Of Sunshine and Daffodils

This evening I am in a cheery mood. Usually my cheery moods are reserved for day time, so it's a peculiar evening I suppose! I guess I have a lot on my mind, and so I don't feel like going to bed, which would of course, be ever so boring.

I feel like I have so very much to be grateful for right now. For one, the semester is over and I'm finally beginning to feel free from its grasp. What could be better than that, right? Except I also get to look forward to going HOME to TEXAS and seeing my FAMILY! And those who know me, know that what that really means is taking lots of pictures... especially with my mommy and my nephews and nieces, since they're my favorite. Not much makes me happier in this world than taking [good] pictures with people that I love doing fun, happy, sun-shiney things. And if I'm lucky the sun will still exist in Texas this time of year, unlike in Rexburg!

On top of both of those wonderful things, I have a friend. It's been a really long time since I've had a friend in Rexburg that I could play with. And now, I have a friend. And she is wonderful to me, and we have long conversations and we hug, and we smile and we laugh and we cry and it's great. She is a wonderful reminder to me that God loves me individually, which is of course, another thing in my life that I am eternally grateful for... The Lord and his ever redeeming love.

Plus.... (I know, so many things, right!?) in less than a month I find out if I'm having a girl or a boy. I think that will be the point when I feel ready to start spending money on baby things. It'll feel much more real to me when I can attach a gender to the invisible, supposed "it" in my belly.

Life is on the ups.
I'm looking forward to many things, but I'm able to enjoy today as well... which is by far one of the greatest blessings we can have in life, in my opinion.

Heaven-like

On Wednesday we had our very last class of Doctrine & Covenants. The reading assignment for that day was D&C 76... which is an incredibly long section, let me just tell you. Anyway, my teacher was explaining that a lot of people out there think that we believe only Mormons get into heaven, and that we're pretty exclusive in our beliefs to think that way. However, my teacher made the point that our view of heaven allows alot more people into heaven than the traditional view.

We believe in three separate kingdoms of heaven.
The telestial -those that receive not the gospel of Christ, and do not deny the Holy Ghost
The terrestrial -those that receive not the gospel of Christ, but are honorable men
The celestial -just men made perfect through Christ

We believe that all children who die before the age of 8 make it into the highest (the Celestial) level of heaven. And those that died without the gospel but would have accepted it had they received it, and those that are baptized and go through one of the Lord's holy temples will achieve that Celestial glory. Which is where people get the idea that we think only Mormons get into heaven. But Joseph Smith said that if we could glimpse even the lowest degree of heaven (the telestial), we would kill ourselves just to get there. God loves his children and he wants us all to be happy. He loves us so much that he is willing to design a plan, where we can all attain peace and happiness, even if we don't choose to follow Him. Only those that know and fully understand the truth, and willingly choose to defy the Holy Ghost, and fight against Christ get stuck in "outer darkness", or hell.

Contrast that to the more traditional views of heaven and hell, where people who believe in Christ go to heaven, and people who don't believe in Christ go to hell.

But on another note, there was something else that stood out to me more. Verse 94, of section 76 gives a line describing those that attain the Celestial glory: "they see as they are seen, and know as they are known, having received of his fulness and of his grace"

I believe this emphasizes the importance of viewing others, and ourselves, the way Christ sees us. Christ would have us love others the way he loves them. He would have us love ourselves, and see the potential we have to do good. Imagine all the hurt and despair that would be gone from the world if we would only open our eyes to the beautiful potential of everyone within our grasp--if we did not limit ourselves or others.

People ask, how could God let this happen to me? God believes in agency. We each have the opportunity to choose for ourselves. If you think about it that way... I don't think that many of us would choose to sacrifice our freedom of choice, to be protected from bad things. Don't you think God would prefer that we all loved each other as much as he does? Don't you think he would prefer that none of us chose to hurt others? But like I pointed out, losing our agency is not worth losing all negative experiences. We're on this earth to grow, to experience sadness and joy. Would you really want to get to heaven and look back on your life and see that you never learned what sadness was? How disappointing would that be, to not understand half of the human experience? Let alone the fact, that I don't believe you can experience joy without being able to distinguish it from sadness.

