Trauma Language

I came across a meme a week or so back that was talking about the bond between trauma survivors. I've never put it into words quite as succinctly before, but what it said was this:

"One reason why trauma survivors often bond with each other so profoundly--which is different from a "trauma bond"-- is because people who've been through certain things "speak" a different emotional language than the rest of humanity.... and we recognize that "language" when we hear it." 

-Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle            

The reason why this stood out to me was because only a couple months back I was having a conversation with my husband about the fact that I often struggle to make friends with people who don't have trauma in their past. Whereas I often almost instantly connect with people who do have trauma in their past. It comes easier anyway. I also don't deal with the same anxiety when making new friendships with people who have had trauma versus when attempting to make friends with people who have not. It feels difficult to connect, and I sometimes end up feeling like the relationship is unbalanced. That's not to say that I can't or don't have wholesome relationships with people who haven't experienced trauma. I have some wonderful friendships with people who have led trauma-free lives, my husband included. I'm merely noting a pattern in my life, and there are some who break from that pattern. It just normally takes longer. 

I also want to point out that I have no intention of defining what "trauma" entails, because that looks very different for different people. And trauma is trauma. I don't believe in grading or ranking it. But I like this idea of a unique "language" so to speak because it puts into words something I've thought a lot about before in the past. Although I think... maybe people are capable of learning this language if they care enough to do so. Let me share with you a brief story.

There is a moment that sticks out in my mind very clearly. A friend from work, many years ago said something to me that acknowledged that I had been abused as a child. This wouldn't be all that peculiar, nor do I take any issue with that acknowledgement... except, I had never talked to her about it and there was no reason for her to have known. We had never even hung out outside of work. To make this statement about me so boldly when in truth, we hardly knew each other at all was.... bold and unexpected. After acknowledging she was right, I asked her how she knew. Her response has always stuck out to me.

"Compassion and understanding only come from experience. You are too loving to not have been hurt. People who have been hurt deeply, love deeper" 

Realistically, I've always thought that beyond that, she must have had a gift for observation. A radar for the abused. And on hearing her response, I instantly knew that she herself had experienced trauma, because I have only ever been analyzed that quickly before by people who have that shared experience... But also, part of me has always disagreed with that statement. It didn't sit right. I have found people who have led trauma-free lives who have deep compassion for others. I don't believe that having compassion first necessitates experiencing trauma. It seems to me that what she was recognizing, was not necessarily that I loved deeper or had more compassion, but that I spoke her emotional language. All my life I have found people who have experienced trauma. It has often felt like a sort of innate radar or magnetism. And on multiple occasions, people have come to me to talk about their trauma without even knowing anything about my history. And this idea, that perhaps they recognized a different emotional "language" without even knowing it, and therefore felt safe to share themselves with me, which in turn helped us connect... makes sense. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say "People who have been hurt deeply, love differently."

That said, I am very grateful for the people who have allowed me to develop deep relationships with them, regardless of whatever personal history they may or may not have. It is easy to recognize when someone loves you deeply rather than just casually, in passing, when convenient. And few things are more comforting, to me, than feeling free to be vulnerable.. Freedom to say the things I’m thinking even when they have weight, to ask the questions I’m pondering, even knowing they might provoke a vulnerable moment on either your or my part. Feeling safe to cry. That feels like love. That feels like safety. The trust that they love you as much as you love them is an unquantifiable treasure.

Crossed Paths

I remember in college, feeling very sad that I kept making friends with amazing, sweet, compassionate people. The issue was not the friends that I was making, but rather in that these relationships never seemed to last. I came to the realization that I was often put in the lives of those around me, because I was needed. But as soon as the reason for being needed ended, the relationships seemed to fade every time. Once people no longer need me, they stop seeking me out as a friend. That made me sad. It made me feel disposable. In some ways it made me want to give up on making friends or caring about people. You could say I have some mild abandonment issues ;)

Now, to provide a little backdrop, in my church, members have the option, if desired, to receive a blessing from a priesthood Patriarch, that provides personalized revelation and insight for your life. This blessing is written down and recorded for posterity so that you can reference it for guidance and comfort throughout your life. It's considered sacred and personal, and you're encouraged to keep it private. This isn't because it contains big secrets or anything like that. To me, the reason for that is because you are the only one that is primarily entitled to receive revelation for your own life, and allowing others to read it gives them the opportunity to interpret guidance only you are meant to interpret and apply to your life. That ability to interpret and apply your patriarchal blessing to your life comes as you listen to promptings from the Holy Ghost. And sometimes I can read a line, and get something out of it, but read it again years later and take something entirely different from it. And that's okay because I needed different guidance at different times. So keep that in mind as I share this next part.

