Balancing Genuine

One of the hardest things I find to balance is being genuine while also not over-sharing to the point of being annoying. This is my fear. 

I talk a lot about my anxiety and depression and struggles with same-sex attraction, or childhood trauma, struggles with church, or what have you. I talk about it on my blog. But I don’t talk a whole lot about it in person. People that see me and interact with me on a weekly basis at some point interact with me while I’m feeling anxious or triggered on some subject or another. But that fact usually goes unnoticed because I chat and I smile and things are normal. Inside my head they may not be but on the outside they’re normal. It’s not that I’m unwilling to talk about it, it just doesn’t usually feel like the right thing to say.

Sometimes I worry that when people find out after the fact that I did not feel on the inside what they were reading on my face, that this will alter the perception people have that I am genuine. That’s not my intention. I just know that my brain is overactive a lot of the time and while yes it feels more genuine to acknowledge that, 9 times out of 10 the setting doesn’t lend itself to that type of conversation and it’s not necessarily a conversation that needs to be had. And I fully acknowledge that what is going on inside my head is entirely my responsibility and it is nobody’s job to fix it but me. I don’t want talking about it to make people think that I need them to fix me. I also don’t want to be the negative Nancy that you tire of.

And it’s not like I’m incapable of other emotions while I’m also dealing with other things. For the most part what people read on my face is the emotion that’s the most relevant for the context I’m in whether there’s underlying things happening at the same time or not. And I think everyone can relate to that.. Or at least I’m pretty sure ;)

So how do I reconcile the two things? Being genuine and also not over sharing to the point that people are tired of all the negative… I don’t know. Sometimes it’s just acknowledging “I feel anxious today.” I’m not saying a whole conversation needs to be had, I’m just saying, this is me today. I come as I am. And then things can go the same way they would have gone had I not said anything. But I feel like I’m letting people in, and being genuine. 

Sometimes it’s saying “okay” when people ask “how are you?” because the answer is not “great” but I’m also not feeling “bad.” Although sometimes that question is tricky. “How are you?” can easily be a positive answer because I’m with YOU and therefore things are good. But “How have you been?” is usually the harder one to answer.

Sometimes, it’s writing a blog. Obviously I could choose to experience all the things and never talk about them. But I also remember how damaging it was when I felt like I couldn’t say anything. Writing lets me say what’s in my head without having to wait for the perfect context. But it serves multiple purposes. It helps me put things in words that I otherwise wouldn’t know how to talk about. It helps me let people in that I otherwise wouldn’t. It helps me process and deal with my emotions and thoughts. And I hope it makes things that aren’t talked about feel a little less taboo. And maybe it helps people know how to talk about some things too. It releases the lid from the bottle so I don’t explode. In some ways, writing is also to make me feel less alone. 

There’s not a perfect answer here. And I will likely keep struggling to find that balance and keep worrying that I’ve opened my mouth a little too wide and said a little too much. But I suppose the growth is in the struggle.