I'm grateful for my experiences, no matter how much of a burden they may seem. They bless my life in ways I will forever be grateful for.

Not Yet Christmas Time

I have to admit that I have been in the mood for Christmas. I'm not super big into Halloween decorations, so my Halloween decorations looked more like Thanksgiving decorations. So now that I feel ready to redecorate, I don't have a lot to do for Thanksgiving! I've tried to keep my eyes and to see if there was anything I could buy to add to my decorations to satisfy my urge, but most of the decorations I've seen are lawn decorations. It seems a little bit early to do Christmas decorations though! Part of me says that they shouldn't go up until Thanksgiving's over, or else Thanksgiving would feel a little weird with a Christmas tree in the background... but on the other hand... Since Michael and I will be going down to Texas the week before Christmas, our time amongst our own decorations will be cut short. So maybe I should put them up early! lol. Oh, what a conundrum!

I'm starting to feel ready for Christmas. It keeps snowing! Let alone the fact that I'm probably excited because Christmas time means the semester is over, I'll be home in Texas, and I'll be with family. So obviously, it's my thing that I'm looking forward to at the moment.

Less than 2 weeks until Thanksgiving. 5 weeks until the semester's over (less if you don't count the testing days). And then just a few days later, I'll be in Texas. And then it'll be Christmas a few days after that! I'll be glad.

KONY 2012 ... NOVEMBER 17th

As children of God.. we all ought to support one another. No matter the continent we live on, or the color of our skin, or the culture we belong to in life. I would hope this would be something we could all agree on.

Cleaning

I've decided that cleaning at work seems to be slightly therapeutic for me. Not the normal cleaning, because everybody does that all the time. And no one really likes doing the normal every day clean the house kind of cleaning. But once a week I try to do some kind of deep cleaning at the office And that's the kind of cleaning I really enjoy. Making something look and feel immaculate through details other people might not normally notice. It's like my own personal fixer-upper kind of project since Michael and I currently live in an apartment and have no such freedom for such tasks. Right now the highlight in my future is getting to shampoo the carpets at work!!

Today I cleaned the hand rail at work and changed it's color by many many shades... it really was pretty gross. I went through TWO magic erasers. That should say something. And now I am highly tempted to sand the hand rail and re-stain it so it looks pretty again. I'd probably have to get permission before undertaking a project like that... but it does sound enjoyable!

I guess I've really just been in the mood for something to do that leaves me with a finished product I can admire. Not to mention the fact that everyone knows I've been in nesting mode for over two years. Now that I'm married it's all I can do not to attack my apartment with paint and nails and collections. Not to mention the ridiculous urges to start stocking toys and baby clothes I might need in the future (and no that's not some kind of announcement! hah). I just need projects to keep me busy! And I like doing things that will benefit others, even if they won't necessarily notice it. Who knows if anyone at work will notice that the hand rail is ten shades lighter than it was. But they'll feel it subconsciously when they touch the hand rail and it actually feels like wood, and not a thick layer of grime. And that's worth a smile!

Besides, work is like my home away from home since without school going on, my days generally consist of sleeping in, being at home, and then going to work. And at this point it seems everyone I know in Rexburg can be found at my work! Anyway, at this point I'm probably rambling. But that's the exciting thing currently on my mind. Cleaning!!

An Autobiography

Growing up I wanted so badly to be a writer. I couldn't tell you how many times I started writing my autobiography. I think even early on I hoped that my life would make a difference somehow. I wanted my experiences and my feelings to mean something to people. I wanted people to change after learning about my story.

Even still I think there's always been a part of me that wants to share that story. Sometimes it comes to me in short phrases. At first, I think these phrases could be a beautiful beginning to a short poem. And then when I sit down to finish the poem, I can't think of how to express the stories well enough in the confines of a poem. I can express the details in such a way to let you feel the emotions behind it. But I can't express them in such a way that you can feel every side of my emotions. If I am happy and sad at the same time, I can express one side of the coin, but not the other quite as well. And I don't think the story is complete unless you understand every emotion that was going on at the time.

Sometimes the idea of writing is liberating. But sometimes, the idea of writing feels entirely too vulnerable. I don't actually trust very many people in this world. And writing something down leaves it accessible to anyone. The idea of someone reading something very sacred to me without appreciating it.. seems devastating. I guess that's what life is about.. taking chances on people, and learning to love and trust others.