Reading through my patriarchal blessing in college, I came across several lines that mentioned my friends and acquaintances, and those stood out at the time of course, because I was feeling sad about friends. One specific phrase regarding these friends and acquaintances was that they would "cross [my] path" which stood out, and put the ensuing lines about my ability to affect their lives into context. In reality, it's not like this felt like new information. As I already said, I had realized that I was put into people's lives for a reason. In some ways it made me feel even more sad, because it felt like further acknowledgement that people would continue to only "cross" my life, and not stay in it. You might say I'm putting too much stock into a single phrase, but it's how I felt at the time, and you can't argue with how I felt. But eventually I came to the conclusion that I would take solace in being able to be an instrument for good, no matter the timeline. And that I couldn't allow the length of time that people stayed in my life to cheapen the worth of having them at all. 

And so, when prompted to love people, I love fast, and I love hard if they'll let me (and if prompted), because I never know how long I'll be able to love them for and I can't waste what time I have. Now, granted, I get to love them as long as I want, whether they still need me to or not. And that love is still there, should they decide that they need me again. And I want those people to feel certain in my willingness to be there for them in any way I can. Every now and then it still means that I feel a little sad when I make a new friend, and there's a grieving process that happens, because it's hard not to feel like I'm "waiting for the other shoe to drop," wondering how long it will be before they'll stop needing me. 

But time and time again, I take solace in Ecclesiastes 3:1, 

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven

There will always be value in loving others, and being there for people in their time of need, and allowing people to love you in your own times of need, regardless of the length of the season. There is value to having purpose in people's lives. And the lessons you learn from those people last a lifetime. And the memories you hold onto can last a lifetime too. And you never know when you might find someone that will stay in your life, and not just cross your path. And we simply can't live life waiting for the other shoe to drop, or worried about what tomorrow will bring. All we can do, is live and love today to the best of our ability.

Sex

Not the first time I’ve broached this subject really, but let’s take another stab for fun. I will do my best to do this respectfully while honoring the intimate privacy of the subject.. but also, bluntly. My opinions are influenced by my religious upbringing, and my life experiences for that matter, but also, my opinions are my own, and we’re allowed to disagree, but I believe there is value for some people in knowing these opinions exist. 

What is the purpose of sex? Obviously there’s more than one way to answer this question. Functionally of course, sex has the ability to make babies. But beyond that, in my opinion, sex serves the purpose of helping spouses grow closer together. You learn to be vulnerable. You learn to feel safe being vulnerable with that person. You trust. You learn to communicate. You learn to communicate even when you feel vulnerable. You learn to seek out the other person’s wants and needs. You learn to express your own wants and needs. You learn to put their needs before your own. You learn it’s okay to expect them to care about your wants and needs. You learn to compromise. You learn to be patient. You learn how to set boundaries. You learn to say yes. You learn to say no. You learn to accept no for an answer. You learn to say please. You learn to say thank you. You learn to agree and you learn to disagree. You try new things together. You fail together. You succeed together. You laugh together. You experience pleasure together. You experience disappointment and hurt together. You learn there are some things as husband and wife that are yours and yours alone. Life happens and it’s not perfect, and you may fight and you may cry and you may dance and you may leap for joy… And afterwards, sex is there for the apologies, for the healing, for the celebrations.

Does this mean that sex happens more often than the 5 times I’ve been pregnant? Yes, yes it does. 

Does this mean that my husband is entitled to my body just because he’s my husband, or because it’s Valentine’s Day or because it’s his birthday, or what have you? Nope, no it does not.

Does this mean that sex should be used as a manipulative weapon to be given and taken away to control my spouse? Nope, no it does not.

Does this mean it’s okay to try new things beyond the standard “missionary position”? Yes, yes it does. 

Does this mean that it’s okay to enjoy sex as often as your personal preferences and life allow? Yes, yes it does. 

Does this mean that we should allow taboo to dictate what is and is not okay within your sex life? No. I would say no it does not. What happens in your sex life should be determined between you and your spouse, and what you both feel comfortable with. But what is considered taboo should not be the deciding factor.

