Cowboy Music from the Wild East

The first time I ever wanted to travel abroad was when I was just 9 years old. I went to a small private school located in a shopping center called "The Village." In that same plaza was a movie theater that showed a lot more classic, international, and independent and old school movies rather than the current out-coming movies. I had a science teacher that year whose name was Greg. He was by far one of the greatest science teachers I have had in my life and he will forever hold a special place in my heart and in the hearts of my two closest sisters who also had him.

One week a movie called Genghis Blues came into the theater and my science teacher came into possession of some free tickets. He asked kids in my class and their parents if any of us wanted to go to see this movie. He explained the basic premise of the movie. A blind blues singer named Paul Pena while listening to the radio one day happened upon a Russian short wave radio station and heard a group of Tuvan throat singers. Paul Pena became so fascinated with this form of singing that he later learned the Tuvan language, and self taught the Tuvan style of singing. Years later he traveled to the Republic of Tuva and won the Kargyraa portion of a National Throat Singing contest.

I don't really remember my thought process at my young age of 9 years... Maybe I just thought that if Greg wanted to see it, it was obviously worth seeing... but I decided to go see this movie.

I absolutely loved the movie and have wanted to see it again ever since. I have looked into buying the movie since then, but I only found it recently, and the DVD costs $25 so I have yet to deposit the money necessary to buy the film. In the moment I left that theater though, I knew that I would forever love the Tuvan people. I had never traveled anywhere, and I knew nothing of alternate lifestyles. I had never learned of anything more intriguing to me than of the Tuvan people and their style of throat singing. For years I studied the Tuvan language, and their culture and their food in my spare time. I attempted to teach myself how to perform the act of throat singing, but never truly mastered it (although one of my brothers did, as well as that beloved science teacher, Greg). I have of course, always been intensely jealous, not that I'd necessarily be inclined to admit that.

Every now and then I try to share my love for this people and their music with people I am friends with. I am most frequently met with mocking apprehension. It hurts. I'll be honest. I know they don't realize that I am attempting to share with them, something that I hold dear to my heart... but it does still hurt sometimes to see their faces as they mock the sounds that to me are some of the most beautiful sounds in the world.

I know that Tuva, the small Autonomous Republic, wedged between Siberia and Mongolia will forever be a place my heart longs to see. Even to this day, when I hear Tuvan singing, I long for the sights, and the smells, and the tastes of Tuva.



Can you honestly tell me after watching that... that you have ever seen or heard someone sing with more fervor or passion? I see it in their faces. I feel more love for a people I have never seen, listening to them, than I could ever explain. The closest description I have ever heard was when a dear friend of mine explained to me the feelings she had when hearing the Call to Prayer in Jerusalem... although I am sure our feelings are different.

I don't know that I will ever feel closer to the world than when I listen to Tuvan singers.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsVzm-rgS-w&feature=related

My Love for A Cockatiel

Camille is going to make it. But not with me. I cried last night... I couldn't go ten minutes without crying. Ann held me for a while and let me cry with her there, and talked to me a little about it. I needed her more than anything at that moment, and she was there for me. I prayed for strength to pull through this... And I prayed for Camille to have strength.

I finally fell asleep last night... and did not dream of Camille. I dreamed of other things. And every time I woke up my mind would start to wonder to thoughts of her, and I stopped myself because I sensed that it would be best if I did not think of her just then.

I finally woke up about 4:41 and my nose was too stuffy to breathe through, so I'd been breathing through my mouth and my throat was dry. So I went downstairs to get a glass of water and to take a Mucinex. I went up stairs and crawled back into bed and fell asleep once more.

This time, I dreamed of Camille. There was some kind of big event going on, and a big scary looking man came and took our parakeets and Camille. Said we didn't need them anymore. I kept looking for that man so I could get Camille back from him. When I finally found him, all he had was two grocery bags, one in each hand.... and I knew they were my birds. I don't remember the conversation we had but I think he was going to do something to them, and I didn't want that to happen... and he ended up agreeing with my alternative. He handed me the bag with the parakeets in it, and I threw it toward a pile of rocks. That way I knew their death was certain and they were not suffering any longer. He handed me the bag that had Camille in it and I just started crying. I lifted the bag up to my eyes to look for any sign of her body to see her just one last time... and poking out through the folds of a thin piece of cloth that she was wrapped in inside the bag, was her beak. I could see it moving and I shouted for joy. I pulled and tore at the bag as it opened and I pulled out Camille. Her beak opened in her biggest smile and she chirped for me. Her wings outstretched in the most glorious way possible and she looked magnificent. She looked beautiful and strong. And my heart was full of joy.

