Sobriety

Knowing exactly what I wanted to say regarding this subject has been a difficult task that has involved a lot of research and a lot of internal debate. And of course, in the end, a lot of it comes down to setting fingers to keyboard and seeing what comes out as I organize my thoughts. I'm sure at the end of this, my thoughts will still feel lacking. Attending the Addiction Recovery Program, a common theme that is heard is people commenting regarding how long they have been "sober." The term sober is used loosely in that it is not being strictly used toward abstinence from alcohol, but rather any non-specific addiction or even habitual vice. I have heard people report anything from "X days sober" to "X weeks sober" to "X years sober." 

This has led me to an interest in defining for myself what "sobriety" means. To truly define sobriety, I think you must first define "addiction." While standard definitions of addiction often remain limited to excessive use of substances, I would expand that definition to any habitual maladaptive behavior. I hope this brings more light to why I believe the A.R.P program can help more than just those suffering from standard "addictions." Most of us have character flaws that need adjusting.

Research has led me to believe that there are two forms of "sobriety." Those being Physical Sobriety, and Emotional Sobriety. Generally speaking, I believe the form of sobriety being mentioned most frequently by those sharing in the Addition Recovery Meetings is that of "Physical sobriety." What people are referencing is how much time has passed since their last relapse. To me, this has never been an especially important factor in my process. I don't find it helpful to think in terms of "it has been this many days since I last messed up." Although I understand that the better perspective in that sense is rather "I have been successful for this many days." One of the facilitators of the meeting last week made a comment last week along the lines of "Recovery always begins with 24 hours." Not to allow loopholes for today's behavior with a belief that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes (in order to negate/ignore any mistakes I may make today)... but rather to focus on recovery taking place one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. The best I can do is make today my best. 

The question then becomes, how do I make every day my best, so that relapse is not a factor? This is where Emotional Sobriety comes in. Without it, I may be physically "sober" for years, but relapse is still potentially inevitable because I have not made the changes necessary to change my reactions to triggering moments/issues. An interesting term I came across during my research of this topic was the term "dry drunk" --being defined as "a person who abstains from alcohol or other addictive substances and behaviors but who is not sober."  This article sums up much of the keys to identifying an addict (someone who is not "sober") through their behavior and so I will quote them here:

"How does one differentiate between a person who is a dry drunk and one who is sober? How would we classify ourselves?

To understand the concept of a dry drunk, begin by envisioning the concept of a drunk-yourself or another. Think of the common personality characteristics and character defects: dishonesty, pride, grandiosity, anger, unpredictability, deceptiveness, selfishness and ego-centrism. Recall the common behaviors: lying, stealing, hiding, grudge-holding, isolating, making false promises, manipulating, temper tantrums, abusiveness, and other episodes of extreme emotion. Certainly it was the drinking, we assumed, that precipitated, or at least intensified, these negative traits and displays.

And then we, or the other person, gave up drinking either on our own or with the help of rehab or A.A. We assumed the behaviors and character defects would vanish with the elimination of alcohol. But they didn’t. In some cases they got worse. Other defects of character cropped up."

To me, this has been an eye-opening realization. Regardless of my physical and behavioral choices, it does not immediately make my other character defects disappear. And I have witnessed new defects of character cropping up. There is an assumption often made that it is the addictive behavior that causes the issues people have. When in reality, more often than not, the addictive behavior is a symptom of an inability to cope with and confront life in a healthy way. The addictive behavior came about as an attempt to put a band-aid or a mask over the real issues in order to ignore them without addressing them. 

Honestly, to me this is extremely frustrating. I've done a decent amount of therapy in my life. If that hasn't fixed my emotional baggage that leads me to struggle with coping with life in a healthy way without resulting to character faults, I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to fix myself. I suppose one of these days I might accept and act upon a realization that that is because I cannot fix it all by myself.

Defining Emotional Sobriety, regardless of how many articles I read on the subject, feels like something I can't truly, and accurately accomplish without feeling like I have reached it myself. One of the better articles that I've found on the subject offered a perspective very similar to the book "The Happiness Trap" by reminding us that acknowledging and accepting our feelings, be them positive or negative, without feeling like we need to ignore them or push them aside, is the only way we can achieve happiness:

"Sometimes emotional sobriety is about tolerating what you are feeling. It is about staying sober no matter what you are feeling. It means that you don't have to blame yourself or your program because life can be challenging. It means that you don't necessarily need to do something to make the feeling go away." 

Honestly, looking at dictionary definitions of the word "sober," aside from the initial and obvious factor of abstinence, just leaves me with a sense that something is missing. The most applicable definitions (to me) seem to be:

1. Devoid of frivolity, excess, exaggeration, or speculative imagination; straightforward

2. Marked by seriousness, gravity, or solemnity of conduct or character. Marked by circumspection and self-restraint.

What immediately comes to mind is something often spoken of in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: the idea of overcoming the "natural man." Sobriety in that sense, is the ability to consistently overcome the natural man, defined in the guide to the scriptures as:

"A person who chooses to be influenced by the passions, desires, appetites, and senses of the flesh rather than by the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Such a person can comprehend physical things but not spiritual things. All people are carnal, or mortal, because of the Fall of Adam and Eve. Each person must be born again through the Atonement of Jesus Christ to cease being a natural man."

 Thus, of course, why the LDS Addiction Recovery Program puts a focus on the Atonement of Jesus Christ as a means through which we can attain sobriety. I cannot spell out exactly in this moment how the Atonement of Jesus Christ helps us reach sobriety. Realistically that's probably a whole other topic for discussion. And, to a great extent, I think this is a personal process, and I can't say that I have exactly figured it out for myself. But I will provide a quote from Russell M. Nelson:

"When you reach up for the Lord’s power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours. When the Savior knows you truly want to reach up to Him—when He can feel that the greatest desire of your heart is to draw His power into your life—you will be led by the Holy Ghost to know exactly what you should do."

 Sobriety then, is first physically choosing abstinence. But second, it seems to involve changing your very identity into one that is able to positively confront and cope with negative emotions. It is choosing not to be defined by our negative emotions, but acknowledging them, without feeling the need to hide from them. It is moderation in all things. It is self-restraint. It is an understanding that not only are we defined by our choices, but that we must also re-define ourselves. It is habitual growth, examination, and rebuilding of our lives. It requires faith, sincere and solemn desire, and an acknowledgement that we need help. It is many things I am not yet, but hope to be.