Love of Home

My experience growing up in Texas is something I believe to be unique, primarily because I grew up in Austin. I think people wonder why people in Texas seem to grow up with such a sense of pride for their state. And sometimes I wonder too. I never really felt like anyone was telling me to have pride for my state. Austin is the "Music Capital of the World" and it's the place where we're taught to "Keep Austin Weird" and where we make fun of Waco for trying to copy us with "Keep Waco Wacky." Austin is the home of the Texas state capitol building... which is 15ft taller than the United States Capitol building. Most notably of course, it is the home of The University of Texas, filled with phrases like "Go Longhorns!" and "We bleed orange!" Everyone's heard the normal Texas phrases of course, like "Everything's bigger in Texas" and everyone knows that Texas is the only state that's ever been a country, and it's also the only state who has it written in its constitution that they can succeed from the union and/or split itself into 4 different states. "Don't mess with Texas" and of course, our famous use of the world "ya'll" ... or "yawl" depending on how "cowboy" the citizen is or thinks he is. But I never really felt like those were the things that made me love Texas... except maybe with the exception of the word "ya'll" because I certainly do love that! Personally, one of my favorite things about Texas is the bluebonnets in spring.

In high school I returned to public school system and learned that all of a sudden we had a new pledge I'd never heard before: The Texas Pledge ... which goes a little something like this:

"Honor the Texas flag. I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas. One state under God, one and Indivisible"

I was so confused. I had no idea what people around me were saying or what I was supposed to be saying. And I thought it was utterly ridiculous to be pledging allegiance to a state. Most people now a days are lucky if they even live in one place for more than five years. Most people live in multiple states during their life time and barely think twice about it.  For a long time I refused to say the Texas pledge because I thought it was dumb. But it grows on you I suppose. And I think it was that pledge more than most things in my life that instilled in me a love for Texas. Just hearing it every day. Showing that we do respect our flag and our history and that it is a part of everyone who grows up in Texas. It made me feel like I was a part of something bigger. And I think that everyone should feel that way about something.

But you know what really did it? It was leaving Texas that taught me Texas pride. When I first came to Idaho, I encountered a lot of hate. And that's really what I have to call it. I was getting harassed on a weekly if not daily basis for being a Texan. I had to put up a front for Texas pride in order to shield myself from all the things people were saying to me. It was a survival mechanism. And I just didn't understand it. What gave anyone the right to bash on the place I grew up in? Where my family lived? Where my home was? People focused so much on where you were from. Left and right all around me there were comments like "Iowa, who lives in Iowa?"... and the list went on with North Dakota, Ohio, Nevada etc... and I noticed immediately that no one had any pride for their own state. And I thought that was the weirdest concept. You grow up somewhere... somewhere filled with memories of your family, your friends and your religion. How do you not feel some kind of love for where you're from? I never thought loving Texas would be a problem because I thought everyone loved their home state and everyone would understand my love for Texas because they could relate it to how much they loved Idaho or Montana or Michigan or what have you! And I don't see why they shouldn't love their home state as much as I love Texas! In that respect, I don't think Texas is any different from any other state! And if I raise my children somewhere besides Texas, which I feel I most likely will... I want them to have pride for whatever state they grow up in! With a little Texas pride thrown in for dear old mom!

When I got to Idaho, I wondered why everyone thought all the cowboys came from Texas... because I sure knew a whole lot more people who acted like what people expected "Texans" to act like while I was in Idaho than I ever did in Texas. I came to love Idaho quickly. I loved the cold weather. I loved the spirit I felt there. I loved seeing horses and cows and donkeys and llamas. I loved meeting people who actually went hunting and lived off the land. I loved how clean things were. I loved making memories with roommates and with Michael. I loved deciding with Michael that Idaho was where we wanted to raise our kids. I loved looking out my window and seeing the temple. It was in Idaho that I gained an appreciation for the American flag. I wondered how people from different states could feel so much animosity towards each other when we had all been saluting the American flags our whole lives. Aren't things people have in common supposed to unite them? Why had saluting the American flag not taught us all to be united? It was Idaho that got me through a long two year struggle of waiting for Michael on his mission. It was Idaho that was always inspiring me to be better...

