Anxiety Unpacked

I've been thinking about this blog for months. I was convinced it was the next blog I'd write for a long time, but other things popped up that were time sensitive and it just didn't happen. 

I don't know when I accepted that I had anxiety. Sometime in my married years. But looking back I know it's gone on for so much longer. I still remember re-playing interactions in my head on repeat all the way back to middle school, being able to logically recognize that the moment was small, and the other person had probably already forgotten about it, and yet I felt obsessively stuck on replaying the moment when I said something mildly awkward or something, unable to let it go. 

Here's my thing with anxiety. When I talk to people about anxiety, the definition always seems to be that anxiety = worry. People with anxiety worry all the time. That's simply not accurate. They don't understand why people struggle with anxiety, because they are wise enough to choose not to worry about that which they can't control, and everyone else should just learn that skill. Oh people, if you only knew. I have strict policies not to worry about that which I can't control. I rarely do. I don't believe in stressing out about things. I avoid stress like the plague because the times in my life when I have had long-term unescapable stress, are the times that I have struggled with regular panic attacks. I ain't got the time nor patience nor sanity reserves to deal with that. 

In middle school, I remember getting a whole bunch of reports back from teachers complaining that I was having a hard time focusing, and I was acting more hyperactive than normal. The interesting thing about that, was that I had already started taking ADHD medications, and they had helped! So why were the teachers reporting that I was acting ADHD again? Well, in middle school is also when I was diagnosed with a chronic thyroid disorder called Graves Disease. Guess what one of the symptoms is? Anxiety. When that finally clicked in my brain as an adult, my mind was blown. I finally even got to a point when I was able to recognize that if I was having troubles with anxiety, perhaps it was time to get my blood drawn to see if my thyroid was acting up. Trouble always was that my anxiety has manifested differently at every age and stage in my life, which sometimes makes it more difficult to recognize. 

So I'll tell you what anxiety looks like for me at this stage of my life, and it's not a strict "anxiety = worry" scenario. It's also not an "all of the below" scenario either. Sometimes its one symptom or two. Sometimes it's a dozen, or all. It depends.

Anxiety for me looks like:

Indecisiveness
Body shakes
Upset stomach
Tense jaw
Feeling irritable
Avoidance of situations/responsibilities (no matter how non-stressful the situation would normally feel)
Difficulty concentrating
Difficulty remembering
Feeling "on edge"
Feeling guilty despite having done nothing wrong
Feeling emotionally clingy
Apathy
Sense of dread (when there's nothing to dread)

Low self esteem / overly sensitive to criticism
Tendency to Addictive behaviors
Intrusive unwanted thoughts / images
Obsessive behaviors

Racing thoughts

Inability to sit still

Touch avoidance

Fear of judgement

Feeling compelled to overshare

And probably other symptoms. As a child I believe anxiety also included the PTSD-like flashbacks and nightmares that plagued me for many years. There was a period of my life when I couldn't fall asleep without writing a goodbye note to my family and friends every night before bed. It wasn't that I really truly thought I was going to be kidnapped or would die that night. I just couldn't let go of the feeling that I might be, until I had written about it. Rationally it felt ridiculous to write an almost carbon copy letter every night, telling myself, I could just keep the one I had written the night before. But that just didn't cut it. I suffered from insomnia because I was so afraid of going to sleep and did not want to dream. If the anxiety goes on for an extended period of time, it may trigger my depression, and those symptoms, which I won't get into right now. And if it goes on even longer, then it can begin to trigger panic attacks. That for me, has looked like:

Increased heart rate

Sweating

Hyperventilation

Shortness of breath

Trembling

Fear of large spaces

Fear of small spaces

Sense of doom

And any number of heightened symptoms from general anxiety

I had a whole summer when I couldn't attend the second or third hour of church because it was all I could do to sit through sacrament. By the time sacrament was over, I felt totally panicked and unable to breathe. I would find a dark room and just sit and breathe for the next two hours before going home. I personally have no issues with large groups or large spaces. But my anxiety, when it is triggered, does. But that it is not who I am.

I share this not to invoke pity, because I don't need it. I say it to highlight that anxiety is not something I bring upon myself. I don't sit and worry about things. Even when my brain is being overloaded with repetitive thoughts of worry, it is separate from what I actually think and believe. I can rationally believe that nothing bad is going to happen, no, that person doesn't hate me, I can tell myself it's no big deal to make that phone call, or send that email... it is something outside of myself, something separate from my personality and who I am without the anxiety that drives me to think about things I wouldn't choose to worry about myself. It is natural to worry about that big test coming up. It's natural to feel anxiety after getting that phone call to give a public speech. But generalized anxiety is separate. It is not a choice. It is not me. It makes me worry about things I don't even care about. 

I know this won't be enough to convince some people that people with anxiety aren't just simply people who worry too much about things... But maybe it sheds some light into the differences between the two.

