I'm not sure exactly what it's been today... but I am in a serious emotional drain. I know that it's been piling up for the last couple weeks, and it just simply hasn't gotten better. Probably didn't help that I wasn't productive at all today. I didn't get anything done on my list of things to do... and now have to complete my homework while I simply do not have the energy to care about anything.
Today... I woke up late. And my head just felt groggy all day. I can tell I'm starting to get sick... and it's not a party. Half way through the day, I got a phone call saying that my TSH, T4, T3, and T3total blood results were off the charts of way past normal, and that I definitely need to get back to seeing an endocrinologist. And it didn't really bother me at the time, because I've been experiencing the symptoms for some time now, and therefore already was expecting that answer. It would have been more frustrating for them to say it wasn't back. Because then I'd have to wonder what else is wrong with me.
At this point I just... feel a lack of hope for any of the currently stressing areas in my life. It's like no matter what I do, something's always wrong in my, or someone else's life. Being a young adult sucks. Because we're all growing and changing and being squished and molded... and so we never know who we are. Other than the fact, of course, that most of my closest friends know that they are a Child of God. Which helps. But everything else? Oh it's all changing.
There is no greater misery than having no hope... I'm hoping things will get better after tomorrow... but I have the feeling it will be a slow and steady process instead of just big and instant change.
I just want to be done.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Unconditional
It seems like people love me
Free of any strings
I see it as their folly
But I know the joy it brings
I see that people love me
And I have to wonder why
Even though they love me dearly
And can look me in the eye
They tell me not to worry
And I know it's not a joke
But it's still a little blurry
Why you weren't gone before I woke.
In you I still confide
For in your eyes I cannot err.
They could have all forsook my side
But I know that you still care.
And I thought -- what a pickle
But you continue faithful
Without the slightest struggle
For this love seems unconditional.
~Emily Capps
Free of any strings
I see it as their folly
But I know the joy it brings
I see that people love me
And I have to wonder why
Even though they love me dearly
And can look me in the eye
They tell me not to worry
And I know it's not a joke
But it's still a little blurry
Why you weren't gone before I woke.
In you I still confide
For in your eyes I cannot err.
They could have all forsook my side
But I know that you still care.
And I thought -- what a pickle
But you continue faithful
Without the slightest struggle
For this love seems unconditional.
~Emily Capps
Friendship
After getting home from conference today... I wanted to prepare, for some things that I've got coming upon me this week. A dear friend of mine, on Saturday, told me that if crying is the simple act that aids me in turning my burdens over to the Lord, then I should just cry. So... I decided that I wanted to watch a good crying movie.
Since it was Sunday... I chose Charly. I wasn't very far into the movie, before that same dear friend texted me to see if I wanted to go to game night. I ended up going, and therefore, obviously did not end up finishing said movie!
But, upon getting home at like nearly 2 in the morning... after doing my usual rounds on Facebook, I started up the movie again... I felt... and still feel, for that matter, very anxious. And therefore, was not exactly in the state of mind to consider actually going to bed.
There's a scene in the movie... where the main guy, just found out about the girl (whom he has recently fallen in love with) and her past, before he knew her. And he's not really sure what to think about it, and he doesn't feel comfortable with it, yet. And his mother comes out, and says the following lines:
"Does knowing about her past change the way you feel about her"
*silence*
"Well, then. She's better off without you, isn't she?"
If we cannot accept people for who they were, are, and can some day become... then we are worth nothing, and should not be worth anything. And we are certainly not worthy of being apart of their lives. No one said it wouldn't be hard. But, assuming we confide only in those we love and trust... no judgement, or pointing of fingers... should ever take place. And if it does... if it is not, or cannot be corrected... Then they are not worth it. Or, if you as the confidant are the one in the wrong... then you are not worth it.
No amount of love, can make up for a lack of trust... or unconditional love. And that's just how it is. That right there, my friends, is the key to every single relationship you will ever have for the rest of your life. And sometimes we have to let go of friendships and relationships... because they lack that trust, and/or unconditional love. Which hurts. Because we still love them. But love is not enough, my friends.
