Mortality

God has put within our lives meanings and possibilities that quite outrun the limits of mortality.
Harry Emerson Fosdick

In reality, we are all travelers - even explorers of mortality.
Thomas S. Monson

To suspect your own mortality is to know the beginning of terror, to learn irrefutably that you are mortal is to know the end of terror.
Frank Herbert

To take a photograph is to participate in another person's mortality, vulnerability, mutability. Precisely by slicing out this moment and freezing it, all photographs testify to time's relentless melt.
Susan Sontag

Don't fear your mortality, because it is this very mortality that gives meaning and depth and poignancy to all the days that will be granted to you.
Paul Tsongas

Each of us, is susceptible to mortality, and even prone to it. Indeed, mortality is a fatal illness that travails us all, I believe. It is something we ourselves cannot cure. Although we may be able to fight the symptoms for quite some time. Perhaps it can be said, that it is like the common cold. Sometimes, we can't explain where we got it from, and we really can't fix it... but we can give it time, and allow it to pass through its natural cycle.

I believe that we will one day be resurrected, to perfected bodies. The definition of perfect of course, I think is frequently debated. Some think that it will mean midgets will get taller, and that everyone will look like the ideal model version of themselves... But I think part of us receiving perfected bodies, is accepting ourselves as who we are. God made us, and our bodies are therefore perfect. It seems only we are the ones unable to see this. Of course there is probably a fine line to tread with this theory, which I will not try to debate. God's ways are higher than my ways, as his thoughts are higher than my thoughts. So who am I to analyze his patterns?

In my belief, however, that we will be resurrected, that implies that while our body may die for a time, it can always be revived, by the Lord. He may tell me in this instant, personally, that I will have good health... and tomorrow I may find out that I have cancer. Yet, for me, this would change nothing. Because I know that one day, truth will bear witness, and I will have good health. That does not mean I am insusceptible to the common ails of mortality while I am in this life.

I must merely do my best, to take care of myself and others. And respect this body -- this earthly temple... And of course, to always increase our knowledge of our Lord and our Savior. To exercise our faith, and to do the work of God.

Much Needed Break

I've had so much stress lately... that I'm going to take a break. Pick up a favorite book or two.. a couple new ones... get a new library card haha. Cut back on the social activities for a week.. that kind of thing. Just give some time to myself, and also to the Lord.

See how I feel afterwards.

Very much needed break, though.

Apologies. Every. Day.

I suck at life.
Got it.

Sorry for that.

Candle Burning

The first stanza truly spoke to me in reference to my earlier post from today.

"There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold
There is a Spirit who brings a fire
Ignites a candle and makes His home"

Joy

I want to be happy.

I feel like... for months now, I have either been "Okay" or "Not okay" and I never truly experience joy. If I do, it is merely for a moment. All my life I have been the happy person. And I was either GREAT or terribly depressed. I never did mediocre. My emotions were always polar, and never in the middle. And now adays... I'm nearly always in the middle. Any usually I was in a state of joy. Sad things were fleeting.

I don't like this reversal I've come across. Where I'm normally "Okay" or "Not okay" or "Not great" or just "Bad" ... and "I feel amazing" is like this rare endangered species. I don't like it at all. I just want to be happy.

The president of my Texas home Stake, is President Hollingsworth. And he's been in the presidency for as long as I can, even though his position as president, is a new one. And he is just the most amazing man you will even meet. Say... you are standing in the church house talking to some people, and then he sees you, or you see him. Somehow you end up face to face with him, and he just smiles. And you know he is a worthy priesthood holder who is righteous, and full of joy. He just glows, and shines with the light of Christ. Then, he holds out his right hand, with no shame or regret for the fingers that are missing, and you shake his hand. At that moment he will ask you "How are you, sister?" with so much love, bursting and swelling in his voice. And you reply "I'm good." But such and answer simply will not do with President Hollingsworth, and he will respond, "Just good? Not GREAT!?" and if you change your answer to great, then his smile will grow wider, and you can part ways in peace. But if you say "Yeah, just good," then he will look at you with more love, and understanding than you could have ever guessed he might show you, and either ask you what he can do for you, or he will give you some small simple piece of advice, that just makes your heart glow.

And that is part of his testimony. Being good is not enough. Because we have the gospel. We are Divine Children of our Heavenly Father. We are loved. I want to be GREAT. I want to feel AMAZING. I want to once again use that wonderful word, MAGNANIMOUS! I need the blessing of pure joy, consistent joy in my life again.

