To anyone who has asked me in the last few months how I was doing, and I answered fine, or good… I am sorry. I have not wanted to be dishonest, but how I’ve been doing has been complex, and wrapped up in a situation that has left me feeling censured, censored and judged... and quite honestly... attacked. And it’s a sensitive issue that while I feel strongly that I should be able to talk about, affects more than just me, and therefore shouldn’t be broadcast publicly. I have been trying desperately to protect everyone involved, while also trying to protect myself, even if not everyone feels that way. Mistakes have been made along the way all the way around… but I am trying and intent matters. In a lot of ways, this has been the worst year of my life. I just haven't felt like I could talk about it, and that is hard for me too. And at this point, I am trying to let it go.
The Facebook gremlins have been sending memes and posts my way that have been speaking to me and how I’ve been feeling for quite a while now, (darn those clever algorithms) and rather than keep sharing vague references to where I’m at I’ve been screenshotting them and saving them to a collective file of things that have resonated with me as I try to find the words for what to say.
I’m not sure I have those words, honestly. But I also need to speak.
I feel like my silence is being misconstrued. And what I have said on the matter has also been misconstrued. Know this... reading my blogs will never be a way to know exactly what I would say to someone about a specific issue because real conversations should be like living creatures that grow and change during open dialogue and earnest listening. Words should be tailored to the listener as you seek to care for that person and how they are feeling and what they understand. And the most important conversation I would have right now, can't happen. Therefore, there are things I have not said and will never say. I have done my best not to bring attention to the issue, which has been viewed as making light of the situation, and I feel the very opposite. It has meant more to me than any of you will ever understand. I have felt betrayed by all the onlookers aware of the situation who have never once sought to seek my perspective on the issue, whether they think they are offering me grace or not, to only listen to one side, and assume you know the whole story, is to deny and insult the other. And it hurts. I have always said that I will strive to honestly answer any sincere and direct question. But those aware of the situation, haven't been asking so it doesn’t matter. And there’s been a lot of dishonesty and faking it when it comes to the sincerity.
I have always hoped that my blogs were a window. A way for people to see through the day-to-day fog of coping and striving for normality. I have always hoped that people trusted that it was an open window and not rose colored glass intended to obscure or alter your perception of my reality. I will continue to have that hope, but for now it is a guarded hope. I hate being misunderstood. I have never wanted to be viewed as unthoughtful or unrestrained. I have never wanted to be considered an enemy or as unworthy. I have never wanted to make choices that would result in those perceptions. I have never wanted to make anyone uncomfortable. I am just a person, trying to do the right thing. And I hate feeling like I can't trust people, because that is not my nature. But that's where I'm at right now.
I am a fixer, and I wish I could fix things. But I can't. I can do my best and someone can still misunderstand, and that is a burden I am trying not to carry. I am not perfect, but if I screw up I want to make it right. I want to be given the opportunity to try to make it right. It hurts to be denied that opportunity. It hurts to feel like people don't care about your feelings. It hurts to feel betrayed by people you trusted or hoped you could trust. It hurts to feel like you are dumped into a situation where you need to prove and defend your intentions and your attempts to do so don't make a difference and aren’t even heard. And I'm done trying.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught: “When you struggle, when you are rejected, when you are spit upon and cast out and made a hiss and a byword, you are standing with the best life this world has ever known, the only pure and perfect life ever lived. You have reason to stand tall and be grateful that the Living Son of the Living God knows all about your sorrows and afflictions”
I am trying to focus on my loving Heavenly Father and his understanding of me, when others cannot. I am grieving. And I am trying to learn a lesson in all this, even if no one else will. I am trying to find peace, and let people be wrong about me, and be okay with it. I am trying to still be someone who trusts people on the whole. I am trying to stand tall, and be grateful Christ knows me and loves me and has felt my tears, even when I am feeling rejected of men. I can't control how people perceive me, but I can try to be free from the burden of shame regardless by remembering that I am worthy of being loved, and my Savior knows me. So, in case you need that reminder, you are worthy of being loved too. And the Savior knows you too. Your best is good enough for Him, even when it isn't good enough for anyone else.
