Forgiveness and Trust

I was having a conversation with someone the other day that ended up emphasizing the difference between forgiveness and trust. At this point in our adult lives, we’ve all heard that we need to forgive others, right? We’ve all heard that Jesus instructed that we would be required to forgive 70 times 7. And of course as adults we understand that is not meant to be taken literally but instead to mean that we are not meant to put limits on our forgiveness to others just as our Heavenly Father does not put limits on His forgiveness for us. 

Now, something that comes up now and again is the fact that there is a difference between forgiveness and trust. I can forgive those who trespass me. Absolutely. And I need that. We all do, right? Holding on to the anger and the hurt is not healthy. But it is important to remember that God is not commanding us to trust people without boundaries. Forgiveness without limits is not the same as trust without boundaries. Now, I’ve heard that said before, but I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that it was backed up by scripture before. And that can be hard especially when you are feeling pressured by people who are misusing that commandment to forgive to manipulate you into trusting them without making amends.

But you know what I realized this week? It absolutely is backed up by scripture. As one example, the parable of the master distributing talents to his servants is an example of trust and boundaries. Expectations were set, trust was extended. To the servants who utilize the talents wisely, he doubles them. He exercised trust in them. And when they showed they were worthy of that trust, he extended more trust. However, the servant who failed to meet those expectations had what was given to him taken away. Does that mean the master never forgave that servant? No it does not. It means a boundary was enforced when expectations were not met. And I absolutely believe that if we were to write an extended edition of that parable, if the last servant were to come back and express his sincere apologies for his actions, show that he understood where he had failed, and that he had a sincere desire to repair the relationship, repair the trust with his master, and that he had put forth the time and effort to show that he had a plan for how he was going to do better, that with time the master’s forgiveness could have grown into a new opportunity to exercise trust in that servant once again. And with evidence of change, that relationship could have been healed. But without the servant making the choice to apologize in a way that was truly penitent, then the master was under no obligation to trust that servant ever again. 

Far too often I see the commandment to forgive misused by people who think that those they have hurt have a duty to forgive them without any effort made on the part of the person who caused the offense. And should those people forgive them? Absolutely. Although I will say that it is not anyone's place to put a timeline on that forgiveness. However, it is critical that we understand that apologies still hold a critical place in this equation. 

Without apologies, forgiveness can still happen, but relationships die. Trust dies. Sincere apologies are like repentance. And the apology turns into a lie unless you are willing to put forth action to support the apology. Actions that address the hurt. Actions that show a desire to not only slap a band-aid on the situation but promote healing. Actions that show an understanding of how you made that person feel, and the desire not to make them feel that way again. Sincere apologies show that you care about the person, they show that you care about the relationship you have, whether it be professional or friendly or romantic, it doesn’t matter. Apologies show that you want to build something and not tear people down.

This is why repentance is so important to our Heavenly Father. It’s not because he needs us to say sorry for Him to forgive us. He absolutely can and does forgive us even when we do not apologize. It’s because He needs us to care enough about our relationship with Him to want to seek him, acknowledge what we did, whether accidentally or intentionally, repair the damage that was done, to understand Him, and seek to grow closer to Him in the process. That is why we need to repent. It’s not for His sake. It’s not so we can be forgiven. It’s so we can grow together with Him. It's because without repentance we can't love and respect Him. Without repentance we can't have the type of relationship with Him that He desires to have with us. 

And that is the model he has given us for our relationships here on earth. So the next time you tell yourself “I don’t need to apologize to that person,” let’s acknowledge that what you are saying is “I don’t care enough about that person to repair my relationship with them.” And sometimes, maybe that’s okay. Sometimes we need to put up boundaries and walk away. But if you aren’t willing to apologize, if you aren’t willing to put forth the work to repair what was broken, please don’t tell that person that you love them as though that fixes things. Because that is a narcissistic kind of love. That communicates a love that only cares about you and your needs and not theirs. Love without respect. And that’s not Christ-like love. Depending on the context and the relationship that can be extremely damaging and toxic. Even when we need to walk away... if we are truly seeking to be Christ-like, then our arms should be outstretched if the moment ever presents itself, that they are finally willing to repair things with us. "Knock and it shall be opened unto you."

I’m gonna end with a series of quotes I’ve been thinking about lately:

“The highest form of love is consideration. When someone thinks about how things would make you feel. Pays attention to detail. Holds you in regard when making decisions that could affect you. In any bond, how much they care about you can be found in how much they consider you.” 
Kira J

“If you are around people who can confidently speak up when your behavior is impacting them negatively, it means they have respect for themselves, and it means they are teaching you how to love them because they value you enough to keep you in their lives." 
Nina Grewal

“When a woman bravely reaches out to address something that hurts her, it's a precious gift. It's her saying, "I still care enough to fix this. I'm willing to fight for us." It's a profound chance for connection, for healing, and for mutual growth. But when that moment of vulnerability is met with anger, blame, or dismissal, it pushes her further away. Not just emotionally-but spiritually. Because nothing is more damaging to a woman's spirit than constantly being made to feel wrong for simply wanting to be treated right.” 
Unknown

3 Simple Rules to live by:
Love needs action.
Trust needs proof.
Sorry needs change.

Honestly I could share a dozen more, but I'm not sure it's worth the time right now. I have spent so much time and energy the last few years into reaching out to people when things hurt me. And more often than not I have been met with dismissal instead of the desire to reach understanding. Excuses are made instead of accountability shown. And afterwards, nothing changes. Each time I am expressing that I still care enough about that relationship to want to provide an opportunity for this to be fixed. And each time I find myself feeling more angry and then more detached. Not because I don't care, but because I have cared for too long and I'm not getting enough in return. That's a status quo that cannot be maintained. I don't know how to keep caring enough, and I don't know when to let go. We can't expect that we will always get apologies or real change. But we can choose who we trust. And once trust is broken, it takes more than "sorry" or love to fix it. It needs action, proof and change.