Meant to Be

I haven't known where I was supposed to be. I ended up deciding on Rexburg because it was practical, and because it had some pros riding along with it... like it being the place where Michael will be this semester. Really though, I haven't felt very comfortable in my own skin. I haven't felt for certain that this was really where I was supposed to be. Going to Kenya still weighs heavily on my mind and I feel such a strong pull to go.

But for now at least... I can tell you that Rexburg is where I need to be. I can't really explain it to you. It's been a collective of small things. Things like the fact that my ward here is the Rexburg YSA 2nd ward.... and my home ward in Texas used to be the Austin 2nd ward before its name changed. I know it seems silly, but it seems like a small little message to me that for now this can be home.

I don't know how long I'm supposed to be here... I don't know how long this is supposed to be home. Part of me still feels like I'll find a job, save up some money, and still find a way to get to Kenya this semester. I feel like my whole life revolves around finding a way to get myself to Kenya. I wish I could explain it.

I just have this image in my mind of that orphanage I was accepted to volunteer at... and the children there. I love them already and I haven't even met them yet.

Roommates

My roommate Courtney gave me an idea today. She did this unknowingly, but that's besides the point. On the fridge, she has made a list of all the roommates she's had in the last year. It's a pretty impressive list for only one year, I must admit. But I decided that making a list wasn't a bad idea. Especially taking my memory into account. It'd be a sad day if I forgot any... even the ones I'd prefer to forget! ;)

List of Roommates (Italicized ones I had for multiple semesters)

Amy - my Texan buddy

Dana - Quirky Virginian

Lyndsey - Nightmare!

Ariel - The peacemaker

Rebecca - Left a week later

Marianne - Always sleepy, or always gone

Jacqueline - Paranoid but friendly

Brittney - Funny and engaged! 

Ann - My London and Jerusalem lover

Kelsey - Sassy and lovely!

Colby - My honorary roommate!

Lauren - Late night security gone sk8r ;)

Cambria - Always gone with a boy

Rachel - Boy crazy... GONE crazy

Hayley - Waiting for a missionary

Karissa - Nice BUTT Lady! 

Krystal - No germophobe here; always calmed me down

Krysta - A young swing dancer

Jennie - Let's clean them dishes!

Rebecca - Wild and out of control! (In a good way!)

Brynn - Looking for a boy

Courtney - my Charmed companion

Megan - The hip English teacher

Rexburg

I'm back in Rexburg. Have been for a few days now. Went on a boating/camping trip with my new ward this weekend and it was really fun. I think it will prove to be a good ward. Certainly different than any other singles ward I've been to in Idaho, but it'll be good. I already have a nickname: "Del Taco" or "Taco Time" depending on who you ask. There's a girl in the ward named Kaitlyn, and everyone thinks we look like twins. Most people in the ward spent most of the weekend trying to tell the two of us apart. And her nickname is Taco Bell, so of course my nickname had to be related.

I'm different now than I used to be. I don't know if anyone really sees it. But something just clicked in me. I can't stop thinking about Kenya. Every time I see one of those ads about starving African children, I can't help but wish I was there. The feeling reminds me of colorguard... but stronger. Once you join colorguard, it's always in your blood. Always. You see an object and you size it up... and you wonder where it's center of balance is. Where would be the best place for you to place your hand to begin spinning it. Doesn't matter if it's a flag, a rifle, a sabre, or a broom stick. It's there. You want to spin things. It's in your heart. Always. Even if you let it go, as something you do all the time... it's still there in the heart. It changes you. And wanting to go to Kenya changed me. I can't explain it really. But I really do want to go.

I'm sitting here in Rexburg, and I'm so glad to be back. Rexburg has come to feel like home to me. I am home when I come to Rexburg. I realize that especially now that I've spent a summer in Provo. Somewhere that was neither Texas, or Idaho. It wasn't home. I enjoyed my time in Provo, don't get me wrong... but it will never feel like home the way Austin and Rexburg do to me.

And yet, even while I'm here--home--in Rexburg... something still isn't sitting right. I'll feel better once Michael gets here I know. But part of me still wants to know if I'm really meant to be here in Rexburg right now. I can tell my whole heart's not in it right now. And maybe that will change once Michael gets here, and I get a job, and begin to get into the habits of every day living again... but maybe it won't until I'm able to do whatever it is I'm supposed to do. I really only have two things on my mind. And one of them, is Kenya.

A Selfish Time

Living in student wards, something you hear a lot from people is how hard it is to be selfless and to devote time to serving others... Because your single years are "a pretty selfish time" while you're working on getting an education for yourself and find a spouse and whatever else single people think will some day make their life be better. But I could not disagree more.

I understand the concept that when you get married you are tied down a little more and restricted in the kind of adventures you can have, at least for while. And I understand the concept of making sure to live your life to the fullest so you won't have regrets when you get married. And maybe there's a thin line between living out your dreams for the here and now, and being selfish... But like I said... it's vague and thin line.

Saying that the stage of life you are currently in requires you to be selfish is in my opinion purely an excuse. And getting in the habit of making such an excuse will only enable you to further the habit the rest of your life. It means you view serving as some kind of burden, when really... the idea of service should not be a burden at all. It should be a part of who you are. What would this world be like, if we all could drop what we were doing when someone needed our service to them?

Charity brings forth service and service brings people closer in a way that you could never understand if charity and service weren't part of your very nature. Understanding what service can do for a relationship will allow your heart to yearn for the very opportunity to serve.

I want so badly to forget myself; to lose myself in a work greater than myself and to build relationships through service. I simply cannot get my desire to go to Kenya out of my mind. I find myself devising more and more possible plans to make it happen. I want to go so badly it makes me want to cry. And I don't think anyone understands that, or even why I want and possibly need to go.

I've battled this question of selfishness. Would it be selfish of me to go to Kenya? But at the same time, my mind says... how could it be? Is it not a righteous desire, to want to give my life in service of a people in need, for as long as I can afford to be there? One of my friends asked me recently... If I don't go to Kenya... is it something I will look back on, and forever regret? And honestly, I think the answer is yes.

I'm fully aware that not everyone can devote the resources or time to give their life to service on a long term basis... but in the end it's all about making service part of who you are. It's about wanting to serve. It's about being willing to devote time to service. It doesn't matter what stage of life you are in. There is no such things as "a selfish time in life." I don't understand how anyone could ever think that our Heavenly Father had it in his plan for us to take a break from being charitable. We're supposed to be growing to be like him all the time. Obviously, we should always be doing our best. And our best may change depending on our present circumstances, and how self reliant we are or how mentally stable we are... but the perspective I think we should all have... is a goal to do our best, all the time to serve, to love, and put others before our own problems.