An Autobiography

Growing up I wanted so badly to be a writer. I couldn't tell you how many times I started writing my autobiography. I think even early on I hoped that my life would make a difference somehow. I wanted my experiences and my feelings to mean something to people. I wanted people to change after learning about my story.

Even still I think there's always been a part of me that wants to share that story. Sometimes it comes to me in short phrases. At first, I think these phrases could be a beautiful beginning to a short poem. And then when I sit down to finish the poem, I can't think of how to express the stories well enough in the confines of a poem. I can express the details in such a way to let you feel the emotions behind it. But I can't express them in such a way that you can feel every side of my emotions. If I am happy and sad at the same time, I can express one side of the coin, but not the other quite as well. And I don't think the story is complete unless you understand every emotion that was going on at the time.

Sometimes the idea of writing is liberating. But sometimes, the idea of writing feels entirely too vulnerable. I don't actually trust very many people in this world. And writing something down leaves it accessible to anyone. The idea of someone reading something very sacred to me without appreciating it.. seems devastating. I guess that's what life is about.. taking chances on people, and learning to love and trust others.

I suppose I've always been a bit prone to fear. Although I do my best to ward it off. Or rather I purposefully exit my comfort zone a lot in order to pretend that I'm not afraid. And then I fret about it for hours afterwards. Ha. I remember in elementary school, I used to write my will every night before going to bed, just in case I was kidnapped, or a tree came crashing into my bedroom. It always made me feel better knowing that I was prepared, and that my loved ones would have something of mine to remember me by.

I guess that's what we all want. We want to be remembered. We all love, and want to be loved in return. And somehow we feel safer that way. But being remembered isn't enough, not even in writing. A picture may be worth a thousand words... A picture of a close friend may even last longer than the friendship. But no friendship can be compared with a photograph. We are affected and changed by the living stories of those around us. The present means so much more than the past, no matter how we have been molded by it.