Purpose

Three months before my Grandmother died on my father's side, I sent her a brief email inviting her to my blog. I had recently gained a testimony of family. I knew it wouldn't just be my mother and father and my siblings, or even my nephews and nieces that would join me in eternity. I knew I had not been the best at keeping up connections with my extended family. I wanted to be a peacemaker. I wanted to be the one that would bring my family back together. I wanted the chance to be a part of their lives. I realized that I loved them, without knowing them. And how great would eternity be with them, if I had spent my mortal life building relationships with them and growing to love them for more than our blood connection?

This was my grandmother's response:
I'll be curious as to what you think people will gain from reading your blog.  I've considered doing a blog, and have thought I might share my knowledge about teaching reading; but I've come to the conclusion that what I might think is valuable doesn't really resonate with the public. But, I support your effort to communicate.    Grandma Capps

Perhaps for those of you that did not  know my Grandmother, that will give you some sense of the woman that she was. I tried to email her back explaining my purpose, but besides a copy of a story she had written, this was the last thing she said or wrote to me before she died. It took some time before I felt any emotion about her passing. I spent one sleepless night, crying, fearing that because she was not sealed to me, I would never see her again. I would never have the chance to know my Grandmother. I would never have the chance to build a relationship with her. She would never know me. Light came in the middle of the night when I realized that in a year I would be able to do her work. She could be sealed to me. I could still be the peacemaker that would aid in bringing my family back together.  I haven't had the chance yet to make this happen. My Grandmother was a stubborn woman, and will need time for her heart to soften and accept the work I wish to begin. The rest of my family too needs time for their hearts to be ready to give me the permission I need.

The reason this is on my mind, is because I wondered the other day what were the last words my Grandmother sent to me; what record there was of our relationship. The reason why I'm sharing it with you, is because there are two things that stuck out to me upon reading her email this week.

The first was the following sentiment: "I'll be curious as to what you think people will gain from reading your blog." When I first responded to this, I told her that I didn't really have a purpose, but to keep people updated on my life. I suppose this signifies my youth at the time. My blog was more for me than for anyone else. Self centered. Not a tool. Not a resource. But for me, and about me. I didn't have a purpose. My life did not yet have a purpose either. So the last week I have wondered, what is my purpose? What purpose should I give to my life and my interactions with others? I am reminded of a phrase;
Christ doesn't just make up the difference. He makes all the difference.

Our lives should be centered on Christ. In our homes, in our schools, in our minds, in our vocations. How can my skills and my relationships be used to glorify God?

"The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal things we have to place on God's altar." Elder Neal A. Maxwell

I have felt this week that I am becoming ready to give my will. I have always been a self sacrificing person. I have always been able to put others before myself. I have always been able to love. But doing good things is different than doing things for the Lord. Serving others is not the same as serving people with a mind open to the idea that you are serving a child of God. Good, better, best kind of thing... if that makes any sense. I don't want to be good just for myself anymore. I want to be good for the Lord. I want to be an instrument he can use, and not just a mere tool. I want to be His.

The other thing that stuck out to me from my Grandmother's email was this: But, I support your effort to communicate. At first when I read that I don't really take it all that well. It makes my effort feel slightly underclassed. Like "Your attempt was a fail, but good try." But upon further thought... I am reminded of an audio track that was included in her journal that she gave to all her kids and grandkids. One of the things she said was "I hope our family does not disintrigrate" ... "and will keep in touch with eachother and rely on eachother in times of hardship" And I think she realized that my inviting her to my blog was an attempt on my part to fulfill her last wishes in her journal.

I don't know how to express what this makes me think or feel into words, but hopefully you are able to grasp some ounce of what it means to me that my Grandmother acknowledged that I wanted to communicate with her and have some sort of relationship... that I didn't want our family to disintigrate either.

