Of Nicknames

My very first nickname was Hoot Owl. As a child, whenever I saw something I thought was interesting I would make the sound "Hoo hoo!" and everyone thought I sounded like a little owl cooing at everything I saw, so they called me Hoot Owl. I don't remember this of course because I was just a baby, but I do remember people telling me about it as a child.

In elementary school I had a few more nicknames. The first of which was Klingon. Princess Klingon if you asked me personally, but it was just plain Klingon to everyone else. You know that game where a child grabs onto your leg and you try to get them off? Well, that was my favorite game, and I liked to think I was rather good, thus the "princess bit." I'm sure I was seriously irritating... I had no sense of people's space bubbles just as a general rule. I also went by the name Juanita, but only in Spanish class. My third nickname for elementary school was Amelia Bedelia. My friends William Peebles and David Weidower liked to call me that and I hated it. ha, but who cares now, of course! ^_^ Oh, and Chloe Guenther used to always call me M&M. tender.

Freshman year of highschool my nicknames just spawned off like crazy! Beginning with Stalker. I don't really remember the circumstances, but I made up a "stalker walk" ... and let me tell you, this stalker walk was ridiculous. You can ask me to show it to you some time if you like, but I'll only show you if you're lucky! ha. Anyway... my friends thought it was hilarious and decided to call me stalker. That's the one that stuck the longest. All the others really just had random stories to them and usually didn't last for very long. Scribbles, because I drew on my arms in geography class... Poptart because I always brought pop tarts for lunch... Skittles--well that one was really only on accident. Siren, because I was so loud in the mornings when everyone else was so tired (that's the only nickname I refused to respond to, ha).

I've never really had any unique nicknames from boyfriends or anything like that... although that would be tender. I've always wanted something particularly unique and random... inside joke kind of thing, ya know? That had a story behind it so that it made sense. The usual "honey" "hon" "darling" et cetera don't count, ya know.

Lindy Lee calls me Amelia, because she's obsessed with french, and she thinks it sound pretty. And then there's always the normal shortenings of my name, "Em," "Emmy," that kind of thing. Every now and then people whip out Emily Jane. And in his letters, Michael refers to me as his favorite Texan girl. Or sometimes his cowgirl. And that always makes me smile.

But my favorite nickname of all time so far... has been "Amy"
One of my dear friends' father always comes up with a nickname for people, or animals that he really likes. And soon after I met him he started referring to me as Amy from Abilene. I thought it was the cutest thing, and I chose not to correct him because it was just plain tender. Someone asked him about it a year later or so, and he claims that they told him my name was Amy and he was just trying to call me by my name! But, I'm not sure I buy it! haha. Either way, he still calls me Amy from Abilene, and I'll love it forever.

But he's the only one allowed to call me Amy.
Just so ya know!

Waiting for a Missionary

I miss Michael.

Michael's mother gave my mother a hug on Sunday and asked my mother to make sure that I received that hug from her. And the first thing that came to my mind was that she somehow knew that I needed that hug.. from my mother and from her.

I miss Michael more now than I have ever missed him the whole time he has been gone. I've learned to deal with it a little better now with all the practice... so I'm atleast not an emotional wreck... but I miss him. This whole time, I've been a little shakey. I guess I'm a slow mover on the whole relationship path thing. I had a policy most of my life not to allow myself to get attached to men. I didn't want to let them get close enough to hurt me, because I suppose experiences in my life led to my general distrust of men. But we won't go in to that.

One day, I realized that I had become attached to Michael, and it scared me. But I liked it at the same time.. and that scared me.

Then he left, and people always say stuff like "Well, you never know." or "I waited for a missionary, but then I got married to a man who was not that missionary" or "Do you think you'll actually get married?" ... It's like the whole world is out to instill doubt. I've been so scared this whole time... because I knew there was a possibility, maybe I'd meet some guy like everybody said, and maybe we'd fall in love.. and I'd be married before Michael even came back. But I hoped with every fiber in my being that that would not happen. For months I prayed that I wouldn't. I told my Heavenly Father... I know there's probably more than one "right guy" out there for me... but please, I choose Michael. I want Michael. I want him more than anything. Please don't let it be some other guy.

