Heroes

In life, a lot of people seem to cross our path only to never be seen again. Some times we may even be able to anticipate which people in our lives may not be permanent fixtures. And yet, we come to love them and respect them, and often look up to them.

This is a concept that I have often accepted and often struggled with. I myself have received the warning or guidance that I would be put in the position many times in my life to be able to positively touch the lives of those I come in contact with. But I have often felt sad receiving the warning that those people would not become permanent fixtures in my life... that I would only be able to touch them briefly. Because usually, the people whose lives I am aware of having touched, are people who I have come to love very deeply and it is always sad to see them go.

And yet there are probably a hundred people whose lives each of us have touched, and we were completely oblivious to doing it. And there are people who I have thought, they will never know how much they changed my life. And I know that in ten years they probably won't remember me at all, while I will still be feeling grateful for the change they helped to trigger in my life. And sometimes I wish you could hammer into people's heads just how much their actions meant.

I don't really know why I'm writing on this subject tonight, to be honest. Only that it kept coming to my mind and I felt uneasy going to bed without writing it out first. I usually feel uncomfortable when people tell me they are impressed with me in anyway. It feels weird to be praised for things that in a lot of ways are outside of my control. How I respond to what life gives me is within my control of course, but still. And I know that most people feel that way. I used to try really hard to hammer into people's heads just how amazing they were. But it's hard when people can't or won't receive it. And I don't blame them since I'm the same way. Guess it gives me perspective for how people have felt when they were the ones trying to hammer something into my head about myself, ha.

Lately I have been nearly overwhelmed with feelings of adoration for someone I know is going through something really hard. And while I know there's always two sides of a story.. the side you feel inside, and the side you portray to the world... I just feel such a deep respect for the bravery and faith I have been able to witness even from my limited perspective. That's always a hard compliment to give people because I know the immediate response is likely, ha, thanks, but I'm not brave, I'm terrified inside. Or don't call me faithful, because my heart has been overwhelmed with doubt. Even if that's not what they say out loud when responding to you on the matter. And I know how that feels when people compliment you on things that make you feel weak. But even our weaknesses can be strengths to other people. Even our weaknesses can buoy others up when they are feeling just as hopeless. Because no matter how we feel inside, it is our actions that matter most. How we choose to act is what means something to other people, not how scared we were when we did it. And I wish I could adequately portray those feelings.

Heroes aren't perfect. And heroes are rarely the stuff of legend. They aren't always beautiful or strong by the world's standards. And heroes rarely see themselves as heroes.

But, to the person who was friends with me when no one else was, the person who truly listened when no one else did, to the person who loved me when I couldn't love myself, to the person who encouraged me to seek help, to the person who made me want to be better, to the person who accepted me when I was afraid you wouldn't, to the person who held me when I needed to cry, to the person who respected me and taught me what real friendship looked like, to the person who believed me when others didn't, to the person who helped me when I thought I was beyond helping, to the person who made the effort to make it obvious they wanted to be my friend when I was feeling anxiety, to the person who brought me something seemingly small and insignificant when I was feeling forgotten, to the person who smiled through their trials and thanked God despite them, to the person who shared their story with me and helped me feel not so alone, to the person who helped me navigate a difficult trial, to the person who always responds to my texts/emails, to the person who offered to be there for me despite barely knowing me, to the person who let me be 100% me, to the person who forgave me for shutting them out, to the person who made me promise not to hurt myself, to the person who let me serve and pamper them without complaining about it, to the person that kept me going to church when I wanted to quit, to the person who forgave me when I screwed up, to the Savior who died for me that I might live with Him again...

You are my heroes. You are the reason I have grown into who I am today. And no matter how brief the interaction... I am thankful to you for what you did for me. And I wish I could properly express how much you have meant.

I also know that sometimes we deny people the opportunity to be our heroes. We stubbornly tell people we're fine, or that we don't need help when really... what we need feels so silly or weird to ask for, or we feel like we need to do things by ourselves to be successful... When really we just need to let them in. Give them the blessing of being allowed to serve you. Because I know that there have been times in my life when my ability to serve others was the greatest happiness I had ever known.