In some ways, listening to General Conference is hard. I have struggled the last few years to describe my testimony, or my faith. I believe in God. I believe in Christ. I believe in the prophets and the apostles. I believe in my church leaders. I believe. But do I have faith? Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I think I don’t. Sometimes I have been so overrun with depression that I have felt so apathetic that I could not feel anything. I could not feel the spirit, I could not feel sadness, I could not feel joy. Sometimes, even though I don’t feel overrun by depression, I feel awash with the feeling that while I know God loves me, I fear it is not in the way that I want to be loved.
Someone once asked me the question, “how do I know God loves me?” The answer to that feels simple and clear. The actual answer I gave is probably too long for this forum, so here is an excerpt from how I answered that question:
“If I believe in God then I know that He loves me enough to allow me agency.
If I believe I am a daughter of God, I must believe He loves me. Because I am His daughter, and God is perfect and a perfect father loves their children.
If I believe in Christ then I believe that God sent His son to die for me, which means that He loves me.
If I believe in the atonement of Christ then I must also believe that God wants me to return to Him, which means He loves me.
If I believe God wants me to love and serve my neighbor, it must be because He loves them. And if I am their neighbor then by the same token, He wants them to love and serve me, and that He loves me too.
If I believe in the afterlife as we do, then I believe that God wants me to grow and progress.
If I believe in repentance then I know that God is willing to love and forgive me despite the terrible things that I’ve done and the rest of my imperfections.
If I believe in prayer then I know that God listens to me.
If I believe in the Holy Ghost, then I know that He loves me because He has sent means through which I can receive confirmation of His truths for myself and not just follow blindly in all things.
If I believe in the Holy Ghost then I know that He loves me because He has given me the means by which I can receive comfort and feel Him.”
But notice that every answer I gave has the stipulation “If I believe.” Because I wasn’t 100% certain that I did believe. And it’s not because I don’t believe. Like I said, I do. But it is with some hesitancy that I haven’t been able to define. And today I finally feel like I can define the why for my hesitancy. This feels weird to admit outside my own brain, but sitting, watching General Conference today, the answer to that felt clear. Right now, while I believe in God… I do not love him.
Some of you aren’t even sure how that works. Or, I am clearly very ungrateful. How can I be aware of the many great and wonderful things about God and not love him? That’s a subject for another day so I won’t try to answer that right now.
But it answers so many questions. Why do I feel like I believe but can’t have faith? Because I cannot fully trust, that which I do not love. At the end of her General Conference talk today, Michelle D. Craig said “When we love Jesus Christ, he gives us all in return.” And that was the moment I thought… I don’t love him.
I think one of the reasons why I like to ask people about their testimonies of God and Jesus Christ are because I enjoy feeling uplifted and inspired by their love for Him. I also love getting to know people by learning about their passions. But it is also one of the most vulnerable questions I can ask people. Because, per normal social standard, their response is often to follow up by asking me to share my own testimony of faith and love. And admitting that I don’t feel the same feels more vulnerable than anything else, especially in that moment after hearing their confidence in faith. I feel inadequate and subpar and I want the attention off me. And the follow up often includes an attempt to fix me. And I do not feel fixable. But I love my friends, and I love the light in their eyes when they talk of what they love. So I’ll keep asking because I love supporting people in their faith. And I love seeing their love.
I don’t have an answer right now. And I’m not looking for someone to solve it for me. But knowing what the problem is gives me hope for fixing it. And that will do for now.
2 comments:
I spent years and years feeling subpar in my testimony because I could not "imagine" or picture Christ in my head. You know all the lessons..."imagine your Savior is right beside you, etc". Then I learned about aphantasia vs. hyperphantasia. That it is a very real ability to see things in your head or not, or somewhere in between. It's a spectrum ability, and I would rate my ability as a 1 or a 2. It's super hard for me, and feels like "seeing through a glass darkly." But, it is easier for me to do if I have actually seen the thing in real life. Imagine your brain is like a computer, and everyone you normally associate with has a Mac, in full color, and you have a Dos system, with a blinking green prompt. The information in picture files is there, in my brain, waiting for me to access it, but most of the time, I function just fine without it, and accessing it just Slows Me Down...so I don't. Anyway, I have come to realize that just like a blind person, I Don't Need To See in order to function! For some reason, the veil is drawn more like a blackout curtain for me, visually. But, I Can Feel. Sometimes my feelings are so intense though, that I put myself on autopilot as far as the gospel goes, because even that can be so intense. The other gift I have been given is the gift of knowledge. I can know my Savior, and I know he loves me, because I can feel his love for me. I am not sure how much I love Him in return, but I try to focus on 2 things: 1. Loving my children & husband in an active, faith filled way (which is a hard thing to do some days) and learning how to do the same for others, and 2. Reading the Book of Mormon every day. Learning of Christ. I also know that my ability to "imagine a loving Father", even theoretically, has been impacted by having a less than perfect Earthly Father. So I know I need to know more about Him before I will feel love for Him. And to be honest, I have spent a lot of time being mad at Him, so that makes it hard. Following President Nelson's challenge to highlight everything in the Book of Mormon about what the Lord will do for covenant Israel has actually helped me a lot on this path. Anyway, love ya. Those are my experiences, - ❤️your Biggest Sis
You can use the same method you used to know God loves you to define or work on your love for Him. He asks us to show we love Him by keeping the commandments. Do you keep any of the commandments? (Rhetorical since I know you do) List them saying: I show God I love him by … going to church, paying tithing, praying, reading my scriptures, loving my neighbors and serving them (including your family)… you can ask yourself if there is anything you might need to work on that might help you feel like you are learning to love Him more or show it more so you learn to feel it more. Counting our blessings helps us feel His love, being grateful for them shows our love and appreciation for Him and not just for what we got. Also just take time to appreciate the spiritual high of conference and let it pamper you spiritually like a physical spa day or bubble bath. Immerse yourself in the feelings for the time being and then give yourself a sampling any time you need to remind yourself by going back and listening to one or two talks again whenever you need a pick me up. Maybe play it on your phone while driving somewhere so it doesn’t feel like it takes away from the limited time you have.
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