I suppose I've always been a bit prone to fear. Although I do my best to ward it off. Or rather I purposefully exit my comfort zone a lot in order to pretend that I'm not afraid. And then I fret about it for hours afterwards. Ha. I remember in elementary school, I used to write my will every night before going to bed, just in case I was kidnapped, or a tree came crashing into my bedroom. It always made me feel better knowing that I was prepared, and that my loved ones would have something of mine to remember me by.

I guess that's what we all want. We want to be remembered. We all love, and want to be loved in return. And somehow we feel safer that way. But being remembered isn't enough, not even in writing. A picture may be worth a thousand words... A picture of a close friend may even last longer than the friendship. But no friendship can be compared with a photograph. We are affected and changed by the living stories of those around us. The present means so much more than the past, no matter how we have been molded by it.

Many Blessings

The car pretty much died over the weekend. I'm not entirely sure what all was wrong with it but the hydrolics needed to be replaced, and I think the axle needed to be replaced. The symptoms we perceived were like the clutch was stuck in or something and it would randomly jerk backward even though you had it in first gear, or it would randomly jerk forward... and just lots of jerking in general. It also was making yucky sounds and it sometimes just didn't want to switch gears at all! Very problematic. So Michael took it into the shop on Saturday and that's where it's been ever since. We got a ride to church on Sunday with an old friend of Michael's who happens to be in our ward. And we've been biking to school every day. Michael has work at 4am until 7am and which isn't enough time for him to come back home and then leave again in order for us both to get to class on time at 7:45. And I decided it would be kind of weird for me to stay home when he left and then spend the morning all alone and bike my way to school all alone. So I opted to get up early and go with him to work at the morning...

So we've been leaving at about 3:40am. Once there he clocks into work, and I've just found a little bench to park myself on. It gives me time to get some homework and studying in and it places me in an environment with less distractions which has been nice. The only down sides have been that it's been colder this week... and biking at 3:40 in the morning doesn't help! So we've had to bundle up a ton in order to not freeze during our bike ride. And it also means taking more time to get anywhere. And it's limited our grocery shopping as you might imagine, ha.

This week has definitely allowed us to be more aware of the blessing that having a car really is. In a way it's been kind of nice biking to school because it makes you feel more active. And maybe we should still bike to school every now and then. But at the same time it really is just so nice to have a car. We got the car back today. And I found out yesterday that there's a girl at my work who lives just beyond our apartment complex a ways, and that she walks to and from work! Which is just crazy. So I told her when we get our car back that we'd give her a ride home from work every day. So now we can even use our car to bless the life of someone else! Anyway, that's life for now. I get to take a test in the testing center after I get home from work today. I meant to do it earlier but then I realized I had forgotten to bring my Icard, which meant I wouldn't be able to get in the testing center. So it's a good thing the testing center is open until 10pm tonight. But it's just a psychology test, so it shouldn't take me too long.

Have a good day everyone! Lots of love!

Being Married

I suppose I'll address the ever so popular question of what's it like to be married. My parents warned me beforehand that they didn't truly feel like they were married until they'd had a few kids. So even though part of me wants to say that I kind of feel married, there is a part of me that knows I probably will feel more married when there are kids in the equation. lol.

For now, Michael is my Husband. Sometimes that seems a little weird, because to me he's just My Michael. The only difference now is that, he is no longer just my Michael. He's also my husband. The two roles are intertwined, but it's an interesting mix. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but that's the way I think about it in my head. So that's that. ha.

Michael and I joke that he makes a good wife. But really, it's just that he's a wonderful husband. He does the dishes some nights when we come home, and he gets the mail and takes out the trash. Some days he cooks breakfast, and he even cleans up around the house. It's not that I don't cook or do dishes or clean too, 'cause I do. But it's just super sweet when he does it too. And he does it more than expected, which is of course, always appreciated and makes me love him more and more when I catch him doing those things.

