Somehow we are missing the mark. Those that have been baptized in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have made the agreement to mourn with those that mourn, comfort those in need of comfort, and bear one another’s burdens. I think when we hear those words we tend to imagine those that have lost a loved one and need a shoulder to cry on, or a comfort casserole… large, tangible moments in people’s lives that fit with the narrative in our mind when we hear words like “mourn” and “comfort” and “burdens.” Moments that allow for tangible moments of service (even if that’s not what they need or want).
But there are subtler moments, some small and some big that I feel like are far too often being missed.
I have watched as friends have opened themselves up to being vulnerable, presenting to a group of people at church, questions or doubts that they have regarding the doctrines of the church. And I have watched as people shied away from answering those questions. Or ignored the question altogether. Far too often it seems like the easiest answer comes across as merely a dismissal of their feelings. It often sounds something like:
“Well I don’t worry about that” (therefore you shouldn’t need to)
“That’s never bothered me” (so you shouldn’t let it bother you)
“It will all get sorted out in Heaven” (so don’t question it)
“We don’t get to know all the answers” (so stop asking)
“Just have faith” (aka apparently you lack faith, and I have more faith than you)
“If you just pray about it you’ll get an answer” (can feel like ‘don’t ask me, go somewhere else’)
And even
“I don’t feel comfortable talking about that” (wow, you’re being really inappropriate for bringing that up)
And I have watched people get to the point where they feel so isolated and shamed for having questions or doubts, that they stop letting themselves be vulnerable enough to ask those questions or admit their doubts. Or they turn to the internet and find other people with the same doubt and anger and pain, and tend to side with the only people willing to validate those feelings. And after that, they tend to leave the church because they have no where to go but drown in their sense of aloneness with their doubts, or leave the church and feel the embrace of others who had those same feelings and are ready and willing to embrace them. Because I promise, if we cannot embrace people with doubts, other people will. And there is a great power in finding people willing to love you in your moments of being vulnerable or “perceived weakness.”
By no means do I think most of these responses are meant to invoke the response that I think they often do… But we should be more aware of these moments and seek to find better ways to respond that validate their feelings. I am 100% willing to admit that I have done this myself. I’ve even done this TO MYSELF. When we don’t have the answers ourselves and are unsure of what to say, the easiest thing is to dismiss the question. And some of those responses are 100% valid and even true. But they do NOT validate people’s feelings in that moment.
I can tell you that I have experienced both. I have felt isolated and alone and abandoned with my fears, anger and frustrations. And I have felt the peace that came from discussion that didn’t immediately end with “you’re wrong” and “you just don’t understand,” and “if you just have faith you’ll be fine” or in some other way made me feel bad for lacking faith or obedience or willingness to sacrifice or any number of other virtues. I have active doubts and pains and frustrations and questions. And right now, I have people willing to hear me even if they can’t help me. And that helps me.
Whether we have the answers to address their concerns or not. They would not be asking the question if it was not of importance to them for some reason. Ours is not to know the answer. Ours is not to fix things for them. Ours is not to dismiss them. Ours is to mourn their loss of faith if there has been one. Mourn WITH them. And not shame them. Ours is to comfort them when they need understanding and love. Ours is to not turn our backs on their moment of vulnerability. And depending on the relationship and the question perhaps ours is to help bear the burden of finding an answer, or being the one to accept them when maybe others are not so willing. Or pointing them in the right direction in their search. Or help bear the burden of feeling sad. We can feel sadness with them even if just for a moment. Empathize. And then help to buoy and lift them with love and understanding, instead of dismissal or avoidance.
Mourn with those that mourn
Comfort those in need of comfort
Bear one another’s burdens
Listen to them
Love them
Learn with them
Be patient with them
And may we all listen to ourselves
Love ourselves
Learn by the direction of the Holy Ghost
And respect the time and space we all need to sort through things.
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