Does this mean that both parties should be able to expect pleasure from their sexual encounters? Yes, yes it does. There’s a natural give and take when it comes to sex. And while it may not always be equal, you need to find balance. Any relationship where one person is always giving or always taking but not vice versa is destined to have its problems. Find balance. 

Does this mean that you should feel free to discuss your sex life with friends / family / neighbors and acquaintances? No, it does not. However, can I put a big caveat here? I believe you should feel free to discuss your sex life with others in so far as you believe it will have a positive impact on either your relationship with your spouse, or the other person’s relationship with their spouse. Those should be the only goals. This should be done carefully, with respect to all parties, and unsolicited advice / information should generally be avoided… but while sex is a partnered activity, we are still individuals. And it is important that we are able to communicate with people when it’s needed. Friends have helped me learn to communicate better with my spouse, and there have been moments when I have felt prompted to share things from my sex life with others to help them on their own journey. There were no graphic details. Nothing crude. No disrespect… just the best intentions to help a friend. And that is wholesome and good.

I hope my friends know that I aim to be a safe person to come to when they have vulnerable or taboo things they wish they could discuss. 

I was once told that “Sex is like a fine wine, it gets better with age.” I don’t really think age has a whole lot to do with it, although some arguments could be made there. Really, it comes down to time. Because it takes time to learn all those lessons that we can learn through that sexy time with our spouse. And even when we think we’ve learned something… there’s usually still room for improvement. 

There’s so much more that could be said here. And perhaps if I’ve failed to include something critical, there can be a follow up post in the future ;)

Loving Flaws

I miss my Addiction Recovery meetings. I miss the convenience of having them close by. I miss the weekly reminder to work on myself. I miss the weekly reminder that I’m not alone. I miss the weekly reminder that even though I sin differently than others, I can still heal like others. I miss the privilege of watching people grow and change for the better. I miss the light in the faces of those feeling buoyed by repentance and the atonement. I think that’s what I miss most. It’s one thing you can’t duplicate on a tiny little zoom call on your phone. The spirit you feel as someone enters the room with the biggest smile on their face because they made it. They’re here to talk about their success this week. Or maybe they’re not. Maybe they’re here to talk about how they screwed up or how things are still hard. But it doesn’t matter because they’re here, and there is peace in that because they know they’re in a room full of people who love and respect them despite everything they’ve done. Sometimes they're even nervous to be there. But you feel a sort of pride for their bravery in coming anyway.

That’s my experience with the Addiction Recovery Program at least. Although it can take some time going before it feels that way. Sometimes you have to learn to love yourself in order to love others. And sometimes you have to learn to love others in order to love yourself. Even surrounded by people whose last names you don’t know, you come to love everyone there. And not only that, but usually you come to love these people knowing almost exclusively just their flaws. You don’t know how good they are at speaking or writing or playing the piano, or whether they’re the president of their class at church, or whether they cook well, or if they’re good at serving others, good with children, or a loving spouse. You don’t know almost any of it. You know they have addictions. You know they struggle. You know they’re trying. You know they failed last week, but they want to try harder this week. But they’re not sure they’ll be any better this week than last. You know they hurt people. You know they betrayed someone. You know they hurt themselves. You know they want to believe in Christ. You know they can be selfish, you know they have lied, you know they have manipulated people, you know they have been unkind, you know they lack self control… But despite all the flaws you know about them, one thing remains in the forefront. They are trying. And sometimes trying looks like failing. But they are trying. 

Sometimes they screw up again because sometimes it feels like the pressure to be better, or the pressure to never mess up again is too much. Sometimes we listen to the little voice on our shoulder that is telling you that you’re not enough, that you never will be, that this is all you’re capable of… and you stop believing you can be any better, and all you’re good for is making the same mistakes. So you fall into the trap of doing it again, or not making any changes, even if it makes things worse. Even if it hurts people or yourself. Again. Because you get stuck in your head. Stuck in the feeling that screwing up makes you “less than.” And you are nothing more than that.

But that's why I love the group. Because you look around at all the other people who have made mistakes. You look around at all the people you have come to love despite all their flaws. 

And you realize that if you are capable of loving them despite their flaws, that other people are capable of loving you despite your flaws. You realize it's okay if people love you. You realize that you deserve to be loved despite your flaws. It's okay to love yourself despite your flaws. And as you learn to love yourself, you become better at loving other people in your life. 

And the cycle continues. 

And you keep repeating the steps. 

And you remember that healing isn't linear,

And imperfection, is the human condition.