Loving Yourself

Now, this is a subject I've probably touched on before... but I think it's at least been a year or two so it's okay if I touch on it again. Besides, I think it's an important thing to talk about.

We talk a lot about loving others. We talk a lot about putting others before yourself. We talk a lot about being charitable and grateful. However, I think that a lot of those qualities are dependent on another quality. I pose the following question:

"How can you love someone else, if you do not first learn how to love yourself?"

No, I'm not talking about having everyone learn how to be vain. However, I think that someone who does not love themselves cannot be mentally healthy enough to fully love those around them. This might be a difficult concept for me to describe... hm hmm...

Well, when I was in middle school I became extremely self conscious about how I looked. I entered that phase where I thought everyone was judging me all the time (and everyone was going to notice that zit on my face. I'm sure you recall the feeling). It certainly didn't do wonders for my self esteem which was already in a pretty broken state at the time. I realized however, that the people I thought were the most beautiful and magnetic were those that held their head high. You could feel the self confidence emanating from them and it made them prettier than they otherwise might have been.

This might seem silly but I decided that I wanted to have that quality. So I made a goal to look myself in the mirror every day and say "You are beautiful. I am beautiful." I certainly didn't believe it, so don't think it was some act of vanity (hah). I certainly felt a little silly talking to myself in the mirror. But by saying it every day for a while, it taught me several lessons. For one thing, it boosted my spirit and self confidence. Hearing the words, and forcing myself to describe myself in that way improved my own self image. And because I had a better image about myself I was able to view the world in a different way. I didn't have to worry what others thought about me anymore, because I didn't care. I loved myself each day, so I didn't need to feel accepted by anybody else but me. It allowed me to listen to others, without worrying what they were thinking about me.

Not a perfect analogy to what I'm trying to say about loving yourself, but I think it's a step in the right direction to depicting the principle. I guess to summarize... I don't think you can fully love others before you're able to love yourself. It's kind of like that line in the scriptures that says (and I paraphrase), if you then being imperfect are able to give good gifts, imagine the gifts your Father in Heaven can give. Attempting to show others love without first understanding how to love and forgive ourselves is putting a limitation on the love we will be able to demonstrate for others. And why would we ever want to limit the amount of love we can give to others?

I don't feel like I've fully illustrated the principle I'm trying to depict... I feel like it makes more sense when I say it out loud. But I hope some of you are able to feel some of the importance I feel about this subject. I don't think we can reach our own potential as Children of God before we are able to love ourselves. One of the qualities listed in the Doctrine and Covenants of those that reach the Celestial Kingdom of Heaven is that they are able to see as God sees. I think that part of learning to love yourself is learning to see yourself as God sees you. Imagine what a blessing that would be!? And if we could see ourselves in that light, when we seem to judge ourselves more harshly than we would anyone else... imagine how we would then be able to treat others, viewing them as God sees them also! So you see, I don't mean for us to love ourselves in a selfish way... but in a way that would provide us with the skills we need to improve our interactions with the people in our lives.

If there was ever a universal goal we all should make... I think it should be to add loving ourselves to our list of talents.

My Idea of Christmas

Christmas to me is not complete without a few things.

Every Christmas needs a Christmas tree with lights and presents. Even if those presents are fake decorative presents... you just need something pretty underneath the tree. When I think of Christmas I think of little kids anxiously waiting for that long awaited morning. Christmas never seems as magical without a gaggle of kids standing at the top of the stairwell at 5am, waiting to wake up all the adults in the house so the presents can be opened. Christmas is best when I'm sitting next to my mommy kissing her cheek.

No matter how old you are I think you should always get a toy for Christmas. No matter how much you want that outfit, or picture frame or other adult-ly objects... everyone needs a toy to play with on Christmas day. And of course, Christmas can't be complete without hot apple cider and hot cocoa (although not to be enjoyed at the same time, obviously). I look forward to waking up on Christmas morning and eating my hot oatmeal for breakfast. Because when I was a kid my mom's rule was that you had to endure oatmeal for breakfast, and then you could eat whatever you wanted the rest of the day long. It taught us that good things were worth sacrificing for, since we all hated oatmeal. Haha. It's why I don't understand the concept of "Christmas Dinner" because after our oatmeal we didn't eat anything but chocolate and other assorted goodies all day long (brownies and fudge and divinity... Christmas can't be complete without divinity)!

Neither is Christmas complete without chocolate cordial cherries. Because it's one of the few candies my father really likes. So we always had a box of them on Christmas. Growing up in my house, you knew Christmas time hadn't started until the red boxes had arrived in the mail, because my uncle always sent boxes of candies and nuts and cheeses and things for Christmas. They went straight into the fridge, not to be opened until Christmas morning.

