Kintsugi

I'll go ahead and dedicate this blog to my dear sister in law, who had mishaps in her morning that inspired this post. All thanks to a broken trashcan! I'm not the first to have this idea, but it was an appreciated concept in my life today.

I've been having difficulty lately focusing on parts of my life that are in a sense, broken. Moments in which I made mistakes which I still regret. I suppose forgiving myself has been a struggle for most of my life. I can remember a few things that filled me with guilt for years before finally being able to let go of them. At this point in my life, I really only have two to three things that still haunt me in a sense... but their effect has been a heavy weight and I have been uncertain as to how to let go. So, this takes us back to the reason this post is dedicated to my beautiful sister in law.

So the idea here is, that this can be an allegory for our lives as well. Our lives can be more beautiful, because of moments in which they felt broken. 

Someone once told me that she believed my life story was evidence that the Lord had bigger plans for me. I suppose when she first said that, I wasn't sure why that might be so... but I have come to understand that my story is unique, even if there are others with similar experiences. The combination of events, the way I experienced things, the after effects, the ways in which I can grow because of them, that is unique. 

That's where this concept of kintsugi comes in... I can choose to believe that my life is more beautiful for having been broken. It is unique because of those breaks. And that feels like a very tangible way of understanding how I might be able to let go. The Lord can help us fit the pieces back together. He can be that golden lacquer that holds our broken lives together. He can make our lives more beautiful than we could on our own. And more unique than if we had never been broken. I suppose there is something to be said for the fact that if you find a life, filled with these "cracks of gold," it is evidence that they have returned to God again and again to be made whole. And there is a definite beauty in witnessing someone who has been able to find their strength in God despite life experiences, willing to go back to him again and again, who has been shaped and improved by the Lord so many times. There is a beauty in being broken, and made whole again. And no two lives crack in just the same way even if they experience the same trauma. This provides us with the promise that we can be a unique tool in the Lord's hands. A unique piece of artwork that can inspire people the way no one else can. I'm grateful for the mental image this provides. 

Personally, I'm still working on coming to and trusting in the Lord to help me repair the cracks, but I can see that the potential for a beautiful, unique, finished product, is real and possible. I don't have to be forever broken. I don't have to be unpolished and imperfect forever.

In case you missed it, the whole thing is also an allegory for the atonement ;)

Someday

My son's latest kick lately has been saying "Someday I'll _________" turn the oven off, ride that slide, go sledding, cut food, make eggs by myself, ride a roller coaster, etc. I think it's darling, and somehow its fitting that he's picked this up right around the new year. It's like he's got aspirations to be a big kid, but recognizes that he can't do some things right now. And this "someday" kick has allowed him to be very chill about it. It's cute, and it's great. And writing this blog inspired me to set some goals for him so he could experience achieving goals, not just setting them.

I decided that an important part of my goal setting this year would be to sit down with Michael and make some goals together rather than just make my own goals, or only personal goals... this way we can make some goals together! I also felt like it was a bit of a trust exercise. For whatever reason, talking about my goals feels a bit like a vulnerable subject, and it's important that I utilize the occasional opportunity to allow myself to be vulnerable with him so that we can continue to grow closer together. It's also nice to have an accountability partner that's a little more involved than the blogosphere ;)

So, here are our family goals for the year, along with our after-dinner schedule that will be used to achieve some of said goals!

And, just for kicks, here is my current (ideal) schedule for Adam's daily activities

As far as my goals go... I really thought long and hard about what to make my goals be. I wanted them to be personal, achievable, and things that would take me in the direction I'm hoping to go. I suppose the other, unmentioned goal there for me, is to be better at maintaining routine ;) Thus all of the excel sheets and routine charts, ha. I created my categories: Physical, Spiritual, Personal, Family, and wanted a few goals for each category. But I also didn't want it to spin into some huge long unachievable list of goals that looked overwhelming. 

I've got to say, that my favorite goal so far has been drinking water. It's the most tangible goal on there! It honestly makes me feel as though I have one thing in my day in which I can say, I succeeded at life. Ha. I wanted to incorporate exercise into my goals, but I really wanted it to feel achievable, and like something I would actually do. I really don't care much about exercise, and I never have. So my motivation is rather lacking in that area. But I do want to incorporate it so that theoretically it has the chance to lift my mood and energy ;) So, since I got a small stepper machine for Christmas, I decided I could feasibly walk on my stepper for the first little while when Adam is watching his morning movie, before I move on to chores/being otherwise productive. I may eventually up the step count, but, for now... it'll do.