So now, I must ask the Lord My God, what I am doing wrong, or how many things I am doing wrong. Somehow I must learn how I can be more self reliant, while depending on him more, and giving him my trials and sins. Somehow. But as yet, I don't know how.

My God How Great Thou Art

Nelot A illwa ulys Perelfec olot

Selome elhalow ili elhail vemanil ageled telosc ilrewov elerm alyli fulile.

Silor elry.
Ili suluppulosei jelus tsiluelcka tollif alet hilis weeilk.

Emotional Drain

I'm not sure exactly what it's been today... but I am in a serious emotional drain. I know that it's been piling up for the last couple weeks, and it just simply hasn't gotten better. Probably didn't help that I wasn't productive at all today. I didn't get anything done on my list of things to do... and now have to complete my homework while I simply do not have the energy to care about anything.

Today... I woke up late. And my head just felt groggy all day. I can tell I'm starting to get sick... and it's not a party. Half way through the day, I got a phone call saying that my TSH, T4, T3, and T3total blood results were off the charts of way past normal, and that I definitely need to get back to seeing an endocrinologist. And it didn't really bother me at the time, because I've been experiencing the symptoms for some time now, and therefore already was expecting that answer. It would have been more frustrating for them to say it wasn't back. Because then I'd have to wonder what else is wrong with me.

At this point I just... feel a lack of hope for any of the currently stressing areas in my life. It's like no matter what I do, something's always wrong in my, or someone else's life. Being a young adult sucks. Because we're all growing and changing and being squished and molded... and so we never know who we are. Other than the fact, of course, that most of my closest friends know that they are a Child of God. Which helps. But everything else? Oh it's all changing.

There is no greater misery than having no hope... I'm hoping things will get better after tomorrow... but I have the feeling it will be a slow and steady process instead of just big and instant change.
I just want to be done.

Unconditional

It seems like people love me
Free of any strings
I see it as their folly
But I know the joy it brings

I see that people love me
And I have to wonder why
Even though they love me dearly
And can look me in the eye

They tell me not to worry
And I know it's not a joke
But it's still a little blurry
Why you weren't gone before I woke.

In you I still confide
For in your eyes I cannot err.
They could have all forsook my side
But I know that you still care.

And I thought -- what a pickle
But you continue faithful
Without the slightest struggle
For this love seems unconditional.

~Emily Capps

Friendship

After getting home from conference today... I wanted to prepare, for some things that I've got coming upon me this week. A dear friend of mine, on Saturday, told me that if crying is the simple act that aids me in turning my burdens over to the Lord, then I should just cry. So... I decided that I wanted to watch a good crying movie.

Since it was Sunday... I chose Charly. I wasn't very far into the movie, before that same dear friend texted me to see if I wanted to go to game night. I ended up going, and therefore, obviously did not end up finishing said movie!

But, upon getting home at like nearly 2 in the morning... after doing my usual rounds on Facebook, I started up the movie again... I felt... and still feel, for that matter, very anxious. And therefore, was not exactly in the state of mind to consider actually going to bed.

There's a scene in the movie... where the main guy, just found out about the girl (whom he has recently fallen in love with) and her past, before he knew her. And he's not really sure what to think about it, and he doesn't feel comfortable with it, yet. And his mother comes out, and says the following lines:

"Does knowing about her past change the way you feel about her"
*silence*
"Well, then. She's better off without you, isn't she?"

If we cannot accept people for who they were, are, and can some day become... then we are worth nothing, and should not be worth anything. And we are certainly not worthy of being apart of their lives. No one said it wouldn't be hard. But, assuming we confide only in those we love and trust... no judgement, or pointing of fingers... should ever take place. And if it does... if it is not, or cannot be corrected... Then they are not worth it. Or, if you as the confidant are the one in the wrong... then you are not worth it.

No amount of love, can make up for a lack of trust... or unconditional love. And that's just how it is. That right there, my friends, is the key to every single relationship you will ever have for the rest of your life. And sometimes we have to let go of friendships and relationships... because they lack that trust, and/or unconditional love. Which hurts. Because we still love them. But love is not enough, my friends.

And sometimes... we find friendships that are near perfect projections of what friends should be. Unconditional, caring, sincere, and nonjudgmental. Those are what we live for, and what we strive for in this life. We are here to grow, and to find joy, and it is relationships like that, where you can grow together in joy.

True friendship is unconditional.
Which is what makes it priceless
and Beautiful.