Let's see... every year we found an orange and a dime in the bottom of our stockings. It's based on some tradition because old people back down our family line had the same tradition. But apparently it was more exciting back then because oranges were a delicacy or something and dimes were worth a lot more back then haha. I never liked oranges, so mine usually sat at the bottom of my stocking, sometimes found the next year all nasty and green. But I'm going to start a new tradition with my family. CHOCOLATE oranges at the bottom of your stocking, and maybe even a quarter (we have to account for inflation, you know). Much better than real oranges. Chocolate oranges are the best.

On Christmas Eve we always got to open one present. But you always knew what that present was going to be. Every year we got new pajamas. When we were little sometimes mom made them by hand and made them match in cute little ways. One year we all looked like little elves. But usually they were just new pajamas so we'd look cute on Christmas morning. I like that tradition a lot. New pajamas are the best.

Yep, there's a little picture of what Christmas is like for me.

Of Sunshine and Daffodils

This evening I am in a cheery mood. Usually my cheery moods are reserved for day time, so it's a peculiar evening I suppose! I guess I have a lot on my mind, and so I don't feel like going to bed, which would of course, be ever so boring.

I feel like I have so very much to be grateful for right now. For one, the semester is over and I'm finally beginning to feel free from its grasp. What could be better than that, right? Except I also get to look forward to going HOME to TEXAS and seeing my FAMILY! And those who know me, know that what that really means is taking lots of pictures... especially with my mommy and my nephews and nieces, since they're my favorite. Not much makes me happier in this world than taking [good] pictures with people that I love doing fun, happy, sun-shiney things. And if I'm lucky the sun will still exist in Texas this time of year, unlike in Rexburg!

On top of both of those wonderful things, I have a friend. It's been a really long time since I've had a friend in Rexburg that I could play with. And now, I have a friend. And she is wonderful to me, and we have long conversations and we hug, and we smile and we laugh and we cry and it's great. She is a wonderful reminder to me that God loves me individually, which is of course, another thing in my life that I am eternally grateful for... The Lord and his ever redeeming love.

Plus.... (I know, so many things, right!?) in less than a month I find out if I'm having a girl or a boy. I think that will be the point when I feel ready to start spending money on baby things. It'll feel much more real to me when I can attach a gender to the invisible, supposed "it" in my belly.

Life is on the ups.
I'm looking forward to many things, but I'm able to enjoy today as well... which is by far one of the greatest blessings we can have in life, in my opinion.

Heaven-like

On Wednesday we had our very last class of Doctrine & Covenants. The reading assignment for that day was D&C 76... which is an incredibly long section, let me just tell you. Anyway, my teacher was explaining that a lot of people out there think that we believe only Mormons get into heaven, and that we're pretty exclusive in our beliefs to think that way. However, my teacher made the point that our view of heaven allows alot more people into heaven than the traditional view.

We believe in three separate kingdoms of heaven.
The telestial -those that receive not the gospel of Christ, and do not deny the Holy Ghost
The terrestrial -those that receive not the gospel of Christ, but are honorable men
The celestial -just men made perfect through Christ

We believe that all children who die before the age of 8 make it into the highest (the Celestial) level of heaven. And those that died without the gospel but would have accepted it had they received it, and those that are baptized and go through one of the Lord's holy temples will achieve that Celestial glory. Which is where people get the idea that we think only Mormons get into heaven. But Joseph Smith said that if we could glimpse even the lowest degree of heaven (the telestial), we would kill ourselves just to get there. God loves his children and he wants us all to be happy. He loves us so much that he is willing to design a plan, where we can all attain peace and happiness, even if we don't choose to follow Him. Only those that know and fully understand the truth, and willingly choose to defy the Holy Ghost, and fight against Christ get stuck in "outer darkness", or hell.

Contrast that to the more traditional views of heaven and hell, where people who believe in Christ go to heaven, and people who don't believe in Christ go to hell.

But on another note, there was something else that stood out to me more. Verse 94, of section 76 gives a line describing those that attain the Celestial glory: "they see as they are seen, and know as they are known, having received of his fulness and of his grace"

I believe this emphasizes the importance of viewing others, and ourselves, the way Christ sees us. Christ would have us love others the way he loves them. He would have us love ourselves, and see the potential we have to do good. Imagine all the hurt and despair that would be gone from the world if we would only open our eyes to the beautiful potential of everyone within our grasp--if we did not limit ourselves or others.

