Michael and I started dating December 2, 2007. Seems like yesterday... and it seems like eternity. I've been in the mood to relive things we did... and there's not a lot I can do. Trail of Lights for instance is now pretty much nonexistent. Michael and I had our first kiss after taking a walk down the Trail of Lights. We'd been dating for nearly a month. Thinking about it makes me miss him. Although I suppose that doesn't necessarily say much since sometimes I think just about everything makes me miss him.
I've been kind of slack about writing him of late. I need to get better about that. Time just keeps passing before my eyes... and yet it seems to travel ever so slowly. Funny how things work that way.
Maybe I'll make myself hot chocolate over a sterno can just to remember him by, this holiday season. That'd be tender.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
R Rated Movies
Someone asked me at a football game a few month back, why LDS members (or as you might remember.. "Mormons") don't watch R rated movies. The easiest answer is because the prophet told us not to, and so in the effort to be obedient, we follow his counsel.
But many of us also know that in trying to answer this question to those inquiring... this sometimes doesn't feel like enough of a response or explanation. I was thinking about it today while I was driving, and my thought process went something like this:
Sometimes I am tempted to watch R rated movies. But then I remember how I am already affected by the themes and content that are presented in the PG13 movies that I do allow myself to watch. Movies influence us. Perhaps we don't always see it... but I do. Why would you watch movies presenting themes of sex and violence and language... When you have made a commitment not to break the law of chastity? When you have vowed not to have sex before marriage? When you do not believe in being a violent being? When you are training yourself to avoid the foul language you already hear so much in your every day surroundings?
Everyone's heard the question "My average day at highschool would be rated higher than that movie, why not see it?" Or something along those lines... But I present the following analogy: I may step in a pile of dog crap every day of my life. I don't enjoy it, but I get use to it because it's part of my daily routine. However, does this mean I would opt to swim in it every weekend as well?
We all choose role models. I don't know about you, but I make sure that my role models are examples of people who represent what I want to be one day. If my goal in life is to become like Christ... why would I choose to immerse myself in media that supports sex, drugs, and foul language?
I don't watch R rated movies because I know that the themes presented in them do not support the person I am trying to be. Their inappropriate content makes me feel uncomfortable with myself because I know that by watching them I would be untrue to myself. By this principle... it stands to reason that I don't even watch some PG13 movies because the same is true. It's not about the rating. It's about the content. It's about what that content represents... and it's about whether or not I have the will to control the petty desires of the natural man.
So, when your friends come up to you and ask "Why don't you watch R rated movies?" You need to ask yourself.. "Why don't I watch R rated movies?" Because the answer that matters most is the reason that keeps you going strong in your resolve. And for those of you that may be the person asking that question, instead of the one being asked...
Remember, that these people are your friends. No matter their reason, it is their choice. I believe one of the most important qualities in friendship is being able to respect and honor the values our friends embrace. If they believe in something, with all their heart... you have to respect that. Doesn't mean you have to agree... and it doesn't mean they are going to judge you for not living your life by the same principles..
It just means that as friends... we love each other for every piece that completes the puzzle of who we are. Every piece.
But many of us also know that in trying to answer this question to those inquiring... this sometimes doesn't feel like enough of a response or explanation. I was thinking about it today while I was driving, and my thought process went something like this:
Sometimes I am tempted to watch R rated movies. But then I remember how I am already affected by the themes and content that are presented in the PG13 movies that I do allow myself to watch. Movies influence us. Perhaps we don't always see it... but I do. Why would you watch movies presenting themes of sex and violence and language... When you have made a commitment not to break the law of chastity? When you have vowed not to have sex before marriage? When you do not believe in being a violent being? When you are training yourself to avoid the foul language you already hear so much in your every day surroundings?
Everyone's heard the question "My average day at highschool would be rated higher than that movie, why not see it?" Or something along those lines... But I present the following analogy: I may step in a pile of dog crap every day of my life. I don't enjoy it, but I get use to it because it's part of my daily routine. However, does this mean I would opt to swim in it every weekend as well?
We all choose role models. I don't know about you, but I make sure that my role models are examples of people who represent what I want to be one day. If my goal in life is to become like Christ... why would I choose to immerse myself in media that supports sex, drugs, and foul language?
I don't watch R rated movies because I know that the themes presented in them do not support the person I am trying to be. Their inappropriate content makes me feel uncomfortable with myself because I know that by watching them I would be untrue to myself. By this principle... it stands to reason that I don't even watch some PG13 movies because the same is true. It's not about the rating. It's about the content. It's about what that content represents... and it's about whether or not I have the will to control the petty desires of the natural man.