Utah is first and foremost, the place where my parents met. It's the place my family went to for the rare and precious visits to see my Grandma and Grandpa Fish. I have always felt I had deep roots in Utah, even though I never had the chance like my siblings to spend much time there--I've always loved coming back. Utah to me, is the land of the red earth and the snow. Utah is the home of the most beautiful mountains... It's the land of the evergreens I've always loved so much. It's the land where nearly every plant has a smell you can remember it by. It's the land of the plush green wonderful grass I have ALWAYS been jealous of, living in Texas. Because while Texas grass is good for making sounds with between your hands... it'll never compare to the feeling of Utah's grass slipping between your toes. Being in Utah so far has taught me how to better understand and appreciate the grid system, because while it doesn't necessarily keep me from getting lost, it does help when I'm trying to get un-lost. Utah reminds me of home, because I see diversity. I walk down the street and see people of every shape and color and size and fashion sense--members and nonmembers alike. And the thing I love most about being in Utah is knowing that I'm walking down streets of history. When I'm in Utah, I feel closer to the past of the church. I feel like everything really is true, because this is where it all happened. I just know that I have to believe, and that there is a reason why I believe on my Savior.

I love Texas. But I love it because it's my home. I love it because it's where my family is. I love Texas because that is where most of my memories are. I love Texas because it's where I found my love for the Gospel. So if you're from New York or Arizona, Washington or Florida you should love your home state just as much as I love Texas, for those reasons alone, if not more. And I think we should all respect each other for that love and for the reasons that love is founded on.

I believe that every place we ever step foot in is filled with a million reasons for us to love being there. I believe we should respect every reason why people love their homelands and even foreign lands. I believe we should love all people. I believe we should never judge a person for their passions. I believe we should feel more love for America than we do for our own states so that we can actually have that feeling of unity with all our peers no matter where they were born.

Telling the World

This, my friends, is my new favorite song. I think it's got something for everyone! Besides, the video really makes me want to see the movie Rio.

Untold History

I found out today that Osama Bin Laden is now dead upon declaration by President Barack Obama. I'm not really sure what my thoughts on the subject are, but I was told I should record the historic moment. So I will keep my comments at that and comment instead on a similar figure in our history.

I believe everyone here recalls the controversial figurehead of Iraq, Saddam Hussein. Americans were trained to hate him through every media reference we ever saw come over the internet, newspaper or television. And fair enough, he was notorious for terrorizing his own people, murdering millions, and torturing many more. However I'd like to offer an alternative perspective we might consider.

I once knew a woman named Gretel Bingham, daughter of Raoul Wallenberg, a famous Swedish humanitarian who saved tens of thousands of lives issuing passports to Jews and housing them during the Holocaust. If you look into the history of this honored man, you will find no record of him having a daughter. Gretel Bingham was born and raised in Sweden while her father was hiding under ground and no record was made. When she was just seven years old she was sent off with all the other children in a large ship in order to keep them safe during this time of war. The ship was torpedoed and all of Gretel's documents were lost. Holding on to floating pieces of wreckage she was saved by a passing ship some time later and given passage to Portugal where she was adopted by a family there. I will not go into the long and detailed story of her life or how she came to the United States or how I made her acquaintance because that is a subject for a very long novel I haven't the expertise to write. However...during the long span of her life she spent time in Iraq and worked for Saddam Hussein in his palace. I have strong memories of Gretel ranting about American tabloids and the injustice done to his name. I had a hard time understanding her at the time because it seemed very clear to me that he was a bad man. But I believe I have come to understand a little better now. Saddam Hussein was kind to Gretel. She described him as a gracious, kind man with a wonderful family and a beautiful palace. She was absolutely enthralled with his sons and never saw anything but the characteristics of a good and firm leader when she saw the figure of Saddam Hussein.

I suppose our first reaction is to question her awareness of the many things he did while leading his country, but I believe Gretel had a point. Saddam Hussein may have been a bad leader, but no one on this earth is devoid of good qualities. My mother once told me something that taught me a great lesson. A person is not what their actions suggest. You can hate their characteristics, or their personality, or their actions, but you cannot hate any individual. Because as an individual on this earth, they are a son or daughter of God. That is who they are even if they don't know it, or seem miles away from that beautiful potential. But as a son or daughter of God we all have come to this life with the light of Christ.

