Home. They say home is where the heart is. And that has been an interesting concept for us the last few years. My heart of course spends most of it's time in our physical home, because that's where my children are, where my husband is. But we have both always longed for Texas. And I always miss Texas more in the spring when the bluebonnets are blooming.
When we were in college it was easier because it made sense to be away from home. It was okay because it was temporary because college has an end point. A light at the end of the tunnel. But once we graduated, it all just became a little bit different. Suddenly being away from home was a choice we were making. Idaho felt a bit more like home because I had friends to confide in, people around who I felt loved me. It made a difference. When we moved to Washington it was like I could feel a tangible difference. This was not home. I hoped it would eventually feel a little more like home, but things never really changed.
Even going to church got hard because sometimes it just felt like I was putting myself in a position where I could see the faces of people I was almost friends with but wasn't. I felt isolated and self conscious about my lack of relationships. My calling sometimes emphasizes that fact because I'm frequently asked the question "Do you know so and so?" and the answer is undoubtedly no because I can count the number of people I know even just the names of.. And don't worry, it is not lost on me that this issue is mainly my own fault. And frequently church in this area has just made me feel grumpy, due to my dealings with certain people. I have felt judged, ignored, and lonely.
But, I wanted to acknowledge that things changed when it got nearer to the time to have my new baby. Suddenly there were people in the ward that were approaching me as though they'd known me for years. Women who had made blankets for my son... when I didn't even know their name or how on earth they knew anything about me (although I suppose being hugely pregnant is a bit of an obvious factoid to know about someone). I seemed to have my prayers answered through people I barely knew. Multiple people offering to care for my children (even being aware of the added medical responsibilities present), people spontaneously dropping off food on days I really didn't want to cook.. And when it came time that my baby was born.. so many people signed up to bring us food. And even after the first week, more people dropped off food.. I was on the receiving end of service I never ever would have asked for, never would have thought I wanted, and never would have expected... And just in general, there was an outpouring of concern after all the drama that happened after giving birth. Above and beyond.
For those that don't know, our church has recently revamped some fellowshipping expectations. Really I don't think it was much of a revamp so much as a better explanation of the original ideal. But it hit home for me. Partially because the new model is the way I have always felt was most effective.. But mainly because I felt like I was living proof that ministering to people makes a difference in their lives. I didn't feel like a checkmark on someone's to do list... I felt loved. People have served me who were never "assigned" to do so.. and even those who were "assigned" seemed to genuinely want to be there for me unconditionally. It's a bit odd, feeling loved by people you don't really know. Humbling.
Washington still doesn't feel like home. And I still miss Texas. But... I'm grateful for the love I've been shown. I'm amazed by the example of people I've interacted with these last couple months. I know we've been in Washington for a reason, and there are experiences I've had here that I wouldn't trade for anything. And I think my circumstances made it easier for me to focus on my family, and developing my talents, and using them for my family, for which I'm grateful. For those that don't know, we're moving back to Idaho (just a few miles away from where we are now), in just a couple months. And in some ways I'm still glad to get away from certain frustrations.. But I also feel a bit conflicted now too, which I hadn't expected. I am sad to leave the people/ward that have made me feel like a bit like family.
So thank you, to those who have ministered to me, served and shared with me your time and talents. Time means the most to me. Knowing someone was thinking about me, means a lot to me. And that, I think, is what is at the core of ministering...
