Time Out

Ironically, my husband and I are terrible at going on dates. For the most part, we really value our time with our kids, and we don’t usually feel like we need time away from them to be together. Or at least we don’t often think being away from them is worth the money and hassle that sometimes would go into going on dates! And we should probably be better at going on dates...

HOWEVER, we try really hard to support each other in getting the necessary time away from the house, or even in the house, but alone. I’m happy when he takes the time he needs to go play PokemonGo, or go running because it means he is filling his self care bucket that helps him be mentally sane the rest of the days and weeks and hours. Or when he wants to go to the grocery store because he’s been sitting at a desk all day and wants to get out of the house after work even if it is just to go buy milk and eggs. Well, I mean, I really couldn’t complain about THAT, now could I!? 😉 Sometimes on the weekend he takes a nap, and that means keeping the kids entertained to allow daddy a little peace. And sometimes he spends a day off from work playing video games with his brother. And that’s okay.

Because sometimes he deals with all the tooth brushing and last night potty runs and drinks of water and good night kisses and puts all the kids to bed without me because I have gone to an Addiction Recovery Meeting, or to hang out with a friend, or have gone to the grocery store, or fell asleep super early because I have work that night that will keep me up for hours, and I just need a little power nap first. That’s tonight, I fell asleep on the couch, and I’m just now waking up. And in a little while I will sit down to work for a few hours. Some mornings I don’t wake up to the children or the babies, he does, and he’ll take the baby downstairs, sometimes give her a bottle so mommy can keep sleeping. He often makes breakfasts for the kids too for that matter. 

Time with our kids is great. And we try to schedule one on one time with each of them every now and then too. But one on one time with ourselves is so important for us. I am so grateful that he is so willing to help me make time to go out and spend time for myself. And honestly, we both probably still need to schedule a little more time for ourselves. Because it is so good for our sanity!

Poppin Pills

Have you ever watched a TV show where there was a person with schizophrenia who just stopped taking their meds? They had issues, started taking meds, and the meds worked GREAT! But then at some point, they quit taking them and things spiral out of control again. I don’t know about you but there’s a part of me that has wondered, if the person knows that they are well controlled with the drugs, why would they ever stop taking them? How does that happen, why is that even an issue that they would just stop? Why would they want to?

Lately I’ve been thinking about my own relationship with meds and I feel like I finally have answers to those questions. 

When I take my antidepressants, I sometimes struggle with the daily reminder that something is wrong with me. The fact that I need to take these meds means that I have issues. Which, in reality, I know is fine. We’ve all got issues, who cares. Right? Logically I can talk myself down from that little ledge. It’s just a daily nag that sometimes gets old and I’d like to pretend isn’t there by avoiding/“forgetting” the meds.

But the problem is, I’m pretty sure the drugs actually work. At least most of the time. I am a nicer, less grumpy, more loving and patient, less anxious, happier person when I’m on the meds. But then after I’ve been taking the meds successfully for a while and things are going well, I tend to think “hey, I’m fine, I don’t have issues! I don’t need meds!” And so then I try to quit taking them to prove to myself that I’m all fine now. And at first things seem fine, until they’re not fine, and I regret not taking the meds, but then I’m right back to feeling that annoying nagging feeling with every pill, that something is wrong with me. That, and by then I need to see my doctor to get a refill on my prescription which gives me anxiety and so I’d rather avoid the issue so I don’t have to go see the doctor. I also have issues with feeling bad for the monetary expense every time I refill the prescription. So there’s that.

Or on a slightly different subject.. birth control pills. I hate taking them. I resent them 🤷‍♀️ Every day is a reminder that taking them means that sex will not bring me a baby. I don’t like that. I don’t think I can adequately explain in a blog post why I feel that way, but it just makes me sad. Logically? I don’t need another kid right now. But it still just makes me sad. Which means I’m not always excellent at taking them because I have avoidance issues. Which means they might not work all that well anyway… sooooo why bother taking them right? 😂 No judgement y’all. I’m not saying I’m being smart. Just admitting the way it is. This is why I have every intention of going in to get the shot version that lasts for 3 months, so I don’t have to think about the pill every day. But then… calling to make the appointment with the doctor gives me anxiety so…. Avoidance. Procrastination. Also, the last time I got one of those shots I bled nonstop for like 2 months, so there’s that. No, I don’t need recommendations for all the other wonderful forms of birth control. Unfortunately because my history of having had a Pulmonary Embolism (blood clot in my lungs), I’m not allowed to take any form of birth control that has estrogen. Which excludes a LOT of birth control options. And I’m not mentally prepared to consider an IUD yet. So, I just need to suck it up.

Regardless… it just finally made sense. I understand why someone who knows the pills work, would just stop taking them. I can relate. Regardless of the function of the pills. And obviously there are even more reasons why someone might stop, no matter how many reasons there are to start the pills. Our brains just aren’t always rational. We don’t always make choices according to what is logical. We’re just people, trying to endure to the end, and make the best of it. People, trying to deal with impulses and thoughts and feelings. And we all deal with them differently. Of course some of you out there are far more logical than I am, and part of you is reeling at my lack of logic in these feelings. But even the most logical people, can be irrational sometimes, in some things. 

Power Diminished #MormonAndGay

 Four years ago I posted a blog about being Mormon and gay. For some reason that blog comes to mind every year around this same time of year, even when Facebook doesn't remind me. I went back this year and was reading some of the conversations I had with people after writing this blog. During that time I learned that were a group of people who had a conversation about my blog, and that they criticized why I would post something like that on Facebook and why I would "make it a big deal." Ironically, my blog specified the exact reason "why" I felt it was important to share. 

"Secrets have power, and that power diminishes when they are shared, so they are best kept secret and kept well. Sharing secrets, real secrets, with even one other person, will change them." - Erin Morgenstern

I shared for that exact reason. I felt like keeping it a secret was giving it power over my life, and I needed to change that, and change it fast. Sharing it did exactly that. The power diminished, the secret, once shared, was changed, and that was exactly what I needed. 

Someone recently mentioned my blog and promised to keep it private because they didn't want to "out me." I told them there was no such need. When I wrote it, I knew it would be public. That means it's available to be shared whether I'm aware of it or not. It means there are people who know even if I don't know that they know. It also means that people I've met in the last 4 years since writing that blog might not know because they don't know the blog exists, and I don't feel the need to talk about it very often. And that doesn't bother me. Nobody needs to know this fact about me to feel like they "know me." Because it is not a singularly defining feature. I am many things, and no one person knows everything about anyone anyway. I cannot be "outed" because the fact is already out there whether people know it or not. I don't care if people find out, because it's just me. 

Sharing did exactly what I hoped it would. My life is no longer controlled by my attractions to the same sex. My life is instead centered around my family and my goals, and trying and failing to keep the house clean, and trying to find a house, paying the bills, and other perfectly ordinary things. And the fact that I experience same sex attraction seems equally ordinary, and is just sitting in a pile of other ordinary things, instead of being the noose around my neck. That’s not to say it’s not a trial, just like plenty of other ordinary things. It just does not control my life.

I hope to teach my children that no secret is worth the power you give it to control your life by keeping it.