Matthew 7:11

....If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Saddam Hussein was a man just like any of the rest of us. And I'm sure he knew how to give good gifts. He knew how to be a leader. He knew how to love. He had the light of Christ. I believe this is a part of history untold. How fitting that it would come from Gretel Bingham, a woman who's history has no documentation--whose story will not be recorded in history.

Let this story be an example of the wide difference our choices can make. Our actions may not go down in history. Most of the choices we make in any given day are unknown to anyone but ourselves. But God knows. How different could the lives of Saddam Hussein or Osama Bin Laden have been had they known their potential; had they known how to magnify that light of Christ instead of hiding it beneath the bushel of dictatorship or terrorism? How different can our lives be if we choose to magnify and testify of our knowledge of Christ, instead of glorifying the power of man?

Love God. Love your heritage. Testify always.

May First

Happy Half Birthday to me!

Prayer

My first semester at BYU Idaho, one of my roommates was taking a religion class. In that class they were given a handful of challenges that they could pick from to endeavor. The one she chose was on prayer. Her teacher challenged them to make the subject of their morning prayer be on Gratitude and Gratitude alone for 15 minutes every morning for two weeks. She mentioned once the growth she felt from this and how difficult it seemed at first to think of 15 minutes worth of things to be grateful for... but by the end of those two weeks she didn't want to stop. Fifteen minutes would come and she couldn't stop thinking of things the Lord had blessed her with. Fifteen minutes was no longer enough time for her to express that gratitude.

This notion intrigued me early on. Now I know, you probably think it's a little weird to time your prayers, and I agree. Which is why I wouldn't say that this is a practice that should be regularly enforced... but I believe it is a good learning exercise. I took this challenge on that first semester and I felt closer to God by the end of those two weeks than I had ever felt in my life (to my recall). My burdens felt lighter.

Michael spoke of prayer in his most recent email. He described a woman who felt her burdens were too heavy to spend time praying for other people--that she needed to focus on praying for her own problems. Michael explained that while he understands the feeling, that he feels more blessed when he prays for others than when he has prayed for himself alone. This has always been an odd concept to me because most days I only pray for others, and rarely pray about anything to do with myself. And while I believe this is one of my strengths, I believe that we should find some balance.

I do not go to my Heavenly Father about my life and my struggles enough. Because I pray so much for others, and put their needs before my own, I am more apt to discredit my own problems rather than go to the Lord for aid and direction.

The challenge of having my morning prayers pay homage to the many things God has provided me with and how he has blessed my life helped me to connect with my Heavenly Father in such a way that I felt of His love for me. I was able to feel that my Heavenly Father truly loved me and that I could go to him with any need--my needs, not just the needs of others. It also helped me establish a habit of daily morning prayer at the time.

