Poppin Pills

Have you ever watched a TV show where there was a person with schizophrenia who just stopped taking their meds? They had issues, started taking meds, and the meds worked GREAT! But then at some point, they quit taking them and things spiral out of control again. I don’t know about you but there’s a part of me that has wondered, if the person knows that they are well controlled with the drugs, why would they ever stop taking them? How does that happen, why is that even an issue that they would just stop? Why would they want to?

Lately I’ve been thinking about my own relationship with meds and I feel like I finally have answers to those questions. 

When I take my antidepressants, I sometimes struggle with the daily reminder that something is wrong with me. The fact that I need to take these meds means that I have issues. Which, in reality, I know is fine. We’ve all got issues, who cares. Right? Logically I can talk myself down from that little ledge. It’s just a daily nag that sometimes gets old and I’d like to pretend isn’t there by avoiding/“forgetting” the meds.

But the problem is, I’m pretty sure the drugs actually work. At least most of the time. I am a nicer, less grumpy, more loving and patient, less anxious, happier person when I’m on the meds. But then after I’ve been taking the meds successfully for a while and things are going well, I tend to think “hey, I’m fine, I don’t have issues! I don’t need meds!” And so then I try to quit taking them to prove to myself that I’m all fine now. And at first things seem fine, until they’re not fine, and I regret not taking the meds, but then I’m right back to feeling that annoying nagging feeling with every pill, that something is wrong with me. That, and by then I need to see my doctor to get a refill on my prescription which gives me anxiety and so I’d rather avoid the issue so I don’t have to go see the doctor. I also have issues with feeling bad for the monetary expense every time I refill the prescription. So there’s that.

Or on a slightly different subject.. birth control pills. I hate taking them. I resent them 🤷‍♀️ Every day is a reminder that taking them means that sex will not bring me a baby. I don’t like that. I don’t think I can adequately explain in a blog post why I feel that way, but it just makes me sad. Logically? I don’t need another kid right now. But it still just makes me sad. Which means I’m not always excellent at taking them because I have avoidance issues. Which means they might not work all that well anyway… sooooo why bother taking them right? 😂 No judgement y’all. I’m not saying I’m being smart. Just admitting the way it is. This is why I have every intention of going in to get the shot version that lasts for 3 months, so I don’t have to think about the pill every day. But then… calling to make the appointment with the doctor gives me anxiety so…. Avoidance. Procrastination. Also, the last time I got one of those shots I bled nonstop for like 2 months, so there’s that. No, I don’t need recommendations for all the other wonderful forms of birth control. Unfortunately because my history of having had a Pulmonary Embolism (blood clot in my lungs), I’m not allowed to take any form of birth control that has estrogen. Which excludes a LOT of birth control options. And I’m not mentally prepared to consider an IUD yet. So, I just need to suck it up.

Regardless… it just finally made sense. I understand why someone who knows the pills work, would just stop taking them. I can relate. Regardless of the function of the pills. And obviously there are even more reasons why someone might stop, no matter how many reasons there are to start the pills. Our brains just aren’t always rational. We don’t always make choices according to what is logical. We’re just people, trying to endure to the end, and make the best of it. People, trying to deal with impulses and thoughts and feelings. And we all deal with them differently. Of course some of you out there are far more logical than I am, and part of you is reeling at my lack of logic in these feelings. But even the most logical people, can be irrational sometimes, in some things.