I recently observed a conversation where someone openly, and more importantly, unabashedly shared that they take antidepressants. I can’t exactly describe what about the moment was meaningful, but everything about that moment was seared into my memory. Their facial expression and the tone of their voice when they said it, and their apparent no-nonsense, calm and relaxed and confident attitude. A sense of gratitude even. There’s some adjectives missing there but I’m not sure what. But it was a wonderful moment. And maybe it didn’t mean anything for that person, but I hope it served as an equally important moment for other people observing this moment. I think that example of being unashamed is one that people need.
But what strikes me the most about this ties in well with a quote I came across the other day that was actually regarding the process of coming out as gay. It was along the lines of “it’s less about ‘coming out’ and more about letting people in.” And that rang really true for me. When I have shared personal details about my life with people, from abuse to indiscretions, to my sexuality, to religious doubts, its always been less about getting the information out there, and more about letting people past the walls to have hopes of a genuine relationship.
I think one of the best things we can do for ourselves is to be unashamedly ourselves. I say that and yet I also know I have been called out for being too blunt. Certainly there is always room for growth and improvement while in that endeavor, but I just think that we can acknowledge we have flaws that could be improved, without being ashamed of them.
I remember someone talking once about how they have multiple versions of themselves. Work-them versus church-them versus them-when-they-hang-out-with-Susie versus them-when-they-hang-out-with-Jane etc. I remember thinking that it sounded exhausting. And sure, while there are varying levels of depth with any one relationship… “the people I only talk about work with” versus “the people I make awkward small-talk with” versus “the people I have genuine conversations with” I hope it’s always still just the same old me every time. (Granted, there’s some wiggle room here. Because obviously some people bring out different aspects of our personalities more than others. But I think that’s less about controlling what side of ourselves people see, and more about being naturally amplified. If that makes sense.)
But there are few things as powerful as when you know you are witnessing one of those moments where people are “coming out” —or rather, are letting people in. I can’t think of very many things that make me feel as honored, as when I’m able to be in one of those moments with other people.
I had an experience once where I ran into a couple from church at a fast-food place. They sat down with me for a while and we chatted. I sort of knew the wife from church but had not publicly spent any time with the husband. That sounds awkward. And it was a little awkward. I knew the husband because we both attended the same addiction recovery program. Even if it wasn’t personal, he and I had both witnessed moments with each other of “coming out” or “letting people in.” Those raw, vulnerable sort of moments. But it meant that he felt safe being unabashedly himself with me. Which very clearly made the wife wonder what was going on, and what kind of secret history he and I might have had because that was not normal for him with someone he “didn’t know”. And officially he “didn’t know me.” I messaged her privately immediately after this encounter to share that I attended ARP because I knew he wasn’t going to tell her where he knew me, due to the whole anonymity of the program and all. And I didn’t want her feeling uncomfortable about the encounter. She immediately understood, and it relieved all the awkward tension lol. Interestingly enough, it also made it easier for the wife to be unabashedly herself with me too after that I think. Although she also wasn’t a very “abashed” type to begin with.
But isn’t that an interesting phenomenon to note? Even though he and I had never really spoken one-on-one before, we could be genuine with each other because we had a shared history of being genuine. Just seems like one of those things that if we all “came out” a little more often, we could help others amplify their ability to “come out” too. And we’d all have a bigger pool of people that we let in—if we all created a shared history of being unashamedly ourselves.
No comments:
Post a Comment