Learning how to interact with each other and to be totally open about things is a process, as you might assume. But it's also wonderful as we take each new step toward being closer to each other. He does his best to support me with love and prayers and I try to do the same with him. I don't think I realized before we got married that I would love him more once we were married than I did before we were married. But I do. It often seems like I love him more and more with every day. Life doesn't have to be perfect and without stress for that to occur either. Because trust me, we both have stuff going on with school and work and everything. But it works out in the end. And that's what matters. Hopefully that wasn't too mushy ;)

I do hope to strive to become a better wife to Michael with every passing day

Last Week

Having Michael coming home on the 18th was a sigh of relief. I admit when we were waiting for him at the airport I was extremely anxious and there was a part of me that was desperate to run up the stairs so I would be the first to see him. I've never been so excited to see someone in my entire life. I was just so glad to be with him again and to see him, and be reminded of all the good parts of getting married... not just the baking and the planning and the budgeting parts!It's become more and more real that we're getting married with every passing day.

My parents and I went with Juli and Jonathan to the temple on Thursday. They went through a session in the baptistery while my mother and I went to the distribution center. I chose out fabrics and styles for clothing in the temple like my Temple Dress (which will need to be altered because it's currently dragging on the floor lol). My mother was grinning ear to ear the whole time. It was cute. Afterwards we went into the temple to see how they were coming along in the baptistery and one of the temple workers asked if I could get changed into the white jumpsuit and do some confirmations. And you just can't say no to a temple worker! lol. So I said sure thing, and went along with it. It was really great being able to spend some time in the temple just sitting there for a while, and being able to serve there one more time before I get married this upcoming week.

David arrived today, and it was nice to have a day just with one new addition to the group and spend time with him individually. Tomorrow is my last fairly simple day. After that it's Christmas. Family will really start arriving then, and I'm spending part of the day with Michael's family. I feel like I'm supposed to be spending as much time with my family as possible. But I'm also supposed to be spending some time with the future in-laws. It's a hard line to draw. Monday we need to get some last minute shopping in as well as dip all the hundreds of cake balls and oreo truffles we've made in the past couple weeks (boy am I so sick of making those!). And Tuesday we'll be decorating the church as well as picking various people up from the airport throughout the day before we drive up to San Antonio for the night. I still don't know how my hair is getting done. And I don't have an official "cake" to cut.
Most of the time I'm not stressed. But let's face it, that's really because I'm not thinking about what all needs to be done. I'm procrastinating and flaking on multiple accounts. Needless to say, I'm anxious to get married to Michael already and have atleast a few days to relax before a whole new round of stresses begin.

Two Weeks

Well, I have reached a point in my life where most of my conversations start with "Congratulations!" lol. I was telling my mother the other day that I'm going to be hearing that sentiment for a very long time. Let's be honest, people treat you like you just got married yesterday until you've been married for atleast a year, so I have atleast the next year to look forward to hearing "Congratulations!" lol. Not that I'm complaining, it was just a thought at the moment that spurred a conversation.

Everyone asks me how the wedding plans are going... I never really know what to say. Does anyone really want to know how many hundreds of cake balls we've made? Or how many hundreds more there are that still need to be made? lol. It's hard for me to work on something like this. Everyone who knows me well knows that I'm not much of an academic. I get things done the night before most of the time. I procrastinate. I flake. I forget. I let things slide. And it's against my own personal policy to stress. And I'm not the biggest fan of following schedules. I like making schedules, but then I like getting things done as it suits my fancy. So I don't have a big long list of things I'm going to do tomorrow necessarily, or this week, or what have you. There are things I have written down somewhere that I know need to get done. But that's about it.

I get anxious, and a little nervous. I'm definitely anxious for Michael to get home... and I'm definitely ready for all the planning to be over. I'm a doer. I like getting things done much more than I like thinking about them. I'd rather set up the whole thing in the gym, decorations and all several times than talk about them even once.

Planning a wedding certainly tells you a lot about yourself, your family, and it gives other people the chance to get to know a different side of you! I've got my first interview this Wednesday. I've got my Bridal Shower next Tuesday, and Christmas that Sunday and then my wedding the following Wednesday. Crazy, huh?

Funnily enough, part of me is aware that once school starts, there will be some part of me that wishes I was back at home still just planning a wedding. But I'm pretty sure the majority of me, will just be glad to be married, and to be with Michael.

No more waiting.
For a while that is.