I awoke just then with a feeling of peace in my heart. I knew when I called Brenda this morning that there wouldn't be good news, but I just know that Camille is going to live. She will finish out her magnificent life with someone else... but I will see her again.

When I talked to Brenda, she said that Camille can barely walk. The vet thinks an organ has swelled against the nerves that go to her legs. Which most likely means her liver or her kidney. But she can still fly just fine, even if she cannot land. And that tells me, she has the strength to live. She will survive any surgery that vet gives to her. She will be wonderful, and I know that she will always remember me.

Brenda put the phone next to Camille so I could talk to her one last time. I heard her weak chirp. I admit I started crying, and I might cry several more times during the day... but I will be okay. Brenda's going to take a picture of her. I'm not sure I want to see her as she is now. I might not open the email, so I can remember her the way I always have.

I'm going to do something in honor of Camille. Whether it's make a pillow and embroider something on it just for her, or write a poem, or both.... But Camille deserves anything I can do. Anything and more.

Camille

 

Many of you have met my beloved bird, Camille. Well, she's pretty sick right now and I'm in Idaho so I can't even be with her during this time. There's a good chance I might lose her.

Pray for her, keep her in your thoughts. She deserves that.
I'm praying she will get better.

Temple Square

I want to go to Temple Square one day. I know I went once with my Aunt Jesse and my mother when I was just six years old or so... because there are pictures to prove it. But I don't remember it. I don't think I've been to Salt Lake since that day. I'd love to go back one day.

Until Then

 

The very last email I got from Michael before he left included this image.
Sometimes I wonder if I've pretended for so long... if there will ever be anything but pretend. Or if there ever was. It's so hard to think of someone as being real when you don't see them. The majority of my friends have never met him. Which only perpetuates the idea that maybe he doesn't exist. My memories of Michael are perfect. I interact with guys now and I wonder if I'm comparing them to some ghost that I made up in my head while I was sleeping. That maybe I should just give into creating a relationship with someone that doesn't compare. Because it's probably not fair that I make those comparisons to begin with. How could a relationship be as good as ours was? How could things have been so perfect? Am I just starting to forget? Have I created a false memory of how it was?

Of course, I know the answers to my questions. I have inner debates with myself fairly often. Waiting is easier now than it used to be. I can barely imagine him coming back. Because it doesn't feel real. I think I really have succumbed to the idea of living life the way I do now. Atleast most of the time.

I'm convinced that seeing him again will be one of the most surreal moments of my life.

No Intent to Send

Sometimes I write letters, or emails... or even have imaginary conversations with people in my head. Because there are so often things that I wish I could say but can't. It might be because I'm not entirely sure how they would react, or maybe because I know they wouldn't react well. Maybe it's because circumstances don't allow it, or maybe I'd regret it. And there are some things I wish I could say, just to let them out. I hate having secrets. I hate having things about me that are unknown, especially to those I love.

But if they knew, they'd never think of me the same. No matter what you might say, if you knew, then every time you looked at me, or thought of me, it would pop into your head. Our relationship would be changed forever. And for that, I could never forgive myself.

There are some things you just don't say.
And some things, you just don't send.

Pictures

There's not much more that makes me happier than spending time with good friends. And right next to that, is getting pictures with those good friends. Specifically good pictures. Pictures that represent the closeness that is our friendship--pictures that represent special memories. While I enjoy taking pictures of my friends that savor their personality and who they are to me, I love pictures of my friends and I together most.

No friendship is complete without a picture that represents that friendship.
That's just how I feel.

Countries to Visit

I was talking to my friend Ann today as we were walking through the grocery store about countries we had the desire to visit. Ann mentioned that she had once written a blog about the next 10 countries she had on her list of places to visit, so I decided that I would do something similar.

So here we go...

Countries I would love to spend an extended amount of time in:
1. Ireland
2. Brazil
3. Israel
4. Australia
5. India

Countries I would love to visit:
1. Tuva (technically a Republic of Russia)
2. Egypt
3. England
4. Jamaica
5. Mexico
6. Greece
7. Tibet
8. Cuba
9. Rwanda
10. Argentina
11. Wales
12. Costa Rica
13. Puerto Rico

Emily

 

Hartman Personality Test

So I took this personality test for my homemaking class... and it's actually pretty accurate. I pretty much tied between Blue and White.. with a hint of Yellow (and absolutely no red lol).

Does that make me pale green? Haha, jk.
Judge for yourself, for accurate do you think it is?

