Immutable

Someone asked me once how I separate my belief that God loves me, from the fact that I also believe that God does not want me to marry a woman and live a gay lifestyle. How do I believe both of those things? I suppose the question to me, morphs to how can I believe God loves me but also let’s people I love die? How do I believe God loves me even though he didn’t help me get that job or thing I wanted? How do I believe God loves me even though he didn’t stop me from getting abused? To me it comes down to the fact that I also believe that people have agency. And because God loves us, he allows each of us that gift of agency. If he stopped bad things from happening all the time, then our agency would be limited. We wouldn’t be capable of making the really bad decisions, and the regret that follows, the lessons that follow. Not that I’m trying to say that being gay is a choice we make, because I’m not. I tried “choosing” and I tried the whole praying not to be gay thing, and yet here I am, clearly acknowledging the feelings still exist. 

Because we are not puppets for God to play with. We are unique individuals with our own traits. I do not believe God gave us every desire in our hearts, or every thought in our heads, or every talent we possess. He merely created our spiritual bodies that allowed our intelligence a place to reside and prepare for the physical bodies we have now. He can try to influence us with his spirit, and we have the power to listen and to shape ourselves to match that influence or not. I would not think him a kind and loving God if he would willingly cut away parts of who I am to force me to be like him. He gives me choice. That freedom to choose is more beautiful and more important than any bad thing that can come our way because of the choices of others. The decision to live the gay lifestyle or not is a choice. And there are things I have learned both from my desire to be with women, and from my choice not to be. And I am grateful for that choice. I know I could have gone either way, God would have “let” me no matter who it hurt in the process. That freedom to make my own choice is a unique kind of power over my life that is healing to me. I also believe that had I chosen differently, had I chosen to date that girl, not get married, or even later, to leave my marriage, despite whatever destruction that choice might or might not have caused to my family and loved ones, I still know that God would love me, independent from my choices. 

If God can love me independent from my choices, I believe in turn it’s my responsibility to love him independent from how much I struggle with his teachings. Honestly there are other things that I struggle with far more than not acting on my sexual preferences. And that makes me feel weak. And sometimes, dare I say, I even feel angry or hurt. I hear instructions from our prophet that we need to have a strong foundation of faith, and my mind jumps to my doubts and my frustrations and my failings and I worry that I lack the foundation necessary. And that makes me feel worried and guilty. But I try to focus on the fact that I do not believe it to be God’s responsibility to cater his teachings to my feelings or my opinions. And if I believe God speaks the truth, then it is my responsibility to seek that truth and understand that truth, and to fake it until I make it if I don’t understand those truths. And the belief that there is immutable truth out there, is sacred. And deserves the chance to be sought out and understood no matter how fierce the sting of that truth may be. Immutable truth does not bend to anyone’s will. God wishes joy and peace for each of us, yet that does not give him the power to change immutable truth either. There is a plan, and it must be followed. People die, people get hurt, and not all of our desires naturally line up with God’s. And that’s not going to change. So all that remains are the choices that we make.