I went back to seeing a therapist in 2016. And geez it is not lost on me how long ago that feels even though it still feels like yesterday. Anyway, a few months in, I started blogging again. I remember talking to my therapist about it and she made a comment about the desire to create being a positive sign. I had been so depressed and apathetic for so long, it really did feel good to get back into writing. It’s something I often think about though. Not writing doesn’t bother me until I start getting anxious. And when I start getting anxious, I start looking for a release like blogging for instance. But when I don’t know what to say, I worry that I’ve slid back into a zone where I’m not able to “create” again. And right now, I really don’t know what to say.
I try really hard not to use my friends for that release because among other reasons, A, when I don’t know what to say, I just overshare.. B, my friends are not therapists and I don’t want to use them as such. It’s not fair to anyone. Anyway, I don’t have a therapist right now, and it’s hard not to feel guilty about the money involved in using one, and the nearest Addiction Recovery Program meeting around here is a bit far. Although I guess I was traveling a similar distance in Idaho/Washington.. it just wasn’t nearly as long of a drive to get there. And of course, there’s something anxiety provoking about attending a new group anyway.
And while I do find blogging cathartic, Its also not the same because while I am fairly open-booked, there are still things I don’t talk about openly online. And feeling the need to edit or revise takes away from some of the raw quality that can be so “releasing.” It’s not the same as opening up to a judgement-free room. Cuz let’s be honest, internet people are often judgy. And there’s something about being in that judgement-free space and just talking out loud face to face with other people. You walk away feeling a little more normal again even if you hardly said anything at all.
Anyway, this is me. Trying to feel better. Trying to remind others that they’re not alone. Trying to make sense of things. Trying to create. Trying to be me.
