#MormonAndGay Q&A

I have debated the decision to share this a hundred times over. I have told myself that it is not something I want to be defined by or judged by.. I have told myself that it is a part of who I am.. I have told myself that perhaps my words could change some narrative for the better.. I have told myself a lot of things. But the idea has persisted and I feel peace in sharing, which I assume means I have a role to play.

I came across the following quote the other day, and I think I took from it the opposite of what it intended.

"Secrets have power, and that power diminishes when they are shared, so they are best kept secret and kept well. Sharing secrets, real secrets, with even one other person, will change them." - Erin Morgenstern

But what if what I want is for that power to be diminished?

I have known for a long time that I am attracted to women. It is something that during most of my life I have kept on a back burner, but I recognize that it was there. And over the years I have had to come to terms with it more and more. And I hope this will help with that.

• Do I think that I was born that way? I don't know.
• Do I think it is possible to be born that way? It's possible.
• Do I think that God made me that way? No. We seem to get confused I think regarding "creation" and assume that God created our personalities, and tendencies and I don't think that's correct. We existed before we came to this earth, just without bodies. We had already made choices, had our own thoughts, our own opinions, agency. Each of us is unique. While He may be capable of giving man strengths and weaknesses, He did not, could not have micromanaged every aspect of who we are. I think most of it is purely inherent to who we are naturally. Who we've always been from the beginning of time. (Although yes I think we are capable of change, obviously)
• Do I think we are affected by our culture and our experiences? Yes.
• Do I think that God knew that based on who I am, and my experiences, that I might struggle in this area? Yes.
• Did he believe I was capable of handling it? Yes.
• Do I think God wanted me to act on those feelings? No.
• Would he love me either way? Yes.
• Do I believe God is saddened by those who act in contrast to His plan? Yes.
• Do I think acting on those feelings would affect my worthiness to live with God? Yes.
• Do I think having those feelings affects my worthiness to live with God? No.
• Is it hard belonging to a church that does not approve of same-sex relationships? No. I don't believe it's a matter of the church not approving. It's a matter of what I believe God approves of.
• Is it hard listening to people in general say bigoted things? Yes.
• Do I think that the traumas I experienced as a child and teenager have influenced my experience in this arena? Yes.
• Do I think experiencing same-sex attraction first necessitates having had a trauma? No.
• Do I think that God still loves me regardless of those feelings? Yes.
• Do I think that we should act on any and all tendencies we may be faced with in life? No.
• Does that put some unbearable burden on my life that limits my ability for happiness? No.
• Has it been difficult not to act on those feelings? Yes.
• Have I experienced attraction to men? Complicated, but I think so.
• Do I normally experience attraction to men? No.
• Would I consider myself bi or gay? Gay. 
• Do I love my husband? Yes.
• Am I happy with my husband? Yes.
• Did my husband know when I married him? Yes.
• Do I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman? Yes.
• Do I think other people should be free to make choices contrary to my beliefs? Yes.
• Did I think getting married to a man would be a "cure" for my feelings toward women? No. However, because I have made the decision to be loyal to my husband, I think it helps the same way the decision of marital commitment affects anyone. Once you are married, you [should] no longer be looking at others with the same attitude as you did when you were single because your decision has already been made. You're no longer "out shopping" so to speak.
• Do I feel self-hatred because of those feelings? No. While it may make me feel self conscience.. I am fully aware that it is our choices that define us more than our temptations.
• Do I think people should seek "cures" for such feelings? No. I would hope people are able to find the support they need to make choices aligned with their personal values. Because nobody is happy making choices that do not match with their values. And when making choices in line with our values is difficult, we need support.
• Do I worry that the knowledge of this facet of who I am is capable of making my female friends uncomfortable? Yes. Very much yes. I worry about this a lot.
• Do I worry that my family will cease to love me with this knowledge? No.
• Will they struggle with it? Perhaps.
• Do I fear people will no longer want to associate with me given this knowledge? Yes and no. In the long run I feel peace in knowing that if people cannot love me despite knowing this about me, then the relationship wasn't worth it.
• Do I regret not living an alternative lifestyle to the one I have now? No.
• Do I think I would have been happier living that lifestyle? No. Because there is an emptiness to living contrary to God's wishes even if we often do not recognize it. I would rather the companionship of the Holy Ghost.
• Do I think people should be hated, disrespected or discriminated against merely because they are making choices contrary to the ones I would make for myself? No.
• Do I think my experiences affect my perspective? Yes.
• Do I think this experience is capable of teaching me things, and providing me with the necessary empathy to be a blessing in the lives of others? Yes.
• Do I think I can equate my experience with all who experience same-sex attraction? No. We are all unique and experience things differently and to varying degrees.
• Do I think our choices can magnify or reduce any given tendency? With time, yes.
• Do I think any of us should try to judge the struggles of another? No. Worry about yourself.
• Do I think that should stop people from fighting for their personal values? No.
• Do I believe this one attribute defines me? No. There is a lot more to me than one attribute. And I would hope others would see that too.

And that is a small part of my story. If it's awkward you can tell me. If it's not awkward you can tell me that too. Or you can pretend you don't know. That's up to you. I won't respond to hate or disrespect or annoyance in general.. But I will answer any question asked with love, even if it is awkward. That's my rule.