 

Immutable

Someone asked me once how I separate my belief that God loves me, from the fact that I also believe that God does not want me to marry a woman and live a gay lifestyle. How do I believe both of those things? I suppose the question to me, morphs to how can I believe God loves me but also let’s people I love die? How do I believe God loves me even though he didn’t help me get that job or thing I wanted? How do I believe God loves me even though he didn’t stop me from getting abused? To me it comes down to the fact that I also believe that people have agency. And because God loves us, he allows each of us that gift of agency. If he stopped bad things from happening all the time, then our agency would be limited. We wouldn’t be capable of making the really bad decisions, and the regret that follows, the lessons that follow. Not that I’m trying to say that being gay is a choice we make, because I’m not. I tried “choosing” and I tried the whole praying not to be gay thing, and yet here I am, clearly acknowledging the feelings still exist. 

Because we are not puppets for God to play with. We are unique individuals with our own traits. I do not believe God gave us every desire in our hearts, or every thought in our heads, or every talent we possess. He merely created our spiritual bodies that allowed our intelligence a place to reside and prepare for the physical bodies we have now. He can try to influence us with his spirit, and we have the power to listen and to shape ourselves to match that influence or not. I would not think him a kind and loving God if he would willingly cut away parts of who I am to force me to be like him. He gives me choice. That freedom to choose is more beautiful and more important than any bad thing that can come our way because of the choices of others. The decision to live the gay lifestyle or not is a choice. And there are things I have learned both from my desire to be with women, and from my choice not to be. And I am grateful for that choice. I know I could have gone either way, God would have “let” me no matter who it hurt in the process. That freedom to make my own choice is a unique kind of power over my life that is healing to me. I also believe that had I chosen differently, had I chosen to date that girl, not get married, or even later, to leave my marriage, despite whatever destruction that choice might or might not have caused to my family and loved ones, I still know that God would love me, independent from my choices. 

If God can love me independent from my choices, I believe in turn it’s my responsibility to love him independent from how much I struggle with his teachings. Honestly there are other things that I struggle with far more than not acting on my sexual preferences. And that makes me feel weak. And sometimes, dare I say, I even feel angry or hurt. I hear instructions from our prophet that we need to have a strong foundation of faith, and my mind jumps to my doubts and my frustrations and my failings and I worry that I lack the foundation necessary. And that makes me feel worried and guilty. But I try to focus on the fact that I do not believe it to be God’s responsibility to cater his teachings to my feelings or my opinions. And if I believe God speaks the truth, then it is my responsibility to seek that truth and understand that truth, and to fake it until I make it if I don’t understand those truths. And the belief that there is immutable truth out there, is sacred. And deserves the chance to be sought out and understood no matter how fierce the sting of that truth may be. Immutable truth does not bend to anyone’s will. God wishes joy and peace for each of us, yet that does not give him the power to change immutable truth either. There is a plan, and it must be followed. People die, people get hurt, and not all of our desires naturally line up with God’s. And that’s not going to change. So all that remains are the choices that we make.

What's wrong with “Real Christians”

Lately I’ve been driving past a billboard that says “Real Christians love their enemies.” And the phrase has stuck with me ever since the first time I saw it. To me this phrase is instantly thought provoking. My initial reaction was sort of to agree, but also, something just felt wrong about it. So I’ve decided I’m going to break down all the reasons I disagree with this sentiment.

First off, the phrase “Real Christians” feels so very oppositional. Like people who call themselves Christians yet fail at the call to love their enemies should be ashamed. You are a charlatan, you’re not really a Christian, you are a sinner… all seem to be embedded in this phrase. To an extent it almost feels a little high and mighty, like a subtle claim that people who aren’t Christian don’t or cannot love their enemies. But that feels like a bit of a stretch, and it’s certainly not accurate.

Next, I’d like to address the concept of “enemies.” This depends greatly on how these “enemies” have been defined. Did I decide they are my enemy? Or did they decide they are my enemy? If I decided to label someone my enemy… that in and of itself doesn’t feel very “loving.” However, if someone else has labeled us enemies, then sure, the call is out there, in the Bible, for Christians to love their enemies. But what does that mean? 

Now we’ve got to go back to the term “love” and unpack that. What does it mean to love someone? I love my husband and I love my children and I love my mother and I love my friends, right? But how I show my love for each of those people is different. And rightfully so. So let’s pull out a quick Greek lesson, because the Greeks are so great, they even have different words for different types of love. Don’t we wish we had that? 

