My pregnancy was pretty easy I suppose. I never had false labor sending me to the hospital unnecessarily. Labor didn't hurt until an hour or two after they broke my water. Really only the last five hours or so were bad, and delivery only took 15 minutes. So that's not bad. Adam was born a beautiful healthy baby boy. It took us until like the day we left the hospital to give him a name, but we did it. I think it's finally starting to stick for me. A lot of the time we just call him Buddy. But I'm starting to think of him as Adam more often now.
He has been a wonderful baby. The first night in the hospital with him he woke up a lot. And it was really hard for me to sit up and grab him from the bassinet they put beside my hospital bed so I eventually just laid him on my chest and we slept together like that for at least the next couple weeks. We didn't move him into his own room in the crib until he was probably about two and a half months old.
A lot of people talk about that magical moment when they first laid eyes on their baby or when they first held their baby. Not to dull the moment, but I really didn't think it was magical. It just seemed natural to me. He was immediately part of the family. It sort of felt like he's always been there and I've always known him.
Since bringing him home it's just been great to have him around. I admit returning to work was hard. Once I finally did it, it wasn't that bad... but the thought of going to work before I had returned... just made me cry. I didn't want to leave my little boy. In the long run I think it's been really good though. It's given Michael the chance to have some alone time with Adam and get to know him and his habits, likes and dislikes. And I'm glad for that.
We have now begun school and that I think has been the first thing we've encountered that we really weren't sure how to handle with a baby. Michael's doing the early morning custodial on campus, so he bikes there in the mornings (at least for now while it's not too cold yet)... and then he stays on campus afterwards. I wake up several hours later and feed Adam, attempt to get ready for school and prepare the diaper bag each morning. Once I get to campus, Michael takes Adam so I can go to class. When I get out of class we switch off--Michael goes to class, and I take the baby. We've managed to work out our schedules so that Michael always has the baby when I'm in class, and vice versa. I'm always the last one to get out of class. Lately Michael's been going home with Adam after his last class and then I just take Michael's bike home when I got out of class. On Mondays and Wednesdays I get to go home and Michael and I attempt to take turns watching baby and doing homework. Monday evenings I go to work around 10pm to do reports and then do my best to work as quickly as I can so I get home before Michael has to leave for work the next morning around 3:50am. Michael's going to be lead student again this semester so it means he works early morning custodial on Saturdays as well now. This means I also have to make sure I work as fast as I can to get home before he needs to leave on Fridays nights when I do reports as well. So far we've been pretty lucky and I've been able to finish in time.
Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays I go straight to work after I get out of class and eat lunch there.. so we only see each other for about two or three minutes at a time when we're switching off baby. A wonderful grand total of maybe fifteen minutes a day... I've been managing the shifts pretty much every day I work so I get done pretty late no matter what time shift ends, and on Fridays I have to stay to do reports after shift ends. My boss mentioned a while back that he's hoping to make all the reports be automated... Michael and I keep hoping that will happen so that I get home that much earlier from work. It would also mean I'd only be working 3 days a week instead of 5. Michael's decided to put in his one week's notice with the call center. That will at least mean that we'll get to add Saturdays to the number of days we see each other each week. Although it will probably eventually become a day pretty heavily focused on homework.
I really don't feel confident that I can keep up the momentum of work, baby and school. I feel like not being able to see Michael three days of the week is really going to start taking its toll, but I'm not really certain what to do about it. I miss my husband, and I miss my baby. But I don't really feel able to drop any of my responsibilities right now... I keep thinking I'd like to stop going to school but I'm never certain that it feels like the right thing to do... I was just offered the Manager position at work and they really need for me to take it because the only other option they have when the current manager leaves is a guy who knows nothing and hasn't been with the company for long (and no one really likes him... so all the supervisors have threatened to quit if he gets the position)... And while I feel extremely flattered by the offer, and I really do enjoy the manager position... I don't feel like I could handle the inability to ever get time off, or the attitude our boss has that no matter how many things you're doing right, the one thing you do wrong supersedes everything else. I personally prefer to focus on my improvements, instead of my mistakes.
And of course there's the factor that I just plain want to be at home with Adam. I just want to be his mother and nothing else. But at the same time, I do enjoy being at work and knowing that I'm the best at what I do, or that I'm valued there. I want the position, and I don't at the same time.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads I'm not even sure I'm supposed to be at. If I drop out of school the world will be disappointed with me... even though I'm pretty sure I could graduate with a Bachelors in General Studies right now if I wanted to. If I stopped working I'd be leaving the company up a creek without a paddle. If I left both and stayed home with Adam, there's always the possibility that in the future I could regret not finishing school, not having a career, etc.
Michael's hoping to do his internship this Winter and realistically if I stay in school, I have 2 internships I have to do and I really don't think I could do them while still maintaining my job (especially not the schedule I'd be adapting if I became Manager). We're not even sure if we'd both be able to be doing stuff because who knows if his internship schedule will clash with my work schedule or internship or whatever. It seems so much simpler to just be the stay at home mom. But come fall when he's in school again I feel like I'll need to be working again, even if I stopped doing work and school for the Winter semester while he was doing his internship. So why would I want to quit my job when I'm in a position where I could get another raise and boost my resume, when I'll probably be needing a job again next Fall, right?
Nothing really makes sense. The only thing that really makes sense right now is looking at my baby and smiling when he smiles, and laughing when he laughs, and rejoicing in his every triumph and skill.
It's a journey.
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