People ask, how could God let this happen to me? God believes in agency. We each have the opportunity to choose for ourselves. If you think about it that way... I don't think that many of us would choose to sacrifice our freedom of choice, to be protected from bad things. Don't you think God would prefer that we all loved each other as much as he does? Don't you think he would prefer that none of us chose to hurt others? But like I pointed out, losing our agency is not worth losing all negative experiences. We're on this earth to grow, to experience sadness and joy. Would you really want to get to heaven and look back on your life and see that you never learned what sadness was? How disappointing would that be, to not understand half of the human experience? Let alone the fact, that I don't believe you can experience joy without being able to distinguish it from sadness.

I'm grateful for my experiences, no matter how much of a burden they may seem. They bless my life in ways I will forever be grateful for.

Not Yet Christmas Time

I have to admit that I have been in the mood for Christmas. I'm not super big into Halloween decorations, so my Halloween decorations looked more like Thanksgiving decorations. So now that I feel ready to redecorate, I don't have a lot to do for Thanksgiving! I've tried to keep my eyes and to see if there was anything I could buy to add to my decorations to satisfy my urge, but most of the decorations I've seen are lawn decorations. It seems a little bit early to do Christmas decorations though! Part of me says that they shouldn't go up until Thanksgiving's over, or else Thanksgiving would feel a little weird with a Christmas tree in the background... but on the other hand... Since Michael and I will be going down to Texas the week before Christmas, our time amongst our own decorations will be cut short. So maybe I should put them up early! lol. Oh, what a conundrum!

I'm starting to feel ready for Christmas. It keeps snowing! Let alone the fact that I'm probably excited because Christmas time means the semester is over, I'll be home in Texas, and I'll be with family. So obviously, it's my thing that I'm looking forward to at the moment.

Less than 2 weeks until Thanksgiving. 5 weeks until the semester's over (less if you don't count the testing days). And then just a few days later, I'll be in Texas. And then it'll be Christmas a few days after that! I'll be glad.

KONY 2012 ... NOVEMBER 17th

As children of God.. we all ought to support one another. No matter the continent we live on, or the color of our skin, or the culture we belong to in life. I would hope this would be something we could all agree on.

Cleaning

I've decided that cleaning at work seems to be slightly therapeutic for me. Not the normal cleaning, because everybody does that all the time. And no one really likes doing the normal every day clean the house kind of cleaning. But once a week I try to do some kind of deep cleaning at the office And that's the kind of cleaning I really enjoy. Making something look and feel immaculate through details other people might not normally notice. It's like my own personal fixer-upper kind of project since Michael and I currently live in an apartment and have no such freedom for such tasks. Right now the highlight in my future is getting to shampoo the carpets at work!!

Today I cleaned the hand rail at work and changed it's color by many many shades... it really was pretty gross. I went through TWO magic erasers. That should say something. And now I am highly tempted to sand the hand rail and re-stain it so it looks pretty again. I'd probably have to get permission before undertaking a project like that... but it does sound enjoyable!

I guess I've really just been in the mood for something to do that leaves me with a finished product I can admire. Not to mention the fact that everyone knows I've been in nesting mode for over two years. Now that I'm married it's all I can do not to attack my apartment with paint and nails and collections. Not to mention the ridiculous urges to start stocking toys and baby clothes I might need in the future (and no that's not some kind of announcement! hah). I just need projects to keep me busy! And I like doing things that will benefit others, even if they won't necessarily notice it. Who knows if anyone at work will notice that the hand rail is ten shades lighter than it was. But they'll feel it subconsciously when they touch the hand rail and it actually feels like wood, and not a thick layer of grime. And that's worth a smile!

Besides, work is like my home away from home since without school going on, my days generally consist of sleeping in, being at home, and then going to work. And at this point it seems everyone I know in Rexburg can be found at my work! Anyway, at this point I'm probably rambling. But that's the exciting thing currently on my mind. Cleaning!!

An Autobiography

Growing up I wanted so badly to be a writer. I couldn't tell you how many times I started writing my autobiography. I think even early on I hoped that my life would make a difference somehow. I wanted my experiences and my feelings to mean something to people. I wanted people to change after learning about my story.

Even still I think there's always been a part of me that wants to share that story. Sometimes it comes to me in short phrases. At first, I think these phrases could be a beautiful beginning to a short poem. And then when I sit down to finish the poem, I can't think of how to express the stories well enough in the confines of a poem. I can express the details in such a way to let you feel the emotions behind it. But I can't express them in such a way that you can feel every side of my emotions. If I am happy and sad at the same time, I can express one side of the coin, but not the other quite as well. And I don't think the story is complete unless you understand every emotion that was going on at the time.