Blues: The Do-gooders

Blues are motivated by Intimacy and without their natural talent to insist on quality and to provide service, our world would be a far less pleasant place. Blues want to connect and to be understood and appreciated. If they are not connecting with you, if they are not plugged into humanity, then what’s the point? They believe if you don’t have a sincere connection in life, then there really is no other value. Earning money, having the Mercedes, and being in the windowed office are nice but do not represent a purposeful life to a blue. Blues are very purposeful people who love to serve and give of themselves freely to nurture others' lives. They are loyal friends, employers and employees, and their personal code of ethics is very strong. They expect other people to live honest and committed lives as well. Blues are dependable, thoughtful, and analytical; but they can also be self-righteous, worry-prone, and moody. They hold on and never let go of something/someone once they are committed.

Blue Strengths: Blues are very observant and intuitive, noticing quality and detail. With their combined assets, their sense of purpose, and their ease with showing compassion, they become integral parts of every society. In fact, they become an integral part of whatever they commit themselves to doing, whether it be fundraising, raising a family, or running an entire department. Blues sense of commitment can sometimes trap them. They will often stay in a job much longer than will serve their best interest simply because they said they would. They tend to stay because they are loyal and they care about everyone with whom they connect. You can bet Blues will be the ones to refer back to the Color Code materials because they have made a commitment to learn, to become self-aware and to be their best.

Blue Limitations: Ruling by the heart can be a double-edged sword for Blues. If you don’t appreciate their gifts, they won’t give at all. This is a constant threat when in a relationship with a Blue. A common statement from Blues is, “My emotions have ruled me all my life.” Their emotions are their Achilles’ heel. They want so badly to be loved and accepted, constantly seeking understanding from others while often refusing to understand and accept themselves.
Blues remember their limitations—or what is wrong with them—more than they remember their strengths. It is inborn. Abraham Lincoln is a good example of possessing a desire to reveal insecurities. He often talked about his flaws and inadequacies as president. Yet he continues to be seen as one of the greatest presidents of our nation. Blues need to remember that the reason they have these limitations is very connected to their gifts. The reason they care so deeply is also the reason they tend to struggle more with depression. Blues must realize that the reason it is so hard for them to break off a relationship or leave a job is tied to their capacity to dedicate themselves so completely and feel so deeply about those commitments.

Whites: The Peacekeepers

Motivated by Peace, Whites will do almost anything to avoid confrontation and to create tranquility. They have a remarkable ability to understand and draw objective conclusions—they are the voice of reason, and this is their gift to us.
Whites truly believe that with patience all things come to those who wait. The problem is that they are sometimes too content with sitting around waiting. They seek contentment more than power, money or, for that matter, more than friends. They are happy having one or two good friends and one or two hobbies. In fact, they tend to have only one hobby at a time. Instead of trying to carry on with two hobbies, they will drop one to take on another. Having two is too much effort. Their only demands from life are the things that make them feel comfortable. That feeling fosters their need to feel good inside.

White Strengths: Whites are kind, considerate, patient and accepting. Unlike Blues and Reds, they are not judgmental or critical of others’ actions or behaviors. They simply accept people for who they are: the good, the bad and the ugly. They are tactful, because they don’t want to create confrontation or rock the boat too much. Not rocking the boat is also revealed in Whites through their strength to self-regulate. Controlling their own behavior is a natural strength and this precludes impulsivity. To the rest of us, they offer a clear perspective that is objective and factual. They are excellent listeners, taking what is said sequentially, understanding why it is said, what it is going to take to deal with any problematic situations, and what they can do to help. They simply hear the facts, making no judgments on what is being said. In essence, they are virtually devoid of ego. They are good at constructing thoughts that did not exist before, just from careful listening and taking time to think things through.

White Limitations: Whites don’t commonly share what they are seeing, feeling or understanding. When they have a conflict, they won’t show it. Like a duck, they are paddling violently underwater, but on the surface, they appear calm and comfortable.
Whites can be unwilling to set goals. They are generally very content with the way things are. If you try to force them to set goals, they may reply, “I don’t know where I’m going to be in a month. How can I possibly set goals?” Better yet, they will write down the goals to get you off of their back, but have no intention of following through with them. They resist working at someone else’s pace.

Even though Whites seem ambivalent about most things, they can be very self-deprecating. They are very generous when it comes to accepting others’ limitations, but will be disapproving of themselves. On the flip side, they can also become uncomfortable when receiving public praise and fanfare. People with the DCM of Peace tend to operate on a very logical basis like Reds, but move through life using their ability to reason in a milder manner than Reds. They don’t need to dominate like a Red, but will calmly offer a voice of reason that benefits everyone.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hartman_Personality_Profile#Yellows:_The_Fun_Lovers