And then I was worried about our feelings for eachother changing. Everyone always says "People change" or "You might not feel the same when he gets back." Like I hadn't thought of that already. I was worried he'd come back, and I would still love him desperately, but he wouldn't want me anymore. His feelings would change, or maybe I just wouldn't be good enough.

I tried to get over him you know... the first 6 months I tried. I dated other guys. Big shocker guys, I know.. I prayed to get over him, because I thought it would be easier. I thought that if it was meant to be, then we would fall back in love when he came back. But I just couldn't get over him. And so the thought of him coming back and not wanting me anymore... scared me. Because I wasn't sure if I could ever get over him. Ever.

But what it comes down to, is that I cannot picture myself with any other guy. No other guy has made me a better person. No other guy has wanted me to be better. No other guy has ever respected me like he does. No other guy has made me wish I was better.. so I could be better -- for him. And I have never respected any other man I have dated... Only Michael has ever earned my respect.

And I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Realizing that only makes me miss him more. And you know what... I still feel scared. I still worry. But I take comfort in the fact... that he is going to come back. And no man has ever made me feel as safe and loved as Michael has. And when he comes back... I know that feeling of safety will come back too. And even if I am scared out of my mind, I can still feel safe.

Life this Week

Life this week has been long and hectic... I couldn't begin to tell you everything that has happened and to be honest, you really wouldn't want to hear me talk about it for that long!

There was a death in the house this week. My mother's friend, Geraldine was living with us as my mother was taking care of her. I was upstairs in the room right above hers when it happened... forcing homework problems upon my nephews and nieces. It caused quite a stir in the house, as you might imagine... and I was tasked with keeping the kids busy upstairs so they wouldn't be downstairs as hospice and nurses and caretakers and family and all sorts of people came through the house. It was a long day for everyone.

There were mis-communications concerning funeral plans, and I had to field several angry phone calls... But I think I did a good job of deflecting their anger and not taking it personally.

Brandon got sick later in the week, and it ended up just being him and I at home while everyone else was either at work or helping my brother move... He threw up a couple times... once on the carpet, which I had to attempt cleaning up. After that I went to the store to pick up gatorade and other goodies for my sick child. Later in the afternoon he decided that every time he got up he ended up puking, and finally resigned himself to staying in bed... at which time, I also took a nap!

Today was long even though not much happened... One or the other of my various health problems decided to spike today and my supply of pain meds has done nothing to soothe my aches. I am happiest when curled up in a little ball.. but I've had several excuses that require my movement and so I haven't been able to stay in bed.

At this point, I am just ready to go to bed. Sleep sleep sleep. I'm glad this week is stake conference as it means I do not have any social obligations to fulfill, and it means as soon as church is over I can sleep.

I'm hoping things in my family will die down for a while, because I'm hoping to run off with my mother to our favorite camping spot. No phones. No drama. Just green therapy.

Macaroni & Cheese

All the children do agree...
that Emily makes the best macaroni and cheese!

Judgement

If there is one thing that seems to be forming as a pattern in my life right now... it is Judgement. I watch everyone in my home constantly judging others. And while I understand where everyone is coming from... I don't really enjoy the constant negativity.

Then there's the other side of things... my awareness that people are also judging me. Even within my own friends and family. People don't really understand every angle or all the pieces to the equation. They don't understand what I feel or where my loyalties and duties lie. Everyone has different things that they prioritize due to how they were raised and what their goals are, and what their hopes and aspirations may be... And no one can truly understand all the variables that go into what decisions people make.

So why do we insist on judging others?

No, I do not currently have a job.
No, I do not currently have much of a life plan.
No, I am not currently set on a path that directly leads to a bachelor's degree.

But I do have reasons. I do have options. I do have goals and aspirations. And I have hope. I also have faith that everything will work out for the best. And if I don't know when, where, or how... I certainly don't think anyone else has any idea either.. besides God, of course.

So let's all give our friends, neighbors, family, and acquaintances a clean slate, fresh bill of health, and a little more of our respect than we were allowing before. Because we are all doing our best. That I do believe.

Fall fun

Sharon and Steve got a trampoline off freecycle the other day.. so we've got a pretty good sized trampoline in the backyard! Not as good as the one we had growing up, but still good. We've been jumping daily since! And taking pictures in the air of course! haha. It's been fun.

Last night we fixed up a little fire pit in the back yard and had a little camp fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and starbursts. It was a good, fun evening.. and a good day!

Oh the love!