And sometimes... we find friendships that are near perfect projections of what friends should be. Unconditional, caring, sincere, and nonjudgmental. Those are what we live for, and what we strive for in this life. We are here to grow, and to find joy, and it is relationships like that, where you can grow together in joy.
True friendship is unconditional.
Which is what makes it priceless
and Beautiful.
Since it was Sunday... I chose Charly. I wasn't very far into the movie, before that same dear friend texted me to see if I wanted to go to game night. I ended up going, and therefore, obviously did not end up finishing said movie!
But, upon getting home at like nearly 2 in the morning... after doing my usual rounds on Facebook, I started up the movie again... I felt... and still feel, for that matter, very anxious. And therefore, was not exactly in the state of mind to consider actually going to bed.
There's a scene in the movie... where the main guy, just found out about the girl (whom he has recently fallen in love with) and her past, before he knew her. And he's not really sure what to think about it, and he doesn't feel comfortable with it, yet. And his mother comes out, and says the following lines:
"Does knowing about her past change the way you feel about her"
*silence*
"Well, then. She's better off without you, isn't she?"
If we cannot accept people for who they were, are, and can some day become... then we are worth nothing, and should not be worth anything. And we are certainly not worthy of being apart of their lives. No one said it wouldn't be hard. But, assuming we confide only in those we love and trust... no judgement, or pointing of fingers... should ever take place. And if it does... if it is not, or cannot be corrected... Then they are not worth it. Or, if you as the confidant are the one in the wrong... then you are not worth it.
No amount of love, can make up for a lack of trust... or unconditional love. And that's just how it is. That right there, my friends, is the key to every single relationship you will ever have for the rest of your life. And sometimes we have to let go of friendships and relationships... because they lack that trust, and/or unconditional love. Which hurts. Because we still love them. But love is not enough, my friends.
And sometimes... we find friendships that are near perfect projections of what friends should be. Unconditional, caring, sincere, and nonjudgmental. Those are what we live for, and what we strive for in this life. We are here to grow, and to find joy, and it is relationships like that, where you can grow together in joy.
True friendship is unconditional.
Which is what makes it priceless
and Beautiful.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Priesthood
Man ALIVE! Do I love the priesthood. That's really all I have to say, but really and truly, with all sincerity of my HEART, I LOVE this Gospel, and the authority that the priesthood has. We have the chance to hear the words of God, through their mouths, when they are using that priesthood, and when they are in tune with the Spirit of God. And it's really, just amazing.
I am so blessed to have the knowledge of this Gospel. And I just love it. I am so grateful for the great men in my life, that live up to that responsibility. I am so grateful for their spirit. I wonder sometimes if they realize the great work that they do in all of our lives!
Jesus Christ, our Redeemer, and Savior is the Son of God.
He lives.
And I know that this Church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is true. My goodness, it is true. And I love it!
I am so blessed to have the knowledge of this Gospel. And I just love it. I am so grateful for the great men in my life, that live up to that responsibility. I am so grateful for their spirit. I wonder sometimes if they realize the great work that they do in all of our lives!
Jesus Christ, our Redeemer, and Savior is the Son of God.
He lives.
And I know that this Church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is true. My goodness, it is true. And I love it!
O Lord My God
I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died
Chorus:
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me
Oh, it is wonderful
Wonderful to me
I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine
That he should extend his great love unto such as I
Sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify
(Repeat chorus)
I think of his hands, pierced and bleeding to pay my debt
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet
I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Secure in the promise of life in his victory
Thus ransomed from death I will live to my Savior's praise
And sing of his goodness and mercy through endless days
Mosiah 7
17 And now, it came to pass on the morrow that king Limhi sent a proclamation among all his people, that thereby they might gather themselves together to the temple, to hear the words which he should speak unto them.
18 And it came to pass that when they had gathered themselves together that he spake unto them in this wise, saying: O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made.
19 Therefore, lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God, in that God who was the God of Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob; and also, that God who brought the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt, and caused that they should walk through the Red Sea on dry ground, and fed them with fmanna that they might not perish in the wilderness; and many more things did he do for them.
