. However, in the end, it was one of those relationships going awry that helped me feel closer to my own family again. So.. That's a line I'm still working on figuring out.. Since I also believe in the principle of putting on your own oxygen mask before someone else's. And focusing on my family rather than someone else, was a positive.
But I also think of the principle, that it is not until we lose ourselves that we truly find ourselves.. And I think that's what life should be about.. I was never happier than when I felt lost in the cause of helping those around me. I never felt more like myself. I was only saddened when I began to think more about my own needs than theirs. Of course, I may also need to consider that it is possible to lose yourself serving your family, and there's nothing wrong with that! But I still feel like it's one of my duties to extend my love outside my immediate family as well.
So, while I still feel a bit lost, stuck, judged and far below my potential... I also know that I have potential, and that there is hope. I know I know how to nurture, and that's important. I think it's okay for my focus to be on my own family right now, but I also think my horizons need to be expanded.. And despite any judgement regarding any failings I may have as a parent or nurturer, I think I'm meant to do things my own way, with the help of the Lord.
I just need to keep finding new ways in which I can pull myself closer to the Lord again... I know it's something I'll need with the coming of my little baby girl, and I know it's something I need for myself, to feel whole again. I feel far too distant from the Lord right now. Anyway, perhaps a bit disconnected, but those are my thoughts for the evening.
