Waiting for a Missionary

I miss Michael.

Michael's mother gave my mother a hug on Sunday and asked my mother to make sure that I received that hug from her. And the first thing that came to my mind was that she somehow knew that I needed that hug.. from my mother and from her.

I miss Michael more now than I have ever missed him the whole time he has been gone. I've learned to deal with it a little better now with all the practice... so I'm atleast not an emotional wreck... but I miss him. This whole time, I've been a little shakey. I guess I'm a slow mover on the whole relationship path thing. I had a policy most of my life not to allow myself to get attached to men. I didn't want to let them get close enough to hurt me, because I suppose experiences in my life led to my general distrust of men. But we won't go in to that.

One day, I realized that I had become attached to Michael, and it scared me. But I liked it at the same time.. and that scared me.

Then he left, and people always say stuff like "Well, you never know." or "I waited for a missionary, but then I got married to a man who was not that missionary" or "Do you think you'll actually get married?" ... It's like the whole world is out to instill doubt. I've been so scared this whole time... because I knew there was a possibility, maybe I'd meet some guy like everybody said, and maybe we'd fall in love.. and I'd be married before Michael even came back. But I hoped with every fiber in my being that that would not happen. For months I prayed that I wouldn't. I told my Heavenly Father... I know there's probably more than one "right guy" out there for me... but please, I choose Michael. I want Michael. I want him more than anything. Please don't let it be some other guy.

And then I was worried about our feelings for eachother changing. Everyone always says "People change" or "You might not feel the same when he gets back." Like I hadn't thought of that already. I was worried he'd come back, and I would still love him desperately, but he wouldn't want me anymore. His feelings would change, or maybe I just wouldn't be good enough.

I tried to get over him you know... the first 6 months I tried. I dated other guys. Big shocker guys, I know.. I prayed to get over him, because I thought it would be easier. I thought that if it was meant to be, then we would fall back in love when he came back. But I just couldn't get over him. And so the thought of him coming back and not wanting me anymore... scared me. Because I wasn't sure if I could ever get over him. Ever.

But what it comes down to, is that I cannot picture myself with any other guy. No other guy has made me a better person. No other guy has wanted me to be better. No other guy has ever respected me like he does. No other guy has made me wish I was better.. so I could be better -- for him. And I have never respected any other man I have dated... Only Michael has ever earned my respect.

And I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Realizing that only makes me miss him more. And you know what... I still feel scared. I still worry. But I take comfort in the fact... that he is going to come back. And no man has ever made me feel as safe and loved as Michael has. And when he comes back... I know that feeling of safety will come back too. And even if I am scared out of my mind, I can still feel safe.