20 And again, that same God has brought our fathers aout of the land of Jerusalem, and has kept and preserved his people even until now; and behold, it is because of our iniquities and abominations that he has brought us into bondage.
33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died
Chorus:
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me
Oh, it is wonderful
Wonderful to me
I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine
That he should extend his great love unto such as I
Sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify
(Repeat chorus)
I think of his hands, pierced and bleeding to pay my debt
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet
I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Secure in the promise of life in his victory
Thus ransomed from death I will live to my Savior's praise
And sing of his goodness and mercy through endless days
Mosiah 7
17 And now, it came to pass on the morrow that king Limhi sent a proclamation among all his people, that thereby they might gather themselves together to the temple, to hear the words which he should speak unto them.
18 And it came to pass that when they had gathered themselves together that he spake unto them in this wise, saying: O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made.
19 Therefore, lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God, in that God who was the God of Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob; and also, that God who brought the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt, and caused that they should walk through the Red Sea on dry ground, and fed them with fmanna that they might not perish in the wilderness; and many more things did he do for them.
20 And again, that same God has brought our fathers aout of the land of Jerusalem, and has kept and preserved his people even until now; and behold, it is because of our iniquities and abominations that he has brought us into bondage.
33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
p.p.s
So, Michael's birthday is coming up in about a month, and I need to send something on next week or so, so that he'll hopefully get it by his birthday! Eeek! Need to start cracking on what I'm gonna do...!
p.s
I'm currently considering changing my major to Art Education, with a minor in American Government Education.
And, on a random note... words that describe my current insecurity. But no, I don't feel like explaining how, or in what context.
supplement
addendum
extraneous
extra
add-on
appendage
attachment
bonus
unnecessary
accessory
superfluous
And, on a random note... words that describe my current insecurity. But no, I don't feel like explaining how, or in what context.
supplement
addendum
extraneous
extra
add-on
appendage
attachment
bonus
unnecessary
accessory
superfluous
Recently
Wow, seems like a lot has happened in my life of late. And yet at the same time it's still pretty empty. Currently, I am still looking for a job... With no success. Yeah, pretty lame. And I've been home now for almost two months now... wow, does not seem that long. I guess because when I first got home, the first month or so was spent hanging out with Paula, and then being a loser with no social life, when she left.
Nowadays, I usually hang out with Mandy all day twice a week or so. We seem to be making a habit of hanging out on Tuesdays, and then going to institute together. We are becoming fun amazing friends. Right now she is sick, which is sad, because she coughs all the time, and just looks and sounds very tired. But I still hung out with her all day yesterday and bossed her around to make her sleep and such things... hehe! woops! That's okay though, I think she needed it. And she wouldn't let me do much else for her ;)
I've recently been adopted into what I believe is referred to as the "Pretty Pretty" group... haha. Sorry if that sounds like a flashback from The Uglies, series. Promise we're not air headed though. It's a circle of lovely amazing girls. And we're constantly helping each other through our individual crises. I expect to grow a lot this semester, and a big part of that growth will be because of my circle of girls. I hope to continue to grow closer to those wonderful girls!
I've decided that if since I am home, and since I have so much free time, and since I do not have a job, there must be a reason. Last time life was like this (last fall), I decided in hindsight that gaining the wonderful miss Lindy Lee, as a friend was a big part of why I was home, and why Michael went to college a semester before me. And while I certainly love, adore, and very much appreciate the friendships I am making down here this semester... and hope to keep many of them for a life time, and beyond!! I think there's more to me being home.
I've idled a lot of my time of late, and I think I'm done. With that aspect. I'm making a goal, to read the Book of Mormon every month until I go back to school. And then, at least once a semester, if not twice. I also want to attend the temple. I started to go several times a week, before I left Idaho, and I certainly miss that aspect.
