Anxiety Unpacked

I've been thinking about this blog for months. I was convinced it was the next blog I'd write for a long time, but other things popped up that were time sensitive and it just didn't happen. 

I don't know when I accepted that I had anxiety. Sometime in my married years. But looking back I know it's gone on for so much longer. I still remember re-playing interactions in my head on repeat all the way back to middle school, being able to logically recognize that the moment was small, and the other person had probably already forgotten about it, and yet I felt obsessively stuck on replaying the moment when I said something mildly awkward or something, unable to let it go. 

Here's my thing with anxiety. When I talk to people about anxiety, the definition always seems to be that anxiety = worry. People with anxiety worry all the time. That's simply not accurate. They don't understand why people struggle with anxiety, because they are wise enough to choose not to worry about that which they can't control, and everyone else should just learn that skill. Oh people, if you only knew. I have strict policies not to worry about that which I can't control. I rarely do. I don't believe in stressing out about things. I avoid stress like the plague because the times in my life when I have had long-term unescapable stress, are the times that I have struggled with regular panic attacks. I ain't got the time nor patience nor sanity reserves to deal with that. 

In middle school, I remember getting a whole bunch of reports back from teachers complaining that I was having a hard time focusing, and I was acting more hyperactive than normal. The interesting thing about that, was that I had already started taking ADHD medications, and they had helped! So why were the teachers reporting that I was acting ADHD again? Well, in middle school is also when I was diagnosed with a chronic thyroid disorder called Graves Disease. Guess what one of the symptoms is? Anxiety. When that finally clicked in my brain as an adult, my mind was blown. I finally even got to a point when I was able to recognize that if I was having troubles with anxiety, perhaps it was time to get my blood drawn to see if my thyroid was acting up. Trouble always was that my anxiety has manifested differently at every age and stage in my life, which sometimes makes it more difficult to recognize. 

So I'll tell you what anxiety looks like for me at this stage of my life, and it's not a strict "anxiety = worry" scenario. It's also not an "all of the below" scenario either. Sometimes its one symptom or two. Sometimes it's a dozen, or all. It depends.

Anxiety for me looks like:

Indecisiveness
Body shakes
Upset stomach
Tense jaw
Feeling irritable
Avoidance of situations/responsibilities (no matter how non-stressful the situation would normally feel)
Difficulty concentrating
Difficulty remembering
Feeling "on edge"
Feeling guilty despite having done nothing wrong
Feeling emotionally clingy
Apathy
Sense of dread (when there's nothing to dread)

Low self esteem / overly sensitive to criticism
Tendency to Addictive behaviors
Intrusive unwanted thoughts / images
Obsessive behaviors

Racing thoughts

Inability to sit still

Touch avoidance

Fear of judgement

Feeling compelled to overshare

And probably other symptoms. As a child I believe anxiety also included the PTSD-like flashbacks and nightmares that plagued me for many years. There was a period of my life when I couldn't fall asleep without writing a goodbye note to my family and friends every night before bed. It wasn't that I really truly thought I was going to be kidnapped or would die that night. I just couldn't let go of the feeling that I might be, until I had written about it. Rationally it felt ridiculous to write an almost carbon copy letter every night, telling myself, I could just keep the one I had written the night before. But that just didn't cut it. I suffered from insomnia because I was so afraid of going to sleep and did not want to dream. If the anxiety goes on for an extended period of time, it may trigger my depression, and those symptoms, which I won't get into right now. And if it goes on even longer, then it can begin to trigger panic attacks. That for me, has looked like:

Increased heart rate

Sweating

Hyperventilation

Shortness of breath

Trembling

Fear of large spaces

Fear of small spaces

Sense of doom

And any number of heightened symptoms from general anxiety

I had a whole summer when I couldn't attend the second or third hour of church because it was all I could do to sit through sacrament. By the time sacrament was over, I felt totally panicked and unable to breathe. I would find a dark room and just sit and breathe for the next two hours before going home. I personally have no issues with large groups or large spaces. But my anxiety, when it is triggered, does. But that it is not who I am.

I share this not to invoke pity, because I don't need it. I say it to highlight that anxiety is not something I bring upon myself. I don't sit and worry about things. Even when my brain is being overloaded with repetitive thoughts of worry, it is separate from what I actually think and believe. I can rationally believe that nothing bad is going to happen, no, that person doesn't hate me, I can tell myself it's no big deal to make that phone call, or send that email... it is something outside of myself, something separate from my personality and who I am without the anxiety that drives me to think about things I wouldn't choose to worry about myself. It is natural to worry about that big test coming up. It's natural to feel anxiety after getting that phone call to give a public speech. But generalized anxiety is separate. It is not a choice. It is not me. It makes me worry about things I don't even care about. 

I know this won't be enough to convince some people that people with anxiety aren't just simply people who worry too much about things... But maybe it sheds some light into the differences between the two.