Joy

I want to be happy.

I feel like... for months now, I have either been "Okay" or "Not okay" and I never truly experience joy. If I do, it is merely for a moment. All my life I have been the happy person. And I was either GREAT or terribly depressed. I never did mediocre. My emotions were always polar, and never in the middle. And now adays... I'm nearly always in the middle. Any usually I was in a state of joy. Sad things were fleeting.

I don't like this reversal I've come across. Where I'm normally "Okay" or "Not okay" or "Not great" or just "Bad" ... and "I feel amazing" is like this rare endangered species. I don't like it at all. I just want to be happy.

The president of my Texas home Stake, is President Hollingsworth. And he's been in the presidency for as long as I can, even though his position as president, is a new one. And he is just the most amazing man you will even meet. Say... you are standing in the church house talking to some people, and then he sees you, or you see him. Somehow you end up face to face with him, and he just smiles. And you know he is a worthy priesthood holder who is righteous, and full of joy. He just glows, and shines with the light of Christ. Then, he holds out his right hand, with no shame or regret for the fingers that are missing, and you shake his hand. At that moment he will ask you "How are you, sister?" with so much love, bursting and swelling in his voice. And you reply "I'm good." But such and answer simply will not do with President Hollingsworth, and he will respond, "Just good? Not GREAT!?" and if you change your answer to great, then his smile will grow wider, and you can part ways in peace. But if you say "Yeah, just good," then he will look at you with more love, and understanding than you could have ever guessed he might show you, and either ask you what he can do for you, or he will give you some small simple piece of advice, that just makes your heart glow.

And that is part of his testimony. Being good is not enough. Because we have the gospel. We are Divine Children of our Heavenly Father. We are loved. I want to be GREAT. I want to feel AMAZING. I want to once again use that wonderful word, MAGNANIMOUS! I need the blessing of pure joy, consistent joy in my life again.

So now, I must ask the Lord My God, what I am doing wrong, or how many things I am doing wrong. Somehow I must learn how I can be more self reliant, while depending on him more, and giving him my trials and sins. Somehow. But as yet, I don't know how.