I'm pretty certain my Graves' Disease is coming out of remission. And I've ignored it for a couple months now... and I'm pretty sure it's time to do something about it. I'm becoming more fidgety, and anxious, and nervous. I frequently suffer from fatigue, or insomnia. I can almost always feel my heart beat as strong and as heavy as, in Colby's words, "an army marching." When I wake up in the morning, I am seriously hot, physically, and internally. And no amount of cold liquids does anything for it. And my heart is racing as though I've been jogging, even though it should be as slow as ever since Ive just been sitting in bed. I feel like my eye sight is deteriorating, and I'm losing weight (though the weight I can also place blame on myself for!) So... yeah! not very good signs.
At any rate, I've learned a lot in the last week. More than I can even describe or share with you. Right now, I'm going to go do homework, and read my scriptures, and then make lots of phone calls to a series of doctors. Hope you, my friends, have a wonderful day!
Nowadays, I usually hang out with Mandy all day twice a week or so. We seem to be making a habit of hanging out on Tuesdays, and then going to institute together. We are becoming fun amazing friends. Right now she is sick, which is sad, because she coughs all the time, and just looks and sounds very tired. But I still hung out with her all day yesterday and bossed her around to make her sleep and such things... hehe! woops! That's okay though, I think she needed it. And she wouldn't let me do much else for her ;) I've recently been adopted into what I believe is referred to as the "Pretty Pretty" group... haha. Sorry if that sounds like a flashback from The Uglies, series. Promise we're not air headed though. It's a circle of lovely amazing girls. And we're constantly helping each other through our individual crises. I expect to grow a lot this semester, and a big part of that growth will be because of my circle of girls. I hope to continue to grow closer to those wonderful girls!
I've decided that if since I am home, and since I have so much free time, and since I do not have a job, there must be a reason. Last time life was like this (last fall), I decided in hindsight that gaining the wonderful miss Lindy Lee, as a friend was a big part of why I was home, and why Michael went to college a semester before me. And while I certainly love, adore, and very much appreciate the friendships I am making down here this semester... and hope to keep many of them for a life time, and beyond!! I think there's more to me being home.
I've idled a lot of my time of late, and I think I'm done. With that aspect. I'm making a goal, to read the Book of Mormon every month until I go back to school. And then, at least once a semester, if not twice. I also want to attend the temple. I started to go several times a week, before I left Idaho, and I certainly miss that aspect.
I'm pretty certain my Graves' Disease is coming out of remission. And I've ignored it for a couple months now... and I'm pretty sure it's time to do something about it. I'm becoming more fidgety, and anxious, and nervous. I frequently suffer from fatigue, or insomnia. I can almost always feel my heart beat as strong and as heavy as, in Colby's words, "an army marching." When I wake up in the morning, I am seriously hot, physically, and internally. And no amount of cold liquids does anything for it. And my heart is racing as though I've been jogging, even though it should be as slow as ever since Ive just been sitting in bed. I feel like my eye sight is deteriorating, and I'm losing weight (though the weight I can also place blame on myself for!) So... yeah! not very good signs.
At any rate, I've learned a lot in the last week. More than I can even describe or share with you. Right now, I'm going to go do homework, and read my scriptures, and then make lots of phone calls to a series of doctors. Hope you, my friends, have a wonderful day!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Fridays
I haven't written in forever... I know! I'm sorry. At any rate, yesterday, I went over to my new friend Amanda (Mandy) Wood's place. She's the new nanny for the Lee-Wen's. She took over for Lindy when she left.
For the most part I just hung around the house while she got Caleb all fed, and such. But when he went to take his nap, we watched a movie, (and ate rice and beans, that Mandy had cooked for our lunch!). And after the movie we sat on the couch for a while talking. Which is always good. I don't think we'll end up being like best friends or anything, but she's pretty fun. She reminds me a lot, of Lindy, but her personality is very different in a lot of respects. When Caleb woke up, and Eilie got back from school, we painted pretty pictures! lol. Fun times, I know. Around 6:30 I think, I left and it was seriously POURING, like I've never seen so much rain in my life. NO visibility, man. And while I was driving home, this guy randomly stops dead--in the middle of the highway, I mean, really!? And I had to swerve into the other lane, and I started hydroplaining.. and just, YAH! At any rate, I did get home okay. And I texted Mandy when I got home to let her know that I was safely at home.