I wish I could have known her and learned from her more. I wish she had been someone I could have asked questions about her life and her opinions and wisdom. Learned about her purpose as an agnostic and a teacher. Hearing her in that audio track as she describes her beliefs and that she does not believe she will see us again... I know I must live my life with purpose. I know I must live my life for Christ. I know I must be a frequenter of the temple. I know I want to bring people to the truth. I know hope exists. Just as I know my grandmother appreciated my effort to communicate, I know our Heavenly Father appreciates our communications to him through prayer.

I know the atonement is real. It is for me. It is for you. It is continuous. And it seals us all to Christ. And families are crucial. We can never forget the importance of the atonement and our families.

Hair Cut?

I need to get a haircut... simply said. But I've been thinking about what I should do with it. Ann the other day said in passing, that I should get bangs. And since then I've been thinking about it. There are a few factors that lead me to consider getting bangs:

1. I did have bangs when I was growing up and they were cute while I had them.
2. I have never wished to become like my father and keep the same haircut all my life.
3. I have considered getting bangs several times over the years.
4. My sisters and I have similar face shapes, and they can all pull off bangs (I should be able to, right?).
5. I need to do something different with my hair.

But let's be honest... getting bangs is a scary moment in one's life! There's no turning back! Not for atleast a good couple years and you're likely to go through some odd hair years if/when you try to grow them out. At any rate... it's been something on my mind, and I thought I'd put it on the floor for thoughts!
Hope everyone's having a wonderful week!

Life in the Workplace

It is difficult to describe what my life is like now a days. I usually work 9 hours a day, 5 days a week and sometimes more. And "talking shop" seems a bit dull. But I really don't do much else with with my days. I usually sleep in, although I have thought about getting up earlier and perhaps working out a little bit in the mornings. Some days I watch a movie in the morning, or bum around. Occasionally something REALLY exciting happens... and I go grocery shopping. Some days I bike to work, and some days I get a ride with Ann when we are on the same shift.

While at work I sit at my computer and often twiddle my thumbs trying to think up things to do on the computer during the slow moments of the day and minutes pass by slowly in boredom. Sometimes the girls in the office chat but I have a hard time with that because part of me wishes I could make friends out of some of the girls, and so I want to share parts of my personal life... but part of me wants to keep my personal life more separate from the work environment so its not part of the drama that is our office. But how do you make friends, if you never share anything about yourself? And what if there's only a couple of girls in the office I feel comfortable sharing things with... but the whole office is listening to every conversation... at all times? No privacy. It's a conundrum.

Some of the reps can be fun to talk to on the phone and you occasionally get a real conversation out of it amidst the requests for the customer's personal and order information. Those can be fun phone calls, but I feel wary of flirting reps and feel nervous about walking a thin line between friendly professional conversation, and non professional interactions. I'm not looking for anything personal to happen with any sales reps right now... and I don't know that I ever could do that whether or not I had interests elsewhere. Although I do find entertainment in watching other girls in the office building relationships with sales reps over the phone.

Lately the highlights of my day are the moments when Michael gets online and we get to chat for a while during the slow moments of the day while I'm at work. But eventually he'll find a job, and those hours of our socializing will probably dwindle and we'll have to find a different time of day that works for us.

I've been looking for work in Rexburg. I'm still considering staying in Provo if I can keep the job I have right now and decide that I can do it for another 4 months. But I also think it would be simpler to just move to Rexburg. I'm ready to feel more stable. Which is partly why it's tempting to stay in Provo for another semester... and partly why I'd prefer to go to Rexburg and then just stay there. Lots of variables and reasons tie together to make up why I'd like to be in either place... but I do need to decide so I can find housing. It's just hard because most places that are hiring right now... want someone to start right now, not in 3 months. And moving anywhere without any kind of job security scares me a bit.

The only things I know right now, are that I need to broaden my horizons. I need to go to sources I wouldn't necessarily go to normally. I need to depend more on the Lord, and I need to have faith. But I also have to take actions toward the things I think are right, and toward the things I want right now; short term and long term goals.