I think this is a challenge I'd like to endeavor to participate in again. I remember the spirit of gratitude that dwelt in my heart that semester... and I would so love to invite it back into my life as well as the testimony of my Father's love for me.

~~~

I suggest reading Mormon 9:13-37
But specifically... I suggest Mormon 9:20,31

The Hunt

Every day I get on the computer.
And every day I fill out a few more applications
And look for a few more...
And I'm so sick of looking for jobs.
Sigh.

Been at Kathy's for about a week and a half now, and I've got a little more than half a week more here before I go to Provo. There's still time of course to find jobs, and I'm sure I'll continue the process of looking for and filling out more and more applications. Although I've kind of hit a point where I feel like the only jobs left, are the ones that only accept paper applications, which means actually being in Provo. I'll keep praying though.

My dear friend and roommate Ann has begun planning thoughts of decorations for our room, which makes me very "nesty" as Kathy would say. Especially with Michael coming home so soon now. I want to go buy things for a home! Decorations and knickknacks! I looooove knickknacks! haha.

I know. I'm ridiculous.

Kokopelli!
Glass figurines!
Fish!
Rubber Duckies!
Kangaroos!

An Associates Degree

I just took my last final. If I wanted to, I could say I was done. I could declare that I never have to take another test again in the secular setting. Tomorrow, I will graduate BYU-Idaho with my Associates Degree. But I certainly don't feel done. I feel a pulling at my heart, that I feel will some day lead me back to this place. I've had friends and memories in this cold dank place that warms my soul and brightens my face. And I don't feel done. I know there is something coming. I know there are things for me to do. I know there are things for me to learn. There are people out there, that need me in their life... and if I stopped growing and developing right now--as a person and as a citizen, and as a Daughter of God--I would not be ready to meet the needs of those individuals.

So tomorrow, I will get my Associates. But I will not be done. My education will not be over--nor I hope, will it ever be.

Tomorrow I will leave this city of Rexburg, hopefully to face new challenges in the coming months. But I hope to come back to this city of love and learning.

Tomorrow I will say good bye to good friends. But I hope to see many of them again.

Tomorrow I will pack up my things and see an empty home. But I will take my things, and make a new home.

Tomorrow I will leave the Lord's University. But I will not leave the Lord.

Tomorrow I will be one step closer to being who I want to be. But I won't have reached my potential yet.

Tomorrow I will get my Associates. But I certainly will not be done.

Fears

I miss Michael. I need Michael to come home. I need to come to peace about the life I've lived the past two years. I need to be more patient. I need to be more understanding. I need to be more confident. I need to be more independent. I need to be more humble. I need to love. I need to be loved. I need to not feel so alone.

Service and Friendship

"I have wept in the night for the shortness of sight that to somebody's need made me blind; But I never have yet felt a tinge of regret for being a little to kind
--Unknown"

So many times I've been told that I'm too nice. I don't understand that idea and I feel confident that the Savior would not agree with this idea either. I think the problem that people see with being too nice, is that you will be taken advantage of... And I will acknowledge that possibility, but I believe, ideally we can follow the model the Savior has given in this principle.

It is true that the Lord gives us an eternal amount of second chances. We can repent, and his arms will forever be stretched out still. The key difference thing to remember is that he has taught us how to behave and how to return to him. In our own lives, we have the same ability to "teach" those around us what we expect from them... Whether it's doing the dishes, or putting the toilet seat down. If they don't meet our expectations, that doesn't mean that we get upset or give up on them. It means we continue to serve and love them even if they never return with the actions of respect or love that we desire.

I've heard so many people say that the Lord does not expect us to do this. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" kind of thinking that teaches us not to trust those who have messed up. The idea being that if we trust someone who has betrayed us in the past, we are setting ourselves up and people will take advantage of us. But I believe the notion of being "taken advantage" can only apply if you are ignorant of the situation. If you are choosing to serve unconditionally, you can never be "taken advantage of" because you are giving that service willingly. In that sense, it is all dependent on how you think about it. And I believe that willingly serving those who may take advantage of us, gives us a power through strengthening us in patience and love, while dissolving any negative feelings we may have. To refuse service because of some maleficent or unappreciated deed is immature, and more harmful to you, than it will ever be to the actor of that deed.

"Kindness, love, patience, understanding, and unity will increase as we serve, while intolerance, jealousy, envy, greed, and selfishness decrease or disappear. The more we give of ourselves, the more our capacity to serve, understand, and love will grow."
--Carlos H. Amado, "Service, a Divine Quality"

"The Savior will let you feel the love He feels for those you serve. The call is an invitation to become like Him."
--Elder Henry B. Eyring