Ate dinner with the fam, and then scurried off to Beth's birthday party, which was located at Ali Hancock's place, in Cedar Park (forever and a day away). Beth is a girl in the Mt Bonnell Singles Ward, that I really don't know all that well, but hey! Gotta go to the parties, right? Yep! Anyway, lots of fun smiling people were there at the party. Virginia, Shaunna, Caroline, Ali, Kayla, Tiffany... you know! And Mandy got there a couple minutes after I did.
A bunch of people, including the first three girls I mentioned, and Mandy, ended up playing a version of like King of the Mountain, with this huge floating circle, in the pool. I of course, avoided it, since I can't get my ear wet! Hole in the eardrum and all. But they certainly had a lot of fun. So I took pictures for a while, and then got in and swam around. As it got later, more people started to dissipate away from the party... and I joined the group of people sitting in the hot tub. We started to play truth or dare, and two truths and a lie, and that kind of thing, you know. And slowly more and more people started to leave, until it was left down to Ali, Mandy, and I, and a guy named Jake, that I don't really know (like, at all!) lol. We got into all kinds of deep conversations, and just talked for like, EVER! lol. It was lots of fun, and I found out some exciting, entertaining things about Ali. And it was a bonding moment, of course!
At any rate, Mandy and I didn't leave until like 3am haha. I got a text at midnight from Steve, my brother in law, saying "My, aren't we out late tonight?" lol... which was pretty funny, considering I got that text three hours later. At any rate, I texted Mandy to make sure she had gotten home, because she had been starting to look pretty tired by the time we left. And then proceeded to stay up for the next like hour.. haha. What a party.
Lots of fun though!
Live life!
For the most part I just hung around the house while she got Caleb all fed, and such. But when he went to take his nap, we watched a movie, (and ate rice and beans, that Mandy had cooked for our lunch!). And after the movie we sat on the couch for a while talking. Which is always good. I don't think we'll end up being like best friends or anything, but she's pretty fun. She reminds me a lot, of Lindy, but her personality is very different in a lot of respects. When Caleb woke up, and Eilie got back from school, we painted pretty pictures! lol. Fun times, I know. Around 6:30 I think, I left and it was seriously POURING, like I've never seen so much rain in my life. NO visibility, man. And while I was driving home, this guy randomly stops dead--in the middle of the highway, I mean, really!? And I had to swerve into the other lane, and I started hydroplaining.. and just, YAH! At any rate, I did get home okay. And I texted Mandy when I got home to let her know that I was safely at home.
Ate dinner with the fam, and then scurried off to Beth's birthday party, which was located at Ali Hancock's place, in Cedar Park (forever and a day away). Beth is a girl in the Mt Bonnell Singles Ward, that I really don't know all that well, but hey! Gotta go to the parties, right? Yep! Anyway, lots of fun smiling people were there at the party. Virginia, Shaunna, Caroline, Ali, Kayla, Tiffany... you know! And Mandy got there a couple minutes after I did.
A bunch of people, including the first three girls I mentioned, and Mandy, ended up playing a version of like King of the Mountain, with this huge floating circle, in the pool. I of course, avoided it, since I can't get my ear wet! Hole in the eardrum and all. But they certainly had a lot of fun. So I took pictures for a while, and then got in and swam around. As it got later, more people started to dissipate away from the party... and I joined the group of people sitting in the hot tub. We started to play truth or dare, and two truths and a lie, and that kind of thing, you know. And slowly more and more people started to leave, until it was left down to Ali, Mandy, and I, and a guy named Jake, that I don't really know (like, at all!) lol. We got into all kinds of deep conversations, and just talked for like, EVER! lol. It was lots of fun, and I found out some exciting, entertaining things about Ali. And it was a bonding moment, of course!
At any rate, Mandy and I didn't leave until like 3am haha. I got a text at midnight from Steve, my brother in law, saying "My, aren't we out late tonight?" lol... which was pretty funny, considering I got that text three hours later. At any rate, I texted Mandy to make sure she had gotten home, because she had been starting to look pretty tired by the time we left. And then proceeded to stay up for the next like hour.. haha. What a party.
Lots of fun though!
Live life!
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