As far as self-care goes.. writing in my "burn journal" lately, in which I am only writing to myself, or to Heavenly Father, instead of to my progenitors, or other potential audience members... has been very helpful. I have really felt like I have been better fulfilling that the "self-care" category lately. It's extremely cathartic, and I find it very helpful. But, I also have felt like I need to incorporate other ways to meet this need, which is why our weekly calendar has a weekly Bubble bath, and a bi-weekly walk penciled in so that I can have some "me time." Hopefully I'm brave enough to go on short walks in the winter, despite the cold ;) I also have some time penciled in on Friday's to read my self-help books, whereas the Sunday reading slot you see is intended for purely entertainment reading which will help Michael with his goal too..

I suppose I should clarify... my "Journaling" goal, it's intended to imply my regular journal, not my "burn journal." I want to get back into the habit of journaling regularly. The burn journal, I only write in when I feel the need. No "shoulds" or "oughts" involved in how often I do it... which I love all the more.

I just realized my second to last goal is written a bit funny, haha. "Read/pray scriptures daily" oops. But, I might leave it. Because while I would like to read scriptures daily, and pray daily, it would probably also be a good idea if I incorporated praying about my scripture reading as well. And perhaps that funny oops will serve as a reminder. My plan for scripture reading is simple. It's a plan I've done before and I quite enjoyed.. I will read, until I feel as though I have gotten something out of it, until I have found something in my reading that I can apply directly to myself. It's the best way I have found to get myself to relate and apply the scriptures to my own life, and that's what I feel I need the most right now. Perhaps later I will add a block of reading like "read for 10 minutes daily" but, for now, I think this plan is what I need most.

Lastly, starting dinner by 5pm! I've been really awful about starting dinner. I usually wait until Michael gets home, and then we realize we're hungry, or Adam starts asking about food, and then we make dinner. Which makes it harder to make legit cooked meals since we are then dealing with grumpy, hungry children. And, it gives me one solid way I can look at the day and feel like I can check mark one qualifier of "good-wifey-ness" haha.

I've been really feeling like Adam needs more routine in his life. His behavior has been spiraling again, and so I'm hoping having a better idea of what to "expect" will help somewhat. I don't anticipate it fixing everything, but, oh well. The other thing that comes into play here, is that I feel like I need to do a better job of blocking off a certain amount of time every day in which I hide my phone away, and I devote my attention purely to my children. Talking to them, playing with them, etc. That's my other unwritten goal, but, perhaps one of the most important ones. Perhaps I'll have to re-print my goals for the wall to include that one ;)

I have loved having his routine on the wall! Even if we're not following it, he has the ability to go look at it, and he knows exactly what he has to do before he can watch a movie in the mornings. And, he can use it to come up with ideas of what he wants to do. I can say "Adam, what would you like to do next?" and he's often walk over to the routine, and say "music time!" or "play with Abby in the playroom!" and it is grand. It also gives both him, and us parentals, a reminder to pray before each meal. Sometimes halfway through the meal, Adam will look over to the routine chart and proclaim "Mom! We forgot to pray!" which is just darling and I love it. I'm so excited to introduce him to the goal pages, and help him achieve his goals, as well as feel more successful as a person as I attempt to achieve my own.

I'm excited to have the weekly routine as well. I love being able to point to the pictures and explain to Adam what we're doing each day. And he argues a lot less when he can look at the routine and see that indeed, the following activity is what we're supposed to be doing next. And having ideas of what to do each evening like Bubble bath night, board game night, movie night, not only fosters family traditions, it also makes life easier, because I don't have to come up with an idea for how to fill the space until bed time haha. And having things planned for Michael and I to do after the kids go to bed, not only ensures that we do things together that don't include Netflix (yknow, actual potential for bonding, not just watching TV), and it will help us be more productive. Michael's really been punching the clock putting in a lot of study time to prepare for his CPA exam that he hopes to take around March/April time frame. And I'm really proud of all his hard work. I certainly couldn't do it! But we also needed to plan to have some occasional fun despite all that clock punching so that he wouldn't burn out, and we could still have time together in the evenings.