Eros (passionate love)

Philia (love of friends and equals)

Storge (love of parents for children)

Agape (love of mankind)

(For a more in depth look at these, and other Greek words for love, Psychology Today has a good article on it that also makes for a fun quick introduction if you’re interested) 

But, clearly we’re not being called to passionately love our neighbors. And clearly we’re not expected to be friends with everyone. I can’t even meet “everyone” to learn their name! And clearly we can’t love everyone like we do our kids. So we’re left with love of mankind. What does that look like? I want to very clearly point out that it is different from Philia. Agape is not the same way we love our friends and family. To me, what makes Philia unique is the foundation of trust that is embedded. And any expectation for me to love (and trust) a stranger the same way I love (and trust) someone I know and have built a foundation of trust with is simply unrealistic. More simply, agape is concern for the welfare of others, without any expectation of self benefit. However, I think it should run deeper than just “I don’t wish for that person to die.” It is wishing for that person to reach their full potential, wanting for everyone to live a full life, full of self improvement and joy. While it is certainly more realistic than expecting me to feel any of the other types of love toward strangers, it is certainly not without challenges. And I do think it is something that has to be strived for, it is not just born out of circumstance. Obviously a lot more could be said on this topic but I’m not sure I’m fully qualified to unpack all of that right now (or ever).

My next issue with the phrase “Real Christians love their enemies.” Is that it is almost an ultimatum. If at this very moment, you do not love your enemy, then you cannot be a real Christian. That’s a big fat no for me. Maybe if we could amend that statement to include the possibility for growth like adding the word “TRY.” We should all be TRYING to love our enemies. But being imperfect in this moment does not and should not negate our desire to TRY to be better. But people are imperfect and always will be, and to expect anything else is naïve. 

Also, I think an important aspect of trying to love our enemies, is often the fact that we must exercise forgiveness. While almost being off the topic, I want to discuss the topic of forgiveness for just a moment. When people tell other people that they should forgive someone, I think we often jump to the idea that we should return to loving them the same way we did before. Despite what happened, you should go back to being friends? Loving them the same as when you were friends? That’s a big fat no. Remember when I said a big part of “Philia” love to me, was trust? Once the trust is broken, it has to be earned back. Which in all honesty is not always possible. So what does forgiveness look like? It means letting go of the anger you feel. And in the long run, I believe it means at least returning to feeling “agape” love for that person. You wish them no harm, you want what’s best for them in their life, but that doesn’t mean you want a relationship with them. Because a relationship requires trust. And I’ll say this simply, LOVE AND TRUST ARE NOT THE SAME THING. I could write a whole separate blog on that subject and maybe one day I will, but for now..  I can be asked to love someone, without being expected to trust them. Also, while it may be the goal, and we have surely been commanded to forgive people, NO ONE has the right to declare any kind of timeline for how long it should take me to forgive someone. It took me years to fully forgive the people who sexually abused me as a kid. And I can honestly say at this point that I wish them no harm, I harbor no anger toward them, and I wish them all the best. But the timeline in which that happened was unique to me, and choices I made. And still, it does not mean that if they were to re-enter my life right now that I would welcome them back with open arms with full trust. And I do not believe Heavenly Father would ask me to do so. Because He knows that love and trust are not the same thing. Can I briefly point out that Heavenly Father, who LOVES us all equally, does not TRUST us all equally? He has not given all of us the responsibility of recording scripture or being prophets etc… and yet, that does not diminish his love for us. So I’ll say it again, LOVE AND TRUST ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

While we’re at it, can I point out that Heavenly Father is literally our spiritual “father” and therefore the love he feels for us would be “storge.” By definition, we cannot love everyone the SAME way that He loves everyone because I am nor will I ever be everyone’s momma! Also, while Christ may not be our “father,” if you checked out the Psychology Today article, you’ll remember that it specifies that storge love is most applicable to young children or rather, dependents. You could argue that because of the atonement of Christ, we are all dependent on him, and therefore he loves us with that same “storge” love. So no, I cannot be exactly like Christ today and love everyone the way he loves them. But I can still aim for that same selfless desire for everyone to find true joy and to reach their potential the way he does. I can aim to “love” everyone but never in this life will it be exactly the same way that he loves them. And that is okay.

In summary, language matters. Words matter. And overgeneralized statements about large groups of people (or just overgeneralized statements in general regardless of the population of the group) are by definition inaccurate. I decided a long time ago that it was important for me to be very careful with my words especially when it comes to love or hatred. You will never hear me say that I “hate” someone. Because I believe it should be impossible to “hate people.” Because we are all Children of God, and therefore full of potential goodness and worthy of love. However, I CAN hate people’s choices. People will always be Children of God. People may have made bad choices yesterday and make good choices tomorrow. It is my job to believe that they are capable of those good choices. It is my job to wish for them to make those good choices. It is not my job to expect good choices 100% of the time from everyone. It is not my job to trust everyone to make those good choices. It is my job to do my best to make my own good choices.

Love others. And do your best today, regardless of your mistakes yesterday. That’s the goal to me. And as a lovely little end thought, here is a good quote from Nelson Mandela that I heard recently that seems to tie in and sum this up nicely:

“I’m no saint, that is — unless you think a saint is a sinner who keeps trying.”