So, when your friends come up to you and ask "Why don't you watch R rated movies?" You need to ask yourself.. "Why don't I watch R rated movies?" Because the answer that matters most is the reason that keeps you going strong in your resolve. And for those of you that may be the person asking that question, instead of the one being asked...
Remember, that these people are your friends. No matter their reason, it is their choice. I believe one of the most important qualities in friendship is being able to respect and honor the values our friends embrace. If they believe in something, with all their heart... you have to respect that. Doesn't mean you have to agree... and it doesn't mean they are going to judge you for not living your life by the same principles..
It just means that as friends... we love each other for every piece that completes the puzzle of who we are. Every piece.
Nicknames Continued
My sister commented on my last blog, about nicknames! So I thought I should include the story to which she somewhat referenced. When I was about three and a half, my very first nephew was born...thus making me an aunt. But if ya'll aren't aware... in Texas, "Aunt" is pronounced, "Ant." At the mere age of three and a half years however, this fact was lost on me. My sisters and my mother informed me shortly before dear Andrew was born, that I would soon become an "ant" ! I very clearly remember being in the backyard when this happened, walking on the sidewalk that circled our pool. I wrinkled my face and crinkled my nose in response.
"I don't want to be an ant! Ants bite me!"
"I want to be a rolly polly!"
Rolly pollies were my favorite... and they will forever hold a special place in my heart, as I believe they do in the hearts of most everyone. My sisters tried to explain that they meant "aunt" and not "ant" and that it would be rather silly for my nephews and nieces in the future to call me "rolly polly emily" instead of "aunt emily" but I was quite adamant on the issue and stated the obvious.
"They'll just have to get over it!"
Atleast that's how I remember it going.
Now adays, most of my nephews and nieces just call me Emily. I'm pretty close in age to most of them, at least relative to the age gaps I share with my own siblings... so calling me Aunt is really far too formal and impersonal. Atleast in my opinion. Although on the off occasion, they will call me "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!" But always with a smile on their faces ;)
"I don't want to be an ant! Ants bite me!"
"I want to be a rolly polly!"
Rolly pollies were my favorite... and they will forever hold a special place in my heart, as I believe they do in the hearts of most everyone. My sisters tried to explain that they meant "aunt" and not "ant" and that it would be rather silly for my nephews and nieces in the future to call me "rolly polly emily" instead of "aunt emily" but I was quite adamant on the issue and stated the obvious.
"They'll just have to get over it!"
Atleast that's how I remember it going.
Now adays, most of my nephews and nieces just call me Emily. I'm pretty close in age to most of them, at least relative to the age gaps I share with my own siblings... so calling me Aunt is really far too formal and impersonal. Atleast in my opinion. Although on the off occasion, they will call me "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!" But always with a smile on their faces ;)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Of Nicknames
My very first nickname was Hoot Owl. As a child, whenever I saw something I thought was interesting I would make the sound "Hoo hoo!" and everyone thought I sounded like a little owl cooing at everything I saw, so they called me Hoot Owl. I don't remember this of course because I was just a baby, but I do remember people telling me about it as a child.
In elementary school I had a few more nicknames. The first of which was Klingon. Princess Klingon if you asked me personally, but it was just plain Klingon to everyone else. You know that game where a child grabs onto your leg and you try to get them off? Well, that was my favorite game, and I liked to think I was rather good, thus the "princess bit." I'm sure I was seriously irritating... I had no sense of people's space bubbles just as a general rule. I also went by the name Juanita, but only in Spanish class. My third nickname for elementary school was Amelia Bedelia. My friends William Peebles and David Weidower liked to call me that and I hated it. ha, but who cares now, of course! ^_^ Oh, and Chloe Guenther used to always call me M&M. tender.
Freshman year of highschool my nicknames just spawned off like crazy! Beginning with Stalker. I don't really remember the circumstances, but I made up a "stalker walk" ... and let me tell you, this stalker walk was ridiculous. You can ask me to show it to you some time if you like, but I'll only show you if you're lucky! ha. Anyway... my friends thought it was hilarious and decided to call me stalker. That's the one that stuck the longest. All the others really just had random stories to them and usually didn't last for very long. Scribbles, because I drew on my arms in geography class... Poptart because I always brought pop tarts for lunch... Skittles--well that one was really only on accident. Siren, because I was so loud in the mornings when everyone else was so tired (that's the only nickname I refused to respond to, ha).
I've never really had any unique nicknames from boyfriends or anything like that... although that would be tender. I've always wanted something particularly unique and random... inside joke kind of thing, ya know? That had a story behind it so that it made sense. The usual "honey" "hon" "darling" et cetera don't count, ya know.
