Soon to Say Goodbye

I've been back in Austin for a week or so now. But on New Years, January 01, 2010 I return back to Idaho for good. This semester I'm taking

Drawing I
Art Seminar
Old Testament
Class Piano Instruction Level I
Introduction to the Visual Arts
State and Local Government

I'm living in a set of apartments near the gym! Which is pretty exciting, I think! Feel free to email me and I can give you my new address. I'm so excited to leave... I need to finish packing... but I'm sooooo ready to leave. I miss the lovely people I know and love in Idaho, and I just miss the place. It makes me feel better, no matter what may be wrong in my life. I just love the place. And somehow, I feel like it will make me feel closer to Michael, at least for a time, because of the memories we have together in Rexburg.

I love you all, my Texas friends, and I shall miss heaps, as Michael might say!
I look to the day I shall see you once more.

Idaho!

So, I am back in IDAHO! Just for a week, to be at Lindy's wedding, but still. I love the snow. And I just love Idaho, so much. Snow, blankets the leafless trees, and all the evergreens. A thick hazy fog ensnares the land in a beautiful scene of wintry wonderland. I just love it. "I do not feel the cold, Brother!" comes to mind! I just love it so so much.

I cannot even express the desire I have, to get married, and live here, and to raise my children here. It's like all I want in the whole wide world. It's so beautiful. And there's just a feeling in the air... I really can't explain it, but there is love in the air here. It's like... sometimes I can feel Michael's presence all around me. I feel very happy and comforted here. I just love it so much. I feel closer to the Lord, when I am in Idaho. I just feel, very uplifted.

I adore Texas, and it forever holds a very large piece of my heart. And I will always love coming home to my beloved Austin, Texas. And I cherish the fond memories of people, friends, and family, that I have there. There's nothing like it.

And so, Texas is my home. And Idaho, is the home for my heart.

Shred

In the past I've always had some shred of hope, that things were atleast supposed to be mutual, and that both sides wanted things to be mutual. I think, that this point, I'll just give up that hope, and see how well I work without it.

Don't Cut The Cord

Best friends can go months, even years without seeing eachother... and when they are once again reunited, it feels like they've barely been apart. Because their friendship was so tight knit, and still is, that it withstands the tests of time.

However, avoidance... is something that damages that cord, that connection. Neglecting a relationship wears thin that connection that enables the endurance of time.

And I don't think there is anything worse than that. No one should ever have to lose a friendship that could have lasted forever, if not for the neglect it suffered. No friendship is "perfect" because its the differences that bring out our tightest bonds. But every friendship is precious, and should be regarded as such.

Reason for Everything

There is a reason for everything. For everything we go through. For everything that happens. Everything we experience. Everything we feel, or express. Life is a course, and it doesn't matter how long we take to finish it... but merely what we can accomplish during the time we spend.

There might be something I have... that I would never want to tell anyone about. But... something happens to me years prior, that helps me to create a relationship with the one person, that can help... and because of the years of history, that person is also the only person I am willing to talk to about it.

Funny ain't it?

Things happen for a reason.

Imagine

Death

Fear of death, I think, is an irrational thing. We know not what [exactly] is coming, and therefore we fear. But fear, like other things... is a state of mind. It is a choice. And we can choose not to feel it, or pay it any heed.

Death is natural. It can even be peaceful.
But it is only peaceful... if it is natural.

Most importantly, death, is Real.

Natural Order

Every relationship has a natural order through which it proceeds. Intimacy, should, in all circumstances, begin at the top. The most shallow parts of the water, so to speak... such as long hugs, holding hands, playing footsie (if you're the type for that), et cetera. Beyond that, everything gets hazy, because the moment you kiss that person, the line gets thinner, and easier to cross, and less visible, until you're actually crossing it.

I knew a guy once... that had his 'natural order' of things, entirely screwed up, somehow. He wouldn't hold a girl's hand, unless they were actually dating. He wouldn't kiss a girl's lips, unless they were actually dating. But he would wrap his arms around your waist. And he would engage in the sweet and tender finger flirtations, if you indulged him and returned any of his attention. He would come up behind you, and put his hands in your back, or front pockets. He might even, kiss your neck, or your cheek. His fingers would graze the skin, beneath your shirt, and even travel, all the way up. And on the random occasion, he might unclasp a girl's bra. And yet, he wouldn't kiss your lips, or actually hold your hand, unless you were dating.

Sound a little messed up to you? Yeah, well, I think most people would agree.

And this is why, there is a natural order to things. Because physical intimacy is a slippery slope, that simply gets steeper, the further you go. And of course, you want to go further, because everyone enjoys going down a hill much more than they do trying to climb back up a hill. Which is why, it is best, to build road blocks for yourself, so that you won't go down, until the time is right. Set up landmarks in your life, like marriage, that dissolve those roadblocks.

6 Months

Today commemorated the 6 month mark, of Michael having been on his mission. 1/4 of the way through... and 3/4ths of the way to go.

peace

pick me up so i can fly.
help me so that i can try.

lift me up where i am strong.
guide me with thy soothing song.

wrap me up in warming fleece.
let me fall to sweet release.



a poem by emily jane