Shameless Scars

 I don’t often talk about the subject of self harm because I don’t feel qualified to represent all who have experience with it. And explaining my own experience is difficult to put in words. However, it’s been a nagging thought in the back of my mind for several months now, so we’ll see what I can come up with.

I have a shirt from a group called “To Write Love On Her Arms” which is a suicide/depression/self harm awareness group. Often when I wear it I get blank stares of “what does that even mean” or I get “I love your shirt” or I get people who ask me questions, and I get people who glance away and feign ignorance. But the most unexpected response I’ve ever gotten was actually from someone close to me. I’d already explained the shirt to them, but they were around when someone else asked about the shirt and instead of letting me answer this person chimed in to answer for me. They said something simple along the lines of “it’s for people who self harm” but it was said with such a tone of disgust I admit it was one of the few identifiable moments in my life that I was left speechless. Like “ew, THOSE people.” I don’t honestly think this person meant any offense to me personally. And realistically I don’t even think they ever considered the possibility that me wearing the shirt might imply I had any personal experience with self harm.. but it definitely took me aback.

Now, granted, had I never heard of self harm, had I not found friends who engaged in it, I might never have done it. So I understand to some extent, some hesitancy regarding speaking out about the subject. Because while helping some, you may unknowingly introduce others to a new trial. But realistically, that’s just not something that can be avoided in this day and age. And people who aren’t mentally healthy that don’t get any help, usually struggle in some way or another regardless of what they’ve been introduced to in regards to this subject.

But what I don’t understand, is the almost prideful taboo and prejudice against people who experience this trial, almost as though they are a different class of people. I don’t personally take any offense at this idea because it seems too ludicrous to consider worth my hurt feelings.. but it’s just not a helpful attitude. On what planet does anyone think that shaming people who self-harm will make them any more mentally healthy, or any less likely to self harm?

And it’s something that is perpetuated in so many ways. I can’t even identify how we learn these attitudes, but everyone is familiar with the culture of shame regarding scars from cutting. People who wear long sleeves or never wear shorts, or  get tattoos to cover up old scars. And when you see someone’s eyes glance at your scars there’s an immediate shame reflex. Cover it with your hand, fold your arms, pull your sleeve back down, cross your legs, what have you. And then verbally deflect away from the conversation. Make excuses. Pretend it never happened or doesn’t mean what people think it means.

But my question is why? I mean, not that I’m encouraging or supporting the habit. But shame just doesn’t help anything. I shouldn’t have to look back at old scars and feel shame. I can feel sadness when I think back about how I felt back then. I can feel regret about not seeking a therapist. I can even feel triggered to some extent by those old memories. But shame? I don’t want that. I won’t be helped by that.

The last time that I was struggling with self harm… I remember talking to someone about it and one of their excuses for why I shouldn’t do it was based in shame. Something along the lines of “You don’t want to be stuck with the scars. You won’t want yourself or other people to see them” I understand the sentiment and I don’t fault that person for saying it at all, and sure, sometimes I wish I could wish away the reminders, but it was also not an effective argument and didn’t stop me. It just meant that I put a little more effort into ensuring people wouldn’t see them. And honestly, the whole idea is backwards. While I’m not going to attempt explaining why I have cut myself at this time, I will say that part of it has to do with making feelings tangible. Especially as a teenager. Making them real. Making them seen. Acknowledging them. Feeling them when you don’t know how else to feel them. So the idea of hiding the tangible expression that came about because of how unseen I felt, so it remains unseen? There’s some disturbing irony in that. That’s an environment ripe for relapse.

We need to fight back against shame. Inner shame, and shaming others. One of the most memorable things my last therapist said to me was that “Shame comes from Satan. Guilt comes from God” because shame encourages hiding from real accountability, hiding from feelings, hiding from change. Whereas guilt is intended to incite actual change and growth. But guilt mixed with shame? Clearly they can be difficult to untangle. But shame does not encourage change. 

And what combats shame but unconditional love? And willingness to talk about the hard things instead of pretending they don’t exist. And that applies to a lot more than just self harm. It applies to pornography. It applies to depression. It applies to past sins. Shame leads to more shame. But unconditional love can be a vehicle for all sorts of things.