A Moment In My Head

Anxiety for me is something I have a hard time reconciling. I didn’t used to be half as anxious as I am these days. And I think most of the time I prefer to think of myself as old me and not present me. Talking about it makes me feel almost inauthentic because I don’t want to think of myself that way and because I know so many other people have it worse. And not talking about it feels inauthentic too because no matter how much I try to deny it to myself, it is still something I experience. It’s a concept I’ve struggled with most of my life. I don’t feel allowed to feel what I feel or admit to what I feel because someone else has it worse. I feel ashamed at my “audacity” to feel I have a right to have problems. Talking about things that make me sound like a victim makes me feel vulnerable which I tend to deflect with jokes or sarcasm. Partially because I worry about the reactions of those I’m speaking to and want to give them an “out” from a potentially heavy conversation. I fear being “too much.” And then I hate myself for making light of something I don’t take lightly because I worry I’ve misrepresented myself to people. And once my mind has gotten to thinking about what others are thinking about me, generally people I don’t know very well, then I fixate on it. I can’t stop thinking about it all day to the point that it’s difficult to focus on anything else. And then I shame myself for not being able to let it go, for not being normal, for being anxious. And it’s a short skip and a hop from that point, to sliding into depression. Every once in a while I find someone who is naturally babies me by voicing their thoughts out loud for me to assuage that anxiety so I know exactly where they stand and where I stand with them but I also know that I can’t expect that from people and so I do my best to talk myself down and if nothing else create reasonable doubt in my mind that allows for more than one possibility to be true and not just the worst possible option.

Being in Idaho at the moment, where I don’t know how long I’ll be here would normally encourage me to hide my head in the sand and avoid people at all costs so as not have to deal with it. But I have felt strongly that I need to not live like I’m in limbo right now. And so I’ve been trying to feign bravery and socialize, pretend to myself that I’m in for the long haul so that I’m more focused on the present rather the the what if’s of tomorrow. 

But you know what.. it has spoken to me. I used to hate the concept of people being in our lives only for a season. When I love people I tend to love hard and fast and it’s sad to let go of that. But right now it seems to make sense that a season is better than never. And if I have a role to play, or if I can learn something from someone right now, then I can be grateful to Heavenly Father for allowing and encouraging that “season” and opportunity to take place.

It also makes me glad that I have the children I do. I’m grateful for Abby’s made up song “it’s okay to be sad” because it gives me hope that when my kids grow up, they will do so truly believing that it IS okay to be sad.