“Pray Away the Gay”

Someone asked me the other day if I thought anyone has ever received a “cure” for being gay by praying for it to be so. I said probably not. Or at least not in the way people traditionally think. And I hope to explain better.

I think in reality that’s a hard question to answer. Obviously it’s a big wide world, and how different people perceive the idea of a “cure” obviously varies widely. When I first tackled the subject of my sexuality as a teenager, I certainly tried the “pray away the gay” approach. And there was a time when I would have told you it worked. But what I eventually realized was that what praying about it did for me, was begin to take away the anxiety that surrounded it. I say begin because I certainly made more progress with that in later years. I’m sure I still have progress to make.

My experience went something like this. I prayed about it. It didn’t go away. I prayed some more, it didn’t go away. So I studied, and I read talks and scriptures and I prayed some more. And I eventually came to the conclusion that God loved me as I was, and if he could love me as I was, I should be able to love me as I was too. 

And when I came to that realization, it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. And I thought, “my prayer has been answered.” Because the weight was gone. But what was the weight? Was the weight feeling attracted to women, or was the weight how it made me question God’s love for me, and therefore my own love for myself? The prayer that was answered was that I felt loved again. I felt whole again. I felt at peace. And I could stop stressing and thinking about only one thing. I could be a whole person again with ten different things on my plate to think about without obsessing over any one aspect. 

The next logical question in this discussion, is whether God is even capable of “curing” how a gay person feels. Obviously everyone would answer this question differently. And I obviously don’t seek to offend.. I guess my first step in discussing this would be to define the word “cure.”

Traditionally we think of a cure as being a solution to a problem. Something that restores a person to the peak of health. Something that makes you normal again. 

So the fact that we talk about this in the context of homosexuality means that being gay is defined as a problem, something that deteriorates “health” or normalcy.

Well, what is homosexuality? A love and attraction for the same sex, yes? I don’t think that’s the problem. I mean, realistically, we’ve been commanded to “love” everyone, right? So what is the problem? I suppose the problem forms when you face making the decision as to whether or not to act on those feelings. In reality it’s only a “problem” when how you feel encourages you to act contrary to your values. So whether or not you view this as a problem depends on your values. So what is the “cure” in this scenario then? If feeling love and attraction isn’t the problem, but wanting to act on it is? With that perspective, a “cure” would not actually be a change in who I am or how I feel, but rather a change in whether or not I want to act on it. Right? I know that’s not a perfect answer for a lot of people.

The person I was discussing this with expressed the concern for what it would mean if God COULD “cure” homosexuality. Would a loving and just God willingly change who you are? What about agency? What about identity? 

I am personally of the camp that God cannot change who we are, or what we think. Nor would he even if he could. However, I think he can help us feel things that lead us to understanding. I think he can help us find meaning in the circumstances around us that lead us to new perspectives. I think he is a teacher and a guide that enables us to better discover and experience things for ourselves. I also think he can buoy us with strength when we feel ill equipped for the task at hand. But he does not force change we are unable to abide by. 

Someone said something interesting at church last Sunday regarding the commandment to “Be ye therefore perfect.” Replace the word “perfect” with the word “whole.” Through Christ we can be made “whole.” Now, when you think of being made perfect, you think of erasing all the mistakes and bad things so that the end result can be perfect. But when you think of the word “whole,” you don’t actually think of taking anything away. You think of adding to it, in order to make it perfectly whole again. And honestly, does something have to be perfect or rather cookie-cutter in order to be “whole”? I would say no. So then, the question becomes, how can we be added to, to make us whole if we don’t assume that aspects of ourselves need to be removed in order to be like Him? I think it’s a lot more wholesome to be reminded that there is more we can add to ourselves, instead of trying to think of what parts of ourselves should be removed to be “cured” of our perceived “imperfections.”

For me, I might say the “cure” was learning to love myself. And not just learning to love my gay self, but learning to love lots of aspects of myself. I remembered that I am not just a few parts. There are many parts to who I am, and all of them are needed to make me a whole, rounded human being. I could say so many things on this subject here that I fear I am oversimplifying and neglecting the various sides of this coin.

But I just wanted to say that being gay is not a disease that needs to be cured. It is not a problem that needs to be fixed. And praying for a “cure” to any trial is more likely to lead to an improved self understanding and a new perspective than a removal of what we are experiencing. Regardless of what the trial may be.