In my life, I feel a great responsibility to touch and influence the lives of those around me for good. I have a constant fear that the people who cross my life will do just that.. "cross my path." I may only have a short amount of time with any one person that enters my life. I might not have a lifetime of friendship to love and cherish them and to be there for them in all their needs. And to be honest, that scares me. One of the greatest talents I possess is my ability to make strong friendships, especially in times of need. I hold myself to high expectations of "what a friend is." Sometimes I fear that makes me only a successful "bad weather friend." I have seen the Lord put people in my life that needed me. And I have also seen many friendships dissolve when the trial was over. "Our paths cross" ... but do not seem to stay on the same path for very long. Sometimes I resent this. It is in trial that I have seen myself grow closest to friends in my life. To watch such a powerful friendship dissolve afterwards, is awful.

Trials are extremely powerful things that lead to a plethora of opportunities. It is in trial that we have that opportunity to grow closer to our Savior and our King.

At the same time, I deeply appreciate knowing that I can be an instrument in the Lord's hands. I feel such gratitude for the opportunities I have had to get to know so many wonderful and precious Children of God. I love them. And I know the Lord will allow me a few kindred spirits that I can save as my closest friends for my entire life. I cherish the opportunities I have to learn and grow from them and to love them for a life time. I pray regularly for the blessing that my most cherished friends will spend more time in my life than just to "cross my path."

"We become more substantive as we serve others--indeed, it is easier to 'find' ourselves because there is so much more of us to find!"
Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball, 85-86)

If there is anything in the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that I have a testimony of, it is service. I hope and pray with all my heart to be in tune to the needs of those around me. I pray for the spirit to guide and direct my words and my actions. I want nothing more in life than to know that I have spent a life time in the service of my God and my fellow man.

I have such a strong capacity to love that I yearn to feel more love for those around me. And the best way I know to find that is to serve. I want a life of service. It is in service that I learn the most about the characteristics of my Savior and that I yearn to be more like him. It is in service that I grow. I find myself. And I find an unending well of possibility that I can continue to find as I perfect my ability to serve and love unconditionally and to see others through the eyes of Christ.

Hands like His

Today I went to the Salt Lake Temple with Ann. If there is anything to be remembered, it is the spirit of the pioneers that could be felt in that building. Sitting there it didn’t feel like there could possibly be anything much more important than sitting in that room, full of heritage, imagining those people… people like Brigham Young who had walked through those halls and had baptized the saints in the same font I was about to climb down into.

For whatever reason, the whole time I was there, I couldn’t stop thinking about our dear friend, Vanessa. For those of you who don’t know Vanessa… she was blind. Vanessa was one of the sweetest people you would ever have met and the most patient. She never let being blind inhibit her from doing anything she wanted to do. She died a few months ago. Every time we went to a temple with Vanessa, someone would take her by the elbow and guide her by the walls so she could feel the designs in the woodwork and admire the beauty of the temple through the feeling in her hands as someone described them to her to the best of their ability. I remember her being sad when we went to the San Antonio temple, because San Antonio’s beauty is in the art work and in the stained glass windows and not in the woodwork. It was hard for her to appreciate the beauty of that temple when she was used to the Houston temple. But she always kept in mind that she was in the Lord’s house, and that made it beautiful.

Salt Lake City Temple was very simple inside. Most of the woodwork was simple. But the parts that had designs were beautiful and ornate. Imagining some pioneer carpenter making them by hand was awe inspiring and added to the feeling of sacredness to the room. I also spent a lot of time admiring the oxen. Their faces and their eyes showed a sense of deep concern. I felt like their eyes were communicating the tragedy that so few people come to the temple… the tragedy that so many souls out there have yet to have that saving ordinance of baptism and be sealed to their families. Their eyes showed a Christ like love.

The whole time Ann and I sat in the baptismal room I thought of Vanessa and how she would have seen that room. After I felt like I had absorbed the room as much as I could visually, I closed my eyes and felt everything I could with my hands without trying to be obvious about it. It made me sad that Vanessa would not have been able to feel those oxen, as I was not able. How would someone have described the emotions in the eyes of those figures? Most things were simple as I said… but there was something very different about cutting off the perspective of eye sight and feeling things with my hands. I felt like the age of the building was seeping through my hands and telling me things my eyes could not. I still felt the spirit of the room, even when my eyes were closed. I knew Vanessa would have been able to feel the spirit in that room and feel its history as I was able, and I just knew she would have loved it. With all her heart.

I thought a lot about hands. I don’t think we think enough about hands. Hands are so sensitive and can feel so much. They can also do so much. Sitting in the temple, thinking of how Vanessa used her hands to see and not just feel, I thought to myself, that Vanessa probably understood hands so much better than anyone else. If we let him, the Lord’s hands can be working constantly in our lives, helping us to grow closer to him. I thought about our hands, and how like most seeing people, we don’t appreciate our hands as much as the blind. Our eyes blind us in a sense, if that makes any sense. If we let the spirit guide our hands, our actions… we too can grow sensitive like the blind when they read brail. We can act as the Lord’s hands in the lives of those around us, sensitive to their needs we can serve the Lord as we serve them. It’s a special part of the gift we have in being on this earth.