Loving Flaws

I miss my Addiction Recovery meetings. I miss the convenience of having them close by. I miss the weekly reminder to work on myself. I miss the weekly reminder that I’m not alone. I miss the weekly reminder that even though I sin differently than others, I can still heal like others. I miss the privilege of watching people grow and change for the better. I miss the light in the faces of those feeling buoyed by repentance and the atonement. I think that’s what I miss most. It’s one thing you can’t duplicate on a tiny little zoom call on your phone. The spirit you feel as someone enters the room with the biggest smile on their face because they made it. They’re here to talk about their success this week. Or maybe they’re not. Maybe they’re here to talk about how they screwed up or how things are still hard. But it doesn’t matter because they’re here, and there is peace in that because they know they’re in a room full of people who love and respect them despite everything they’ve done. Sometimes they're even nervous to be there. But you feel a sort of pride for their bravery in coming anyway.

That’s my experience with the Addiction Recovery Program at least. Although it can take some time going before it feels that way. Sometimes you have to learn to love yourself in order to love others. And sometimes you have to learn to love others in order to love yourself. Even surrounded by people whose last names you don’t know, you come to love everyone there. And not only that, but usually you come to love these people knowing almost exclusively just their flaws. You don’t know how good they are at speaking or writing or playing the piano, or whether they’re the president of their class at church, or whether they cook well, or if they’re good at serving others, good with children, or a loving spouse. You don’t know almost any of it. You know they have addictions. You know they struggle. You know they’re trying. You know they failed last week, but they want to try harder this week. But they’re not sure they’ll be any better this week than last. You know they hurt people. You know they betrayed someone. You know they hurt themselves. You know they want to believe in Christ. You know they can be selfish, you know they have lied, you know they have manipulated people, you know they have been unkind, you know they lack self control… But despite all the flaws you know about them, one thing remains in the forefront. They are trying. And sometimes trying looks like failing. But they are trying. 

Sometimes they screw up again because sometimes it feels like the pressure to be better, or the pressure to never mess up again is too much. Sometimes we listen to the little voice on our shoulder that is telling you that you’re not enough, that you never will be, that this is all you’re capable of… and you stop believing you can be any better, and all you’re good for is making the same mistakes. So you fall into the trap of doing it again, or not making any changes, even if it makes things worse. Even if it hurts people or yourself. Again. Because you get stuck in your head. Stuck in the feeling that screwing up makes you “less than.” And you are nothing more than that.

But that's why I love the group. Because you look around at all the other people who have made mistakes. You look around at all the people you have come to love despite all their flaws. 

And you realize that if you are capable of loving them despite their flaws, that other people are capable of loving you despite your flaws. You realize it's okay if people love you. You realize that you deserve to be loved despite your flaws. It's okay to love yourself despite your flaws. And as you learn to love yourself, you become better at loving other people in your life. 

And the cycle continues. 

And you keep repeating the steps. 

And you remember that healing isn't linear,

And imperfection, is the human condition.