Homophobic and Gay

I am a little bit homophobic. Well that sounds odd, now doesn’t it. Emily is gay, she can’t be homophobic. Yes I can. I was raised to be. I grew up in a very heteronormative culture, and things that don't fit in that box still feel a bit foreign and uncomfortable. That’s not to say that I was ever raised to be mean or hurtful to gay people, or people who don’t fit inside the stereotypic “boxes.” But it was a subject that was taboo and was generally deemed inappropriate for polite company and best never mentioned in general. I had friends in high school who were bi, gay… it never bothered me, and I loved them. But I knew that seeing gay people in shows meant the show was bad. Even now, most people I know feel that way. And I get it… I still sort of feel that way. But also, part of me wishes I didn’t feel that way. Honestly what comes to mind right now is that on some level, I think of gay couples like I think of porn. I know it exists. I’m not surprised people are into it. If I’m being honest, I have been interested in it. But I’m not supposed to see it, and I’m not supposed to want to, and on some level I have to avoid thinking about it or seeing it because otherwise it might be on my mind on repeat. And entertaining the thought makes me feel shame. I’m not saying that comparison is fair or correct or accurate… just that it feels like an apt comparison for how it makes me feel.  And I think that’s important, just to acknowledge that this implicit bias exists, and I want to change that. You can be kind and loving, and still be a little homophobic. But I think being kind and loving also implies a desire to change to be more kind and loving when you realize there is space for it.

What does it mean to be gay and homophobic? It means there is a part of me that is still uncomfortable with myself. It’s better than it used to be, I don’t feel suicidal, or wish I didn’t exist… I don’t feel as much shame… I am just not totally sure what to do with myself I guess. I just know that I never want to feel like I am hiding again. I am still trying to figure out what I believe versus the ingrained beliefs I grew up with. That’s the biggest thing right now I think. I am trying to be more open minded. I am still trying to feel like who I am isn’t the inappropriate subject you don’t mention at the dinner table. I am still trying to feel like who I am is not the elephant in the room. I am still uncomfortable with the thought that who I am could make someone uncomfortable. I am still trying to accept that maybe I don’t make other people uncomfortable, because I feel pretty convinced that I am the unwanted baggage in the room and that this part of me can make people want to avoid me, or that people would rather pretend it doesn't exist. It means I filter myself with people I don't know well because I'm worried I'll make it awkward if I mention anything to do with being gay. But filtering myself in that way reinforces the shame and makes me feel like I'm hiding again. I am still trying to feel like how I feel isn’t bad. I’m still trying to repair my self-image and sense of self worth. I am trying to find ways I can love and support people in the ways I would hope to be loved and supported. I’m still trying to figure out what I need to feel loved and supported. I am still trying to find the balance between accepting myself and others like me, while also upholding my values. I am still trying to figure out balancing my mental health, with being a productive functioning member of society. I am still trying to figure out how I can better love and be closer to my spouse. I am still trying to let myself be more vulnerable with him. 

This is why I have so loved joining LGTBQ+ Facebook groups this year. I can have the influence and support of people who are like me, but also different from me. The influence of people who don't feel shame. And other people who still feel shame, but are trying not to. The influence of people who are making different choices. The influence of knowing that I can feel love for them even if we're making different choices, and that they can feel love for me too. The influence of interacting with other gay women without having to struggle with maintaining appropriate boundaries. The effect of feeling understood, and not alone, and feeling confident that who I am does not make anyone uncomfortable. That confidence means more than I can say. And no one thinks I am broken or feels sorry for me. I can just be normal. I'm beginning to feel a little more at home among people who don't fit in that heteronormative box, and I want that. I still want to feel at home with people in the heteronormative box too though. I'm beginning to understand the desire to be "loud and proud" with rainbow flags held front and center. Because I am just so tired of feeling like I am hiding, and I just want to feel like I accept myself. And that helps me understand other gay people too. 

I have had a few conversations recently about how God commanded us to love others as we love ourselves. Which implies that we have to love ourselves. And of course, before that we are commanded to love God. And how these are all interconnected and we can’t just focus on one of them and ignore the others. And I think I have been so focused on loving others for so long so that I didn’t have to try to love myself. But not loving myself makes it harder for me to accept that God or others love me. And not accepting that God loves me, makes it harder for me to love me, or accept that other people can love me as much as I love them. It’s all interconnected. 

I feel like a big part of the "cure" to my homophobia beyond just exposure therapy 😅 is allowing myself to love me, all of me. Convincing myself to believe that other people can love me and not think of me as damaged or a burden. Remind myself that it's not my place to judge... It's not my job to judge others and it's not my job to judge myself either. My job is to love. Sometimes it’s really hard for me to accept that people can love me, especially all of me. I hope that if I can love myself, that I can accept that God loves me. And if I can accept that he loves me, that I will love him. And I hope that as I learn to love myself, and accept God’s love for me, that I will better accept the love from people in my life, and be better at loving others too. I want to love Him, I acknowledge that I should love Him for all He’s done for me. I am confident in His love for others. I acknowledge that I should feel loved by Him, and that I am loved by Him. I just want to feel it instead of just know it.