I am not the "perfect Mormon." I never have been. Although I've had some short moments in life where I felt like I came close. The last week or two, I have had a verse of an old girls camp song keep coming to my head that I think introduces this topic well.
"We are the Mormon girls,
We wear our hair in curls.
We love to sing dance and have a lot of fun
WOO!
We are the biggest flirts,
We don't wear mini-skirts.
Oh how we love our Mormon boys!
WOO!"
Now, it should be said that this song probably first came into existence back in the 70's (although this is an updated version of the lyrics) and was probably written by teenagers. But this song lightly touches on a few of the stereotypes that are sometimes presented regarding women in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Perfectly coiffed, multi-talented singers, dancers, married young, modestly dressed, and only willing to date/marry men who also belong to the same church.
For a more entertaining and extensive "list" of stereotypes that exist within the church of LDS women, I highly recommend checking out the poem, "The Girl in a Whirl" Without spoiling the ending of the poem, I think it highlights the impossibility of the task of doing EVERYTHING. I don't think this is something wholly unique to the LDS Church. I think similar issues of expecting perfection of women exist in society at large. Just think of the typical 1950's woman of television. Leave it to Beaver's Mom. The house is always clean, smells of fresh baked bread and cookies, dinner is always on the table at 5pm, perfectly nutritionally balanced lunches are packed for each kid each day with a loving motivational note to boot, their children are perfectly behaved and smartly dressed, and of course highly accomplished. I could go on. In today's society that list sometimes ALSO includes working a full time job and STILL MANAGING to do everything else that was already on the list. Make that 1950's mom a Mormon, and you just take all that and add in things like daily scripture study individually and with the family, 2-3 prayers a day, doing regular community service within the church and without, and various other checklist items.
I can't tell you the number of women who look at that list to reach "perfection" and just immediately know that they do not, cannot and will not ever measure up to that ideal. Sometimes its hard not to feel like the only option is to give up trying. And in all honesty? The answer IS to stop trying. The answer is to stop expecting perfection.
We focus a lot in the Church, on the idea of trying to reach perfection. Trying to become like Jesus Christ. What we sometimes forget is that to goal is to TRY, which does not make us failures if we don't succeed. And it's hard not to feel like a lifetime of trying without ever reaching the goal of perfection constitutes a failure. I admit I'm guilty of it. I totally am.
One of my favorite scriptures is Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8;22. I won't quote the whole thing here, but I'll quote the first and last verse.
1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven
22. Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?
Maybe I will NEVER be able to do all of those things on the long list toward perfection all at the same time. Maybe I will NEVER do everything on the list even. Maybe MY list looks different than YOUR list. In all honesty, most of the things on the list of being the "perfect Molly Mormon" don't even matter. The real list is pretty short. In my opinion, the real list is almost entirely limited to developing compassion and Christ-like charity. And some of us may need to check A LOT of items off the imaginary checklist of tasks before we learn that level of love. Some people may never check off most of those items, and yet still be better at serving and loving their neighbor than that "perfect Molly" you see at church.
Maybe we can throw the checklist away. Throw away the list of expectations for how people should act and dress and spend their time. Maybe we can throw away the shame of not measuring up. Maybe we can forget that yesterday was less than perfect, and instead focus on the fact that today we can do something good. Maybe we throw away yesterday's goal and today we make a new one. Maybe we can throw away the idea that giving up on yesterday's goal makes us a failure. Maybe yesterday's goal was the goal I NEEDED yesterday. But maybe I don't need that goal today. Maybe today a different focus is needed to help me progress. Maybe we can stop comparing ourselves to other people. Maybe we can stop judging for ourselves whether or not someone else is succeeding at their goals. Maybe we can learn to rejoice in our own successes.
I've been the person on the receiving end of compliments regarding my faith, my perceived "perfection." We forget just how little we witness of people's lives, and make comments about people we know so little about. I have doubts. I have been the liar, the manipulator, the cheater, the thief, the used, and the user, lazy, angry, close-minded, insecure, anxious, callous, condescending, petulant, vindictive, vain, pessimistic, unforgiving, disorganized, irresponsible, clingy, vulgar, negligent... and so many other things. I have been lost and afraid, I have been found and confident. And I'm sure I will fluctuate across the spectrum of "perfection" many more times in my life. I have had faith, and I have had doubts. As do we all.
Someone recently said to me "It is totally fine to say, 'My relationship with God is complicated, has been complicated, and will continue to be so.'" Religion is the hospital where we come, broken, to find healing. And each of us have our own broken bones and cuts. Our wounds are not better or worse, they are only unique. And how we experience life is unique. My negative attributes do not cancel out my good ones any more than my good ones negate my bad attributes. Each of us are simply people, dynamic and complex. Cultural expectations for the menial day-to-day aspects of life do little to bring us closer to growth.
Throw away the picture of perfection. Build your own castle, flaws and all, it will be something to rejoice in, because it is yours, and you worked hard to build it. Your flaws will become beautiful as you build on them to make something uniquely you. And Christ rejoices in watching you be built up into the King or Queen you have inside.
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