Lindy Lee calls me Amelia, because she's obsessed with french, and she thinks it sound pretty. And then there's always the normal shortenings of my name, "Em," "Emmy," that kind of thing. Every now and then people whip out Emily Jane. And in his letters, Michael refers to me as his favorite Texan girl. Or sometimes his cowgirl. And that always makes me smile.
But my favorite nickname of all time so far... has been "Amy"
One of my dear friends' father always comes up with a nickname for people, or animals that he really likes. And soon after I met him he started referring to me as Amy from Abilene. I thought it was the cutest thing, and I chose not to correct him because it was just plain tender. Someone asked him about it a year later or so, and he claims that they told him my name was Amy and he was just trying to call me by my name! But, I'm not sure I buy it! haha. Either way, he still calls me Amy from Abilene, and I'll love it forever.
But he's the only one allowed to call me Amy.
Just so ya know!
In elementary school I had a few more nicknames. The first of which was Klingon. Princess Klingon if you asked me personally, but it was just plain Klingon to everyone else. You know that game where a child grabs onto your leg and you try to get them off? Well, that was my favorite game, and I liked to think I was rather good, thus the "princess bit." I'm sure I was seriously irritating... I had no sense of people's space bubbles just as a general rule. I also went by the name Juanita, but only in Spanish class. My third nickname for elementary school was Amelia Bedelia. My friends William Peebles and David Weidower liked to call me that and I hated it. ha, but who cares now, of course! ^_^ Oh, and Chloe Guenther used to always call me M&M. tender.
Freshman year of highschool my nicknames just spawned off like crazy! Beginning with Stalker. I don't really remember the circumstances, but I made up a "stalker walk" ... and let me tell you, this stalker walk was ridiculous. You can ask me to show it to you some time if you like, but I'll only show you if you're lucky! ha. Anyway... my friends thought it was hilarious and decided to call me stalker. That's the one that stuck the longest. All the others really just had random stories to them and usually didn't last for very long. Scribbles, because I drew on my arms in geography class... Poptart because I always brought pop tarts for lunch... Skittles--well that one was really only on accident. Siren, because I was so loud in the mornings when everyone else was so tired (that's the only nickname I refused to respond to, ha).
I've never really had any unique nicknames from boyfriends or anything like that... although that would be tender. I've always wanted something particularly unique and random... inside joke kind of thing, ya know? That had a story behind it so that it made sense. The usual "honey" "hon" "darling" et cetera don't count, ya know.
Lindy Lee calls me Amelia, because she's obsessed with french, and she thinks it sound pretty. And then there's always the normal shortenings of my name, "Em," "Emmy," that kind of thing. Every now and then people whip out Emily Jane. And in his letters, Michael refers to me as his favorite Texan girl. Or sometimes his cowgirl. And that always makes me smile.
But my favorite nickname of all time so far... has been "Amy"
One of my dear friends' father always comes up with a nickname for people, or animals that he really likes. And soon after I met him he started referring to me as Amy from Abilene. I thought it was the cutest thing, and I chose not to correct him because it was just plain tender. Someone asked him about it a year later or so, and he claims that they told him my name was Amy and he was just trying to call me by my name! But, I'm not sure I buy it! haha. Either way, he still calls me Amy from Abilene, and I'll love it forever.
But he's the only one allowed to call me Amy.
Just so ya know!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Waiting for a Missionary
I miss Michael.
Michael's mother gave my mother a hug on Sunday and asked my mother to make sure that I received that hug from her. And the first thing that came to my mind was that she somehow knew that I needed that hug.. from my mother and from her.
I miss Michael more now than I have ever missed him the whole time he has been gone. I've learned to deal with it a little better now with all the practice... so I'm atleast not an emotional wreck... but I miss him. This whole time, I've been a little shakey. I guess I'm a slow mover on the whole relationship path thing. I had a policy most of my life not to allow myself to get attached to men. I didn't want to let them get close enough to hurt me, because I suppose experiences in my life led to my general distrust of men. But we won't go in to that.
One day, I realized that I had become attached to Michael, and it scared me. But I liked it at the same time.. and that scared me.
Then he left, and people always say stuff like "Well, you never know." or "I waited for a missionary, but then I got married to a man who was not that missionary" or "Do you think you'll actually get married?" ... It's like the whole world is out to instill doubt. I've been so scared this whole time... because I knew there was a possibility, maybe I'd meet some guy like everybody said, and maybe we'd fall in love.. and I'd be married before Michael even came back. But I hoped with every fiber in my being that that would not happen. For months I prayed that I wouldn't. I told my Heavenly Father... I know there's probably more than one "right guy" out there for me... but please, I choose Michael. I want Michael. I want him more than anything. Please don't let it be some other guy.