Anyway, that's the end, hope you enjoyed my obligatory New Years Resolutions blog ;D

Deflection

Well hello folks! I feel like it's been a while! Admittedly, I have started journaling again recently and it has helped me feel like I have less to talk about here because I'm expressing it elsewhere. Which, is healthy for me. But, it's also just been the holidays and I don't believe in spending much time on tech when I should be around family if I can help it. So, here we are! I'm still working on my New Years Resolutions, which I will share with you when I feel like I'm all done, (weird that I'm still working on them, I know... but I also feel like the fact that it's less centered around the first of the year, and more centered on taking the time I need to flesh out how I can best grow and succeed, is what's best for me, so, it's okay that I'm late ;).

Anyway, I have been doing a lot of introspection lately! That is the word of the day! It helps that I drove for 5 hours of our trek to Utah for the holidays... and I had about 4 hours of driving time earlier this week for the trip to and from a doctor's appointment for my son. Driving long distances like that definitely gets me thinking. Sometimes that's why having a roadtrip buddy can be fun, as my mother in law reminded me the other day, because you have a lot of time to flesh out some fun conversations you might not have otherwise had! But it can also be nice to have that alone time to think. And my kids were pretty quiet so I had the blessing of being able to think.

I don't have the time to tell you all the things I realized about myself, or the dots I connected regarding my childhood... and really... it's okay for some of those things to remain only in my head ;) But it was really healthy for me, and I really appreciate having connected those dots. The one thing I will talk about, is that I realized in the last week or two that I have gotten really skilled in the art of deflection. It seems so bizarre to me to look back at myself in some of my therapy sessions and observe just how much I used humor or self deprication to deflect... to keep from feeling vulnerable, to keep myself from crying, to keep myself from feeling too sensitive. Some of my most tender memories with people are times when they just held me as I cried, or even just sat there and listened to me despite how much my body was shaking. The idea that I have so instinctively learned this kind of deflection to keep myself from experiencing those things seems so weird. My therapist said people often tend to close themselves off a lot more around the age of 25.. but it still feels foreign. I understood that I had created a bit of a wall between myself and a lot of my emotions... I understood that I had created that distance, but I suppose I hadn't realized that I had figured out how to stop those emotions in their tracks even when they were right at the door so to speak. My therapist mentioned that our bodies don't necessarily differentiate between physical and emotional pain.... they merely attempt to devise ways to prevent future pain, and it seems I've gotten pretty good at lying to myself or not taking myself seriously in order to keep that distance from how I feel.

I made the connection the other day when I was talking to a friend of mine. Through the course of conversation, it just so happened that it came up that there were a few years of my life where I had one of about 2-3 recurring nightmares (or variations on a theme) just about every single night during that stretch of time. For me, at this point, it mostly just feels like an understandable factoid within the context of my life. But she started asking sincere, probative questions about it, which, no one has ever done. And I caught myself coming off really insensitive about it. Like it was something meaningless that didn't have any effect on me or my life, and that the subject matter of these nightmares was trivial... and I had to stop and apologize to this friend along the lines of "sorry, I don't mean to make light of this, I think it's just how I have learned to distance myself from how much it used to hurt" She understood, and I knew she would. But it did prompt my continued thoughts on the concept of deflection.

Anyway, I don't have a whole lot more to say about the matter. Clearly it's a defense mechanism... But I do want to lessen it, so that I can increase my ability to be honest and genuine, and allow myself to be vulnerable more often again. So, I give you permission, if you catch me deflecting in some way, to call me out on it, so that I can have a second chance at being more genuine in that moment, and letting you get closer to me, by seeing a more real emotion than just me trying to keep my emotions in the bag. And it may be that I end up saying I'm not ready to broach the subject further in that moment, whatever the subject may be... but at least that is more honest than me hiding behind sarcasm or self deprecation, or humor, or laughing at myself. And ya'll deserve that honesty. And I also need to be more honest with myself. That is going to be one of my themes for this year... being honest with myself, about my weaknesses, about my pain, and about my potential.