Sometimes the idea of writing is liberating. But sometimes, the idea of writing feels entirely too vulnerable. I don't actually trust very many people in this world. And writing something down leaves it accessible to anyone. The idea of someone reading something very sacred to me without appreciating it.. seems devastating. I guess that's what life is about.. taking chances on people, and learning to love and trust others.

I suppose I've always been a bit prone to fear. Although I do my best to ward it off. Or rather I purposefully exit my comfort zone a lot in order to pretend that I'm not afraid. And then I fret about it for hours afterwards. Ha. I remember in elementary school, I used to write my will every night before going to bed, just in case I was kidnapped, or a tree came crashing into my bedroom. It always made me feel better knowing that I was prepared, and that my loved ones would have something of mine to remember me by.

I guess that's what we all want. We want to be remembered. We all love, and want to be loved in return. And somehow we feel safer that way. But being remembered isn't enough, not even in writing. A picture may be worth a thousand words... A picture of a close friend may even last longer than the friendship. But no friendship can be compared with a photograph. We are affected and changed by the living stories of those around us. The present means so much more than the past, no matter how we have been molded by it.

Many Blessings

The car pretty much died over the weekend. I'm not entirely sure what all was wrong with it but the hydrolics needed to be replaced, and I think the axle needed to be replaced. The symptoms we perceived were like the clutch was stuck in or something and it would randomly jerk backward even though you had it in first gear, or it would randomly jerk forward... and just lots of jerking in general. It also was making yucky sounds and it sometimes just didn't want to switch gears at all! Very problematic. So Michael took it into the shop on Saturday and that's where it's been ever since. We got a ride to church on Sunday with an old friend of Michael's who happens to be in our ward. And we've been biking to school every day. Michael has work at 4am until 7am and which isn't enough time for him to come back home and then leave again in order for us both to get to class on time at 7:45. And I decided it would be kind of weird for me to stay home when he left and then spend the morning all alone and bike my way to school all alone. So I opted to get up early and go with him to work at the morning...

So we've been leaving at about 3:40am. Once there he clocks into work, and I've just found a little bench to park myself on. It gives me time to get some homework and studying in and it places me in an environment with less distractions which has been nice. The only down sides have been that it's been colder this week... and biking at 3:40 in the morning doesn't help! So we've had to bundle up a ton in order to not freeze during our bike ride. And it also means taking more time to get anywhere. And it's limited our grocery shopping as you might imagine, ha.

This week has definitely allowed us to be more aware of the blessing that having a car really is. In a way it's been kind of nice biking to school because it makes you feel more active. And maybe we should still bike to school every now and then. But at the same time it really is just so nice to have a car. We got the car back today. And I found out yesterday that there's a girl at my work who lives just beyond our apartment complex a ways, and that she walks to and from work! Which is just crazy. So I told her when we get our car back that we'd give her a ride home from work every day. So now we can even use our car to bless the life of someone else! Anyway, that's life for now. I get to take a test in the testing center after I get home from work today. I meant to do it earlier but then I realized I had forgotten to bring my Icard, which meant I wouldn't be able to get in the testing center. So it's a good thing the testing center is open until 10pm tonight. But it's just a psychology test, so it shouldn't take me too long.

Have a good day everyone! Lots of love!

Being Married

I suppose I'll address the ever so popular question of what's it like to be married. My parents warned me beforehand that they didn't truly feel like they were married until they'd had a few kids. So even though part of me wants to say that I kind of feel married, there is a part of me that knows I probably will feel more married when there are kids in the equation. lol.

For now, Michael is my Husband. Sometimes that seems a little weird, because to me he's just My Michael. The only difference now is that, he is no longer just my Michael. He's also my husband. The two roles are intertwined, but it's an interesting mix. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but that's the way I think about it in my head. So that's that. ha.

Michael and I joke that he makes a good wife. But really, it's just that he's a wonderful husband. He does the dishes some nights when we come home, and he gets the mail and takes out the trash. Some days he cooks breakfast, and he even cleans up around the house. It's not that I don't cook or do dishes or clean too, 'cause I do. But it's just super sweet when he does it too. And he does it more than expected, which is of course, always appreciated and makes me love him more and more when I catch him doing those things.

Learning how to interact with each other and to be totally open about things is a process, as you might assume. But it's also wonderful as we take each new step toward being closer to each other. He does his best to support me with love and prayers and I try to do the same with him. I don't think I realized before we got married that I would love him more once we were married than I did before we were married. But I do. It often seems like I love him more and more with every day. Life doesn't have to be perfect and without stress for that to occur either. Because trust me, we both have stuff going on with school and work and everything. But it works out in the end. And that's what matters. Hopefully that wasn't too mushy ;)

I do hope to strive to become a better wife to Michael with every passing day