Someone once told me that anxiety and depression is normal for some people. To be honest I wasn't sure if that was really supposed to be comforting or not. But my thought for you today is that we define what is normal.
People sometimes give me a hard time about using big words for which they don't know the definition. I don't think about it. In my family that was normal. Although my sisters far surpass me in their knowledge of small words which helps them win at Boggle (which is another family favorite). My husband laughs when I say things like "don't impute motives." Because he knows that is something my mother said a lot. Why did she say that a lot? Because it was something her therapist taught her. Another word we heard a lot? "compromise" You can thank the therapist for that one too. And the phrase "I don't believe in 'should.'" I never really asked many questions about it but my understanding is that her therapist was encouraging her to find reasons to do things outside of societal expectation, or obligation. Intrinsic motivation obviously being the better and more fulfilling motivator. Maybe that's why I fight the "should's" of life the way I do. Why did my mother see a therapist? The short answer is because she decided that it was okay to say that needing help was part of how she defined "normal."
When I first married into my husband's family I struggled in some ways adjusting to the changes in what was "normal." For instance, they talk to each other A LOT. Which seriously weirded me out haha. My sister-in-law had high hopes for a relationship, and I had no clue how to foster that and in some ways didn't understand why that was a thing to hope for. Also, some of them tend to favor sarcasm. My family uses sarcasm too, but therapy taught us that sarcasm is a mask for anger. And a lot of the time, that was what it was in my family. And so I interpret sarcasm as anger which doesn't help when trying to build relationships that feel safe. Their family doesn't interpret sarcasm as anger, and therefore didn't understand that that was what was being communicated to me. Different normals. And that's okay. Sometimes in interacting with people it is important to remember that we can't purely interpret people's actions based on how we define "normal." And, as my mother would say... Don't impute motives.
When my oldest son was in 1st grade at public school, he was having a lot of problems. He began seeing the school counselor. One of the things the counselor told me was that she was very impressed with his understanding and the extent of his emotional vocabulary. And that is because while I was growing up, I realized that it helped me a lot to be able to put words to how I was feeling. As a child I often used the word "mad" and a grammar teacher once asked me "what does mad mean? does it mean you're certifiably crazy? does it mean that you are angry? Does it mean that you are extremely passionate about something?" She impressed upon me the importance of using words that accurately describe what you mean. Honestly at the time I thought she was being overly nit-picky. But in high school I found that if I could differentiate between whether I was angry or frustrated or sad or upset or anxious or what have you, that I could better process the emotion, and then let it go. And so that is something that I wanted to be "normal" for my kids. I have spent a lot of effort in using emotion words with them so that we can better talk about and define what it is that we are feeling, and work through it.
I grew up with the expectation that you understood that "what happens at home stays at home" sort of attitude. That there are some things you just don't share with people. That was normal. In some ways I still understand that perspective... but also... I'm not sure you can imagine the freedom and the weight that lifted from my shoulders the first time I gave myself permission to talk about my life with people. I don't want my children thinking that our family has skeletons they must keep in the closet. And that my friends, is one of the many ways in which I am hoping to define my family's "normal."
Is it normal to go to church? Or is it normal to not? Is it normal to be forgiving? Is it normal to admit when you are wrong? Or is it normal to stand your ground? Is it normal to have faith? Is it normal to feel safe asking questions? Obviously my children will have their own role to play in defining their normals too. I have influence, but I don't define their normal. Only they will in the end. And that is okay and that is good.
I can't say that I've done a wonderful job of it yet... but I hope to instill in my kids the understanding that it is okay for people to have different perspectives on things. And for people to make different life choices, even choices that don't align with your values. I want them to understand that barring terrible life choices that involve malintent... I think people should be judged by how well they are living according to their values, and not my own. People who are trying their best to be good people, are good people, no matter if you agree or not about any particular subject. I want them to understand that "normal" is different for everybody. I want them to understand that "normal" is relative.
My father is a mathematician by study. Something I've heard him say more than once is that "If you ever find someone who says they are normal, tell them they must be the .5% kid." Referring to statistics that don't fully portray society as individual entities. Nobody is normal. Because normal is different for everyone. And you define your normal so that you can feel sane, and live according to your values.
What choices will you make, to define your normal today.. and the "normal" of people whose lives you affect everyday?