And then I was worried about our feelings for eachother changing. Everyone always says "People change" or "You might not feel the same when he gets back." Like I hadn't thought of that already. I was worried he'd come back, and I would still love him desperately, but he wouldn't want me anymore. His feelings would change, or maybe I just wouldn't be good enough.
I tried to get over him you know... the first 6 months I tried. I dated other guys. Big shocker guys, I know.. I prayed to get over him, because I thought it would be easier. I thought that if it was meant to be, then we would fall back in love when he came back. But I just couldn't get over him. And so the thought of him coming back and not wanting me anymore... scared me. Because I wasn't sure if I could ever get over him. Ever.
But what it comes down to, is that I cannot picture myself with any other guy. No other guy has made me a better person. No other guy has wanted me to be better. No other guy has ever respected me like he does. No other guy has made me wish I was better.. so I could be better -- for him. And I have never respected any other man I have dated... Only Michael has ever earned my respect.
And I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Realizing that only makes me miss him more. And you know what... I still feel scared. I still worry. But I take comfort in the fact... that he is going to come back. And no man has ever made me feel as safe and loved as Michael has. And when he comes back... I know that feeling of safety will come back too. And even if I am scared out of my mind, I can still feel safe.
Michael's mother gave my mother a hug on Sunday and asked my mother to make sure that I received that hug from her. And the first thing that came to my mind was that she somehow knew that I needed that hug.. from my mother and from her.
I miss Michael more now than I have ever missed him the whole time he has been gone. I've learned to deal with it a little better now with all the practice... so I'm atleast not an emotional wreck... but I miss him. This whole time, I've been a little shakey. I guess I'm a slow mover on the whole relationship path thing. I had a policy most of my life not to allow myself to get attached to men. I didn't want to let them get close enough to hurt me, because I suppose experiences in my life led to my general distrust of men. But we won't go in to that.
One day, I realized that I had become attached to Michael, and it scared me. But I liked it at the same time.. and that scared me.
Then he left, and people always say stuff like "Well, you never know." or "I waited for a missionary, but then I got married to a man who was not that missionary" or "Do you think you'll actually get married?" ... It's like the whole world is out to instill doubt. I've been so scared this whole time... because I knew there was a possibility, maybe I'd meet some guy like everybody said, and maybe we'd fall in love.. and I'd be married before Michael even came back. But I hoped with every fiber in my being that that would not happen. For months I prayed that I wouldn't. I told my Heavenly Father... I know there's probably more than one "right guy" out there for me... but please, I choose Michael. I want Michael. I want him more than anything. Please don't let it be some other guy.
And then I was worried about our feelings for eachother changing. Everyone always says "People change" or "You might not feel the same when he gets back." Like I hadn't thought of that already. I was worried he'd come back, and I would still love him desperately, but he wouldn't want me anymore. His feelings would change, or maybe I just wouldn't be good enough.
I tried to get over him you know... the first 6 months I tried. I dated other guys. Big shocker guys, I know.. I prayed to get over him, because I thought it would be easier. I thought that if it was meant to be, then we would fall back in love when he came back. But I just couldn't get over him. And so the thought of him coming back and not wanting me anymore... scared me. Because I wasn't sure if I could ever get over him. Ever.
But what it comes down to, is that I cannot picture myself with any other guy. No other guy has made me a better person. No other guy has wanted me to be better. No other guy has ever respected me like he does. No other guy has made me wish I was better.. so I could be better -- for him. And I have never respected any other man I have dated... Only Michael has ever earned my respect.
And I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Realizing that only makes me miss him more. And you know what... I still feel scared. I still worry. But I take comfort in the fact... that he is going to come back. And no man has ever made me feel as safe and loved as Michael has. And when he comes back... I know that feeling of safety will come back too. And even if I am scared out of my mind, I can still feel safe.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Life this Week
Life this week has been long and hectic... I couldn't begin to tell you everything that has happened and to be honest, you really wouldn't want to hear me talk about it for that long!
There was a death in the house this week. My mother's friend, Geraldine was living with us as my mother was taking care of her. I was upstairs in the room right above hers when it happened... forcing homework problems upon my nephews and nieces. It caused quite a stir in the house, as you might imagine... and I was tasked with keeping the kids busy upstairs so they wouldn't be downstairs as hospice and nurses and caretakers and family and all sorts of people came through the house. It was a long day for everyone.
There were mis-communications concerning funeral plans, and I had to field several angry phone calls... But I think I did a good job of deflecting their anger and not taking it personally.
Brandon got sick later in the week, and it ended up just being him and I at home while everyone else was either at work or helping my brother move... He threw up a couple times... once on the carpet, which I had to attempt cleaning up. After that I went to the store to pick up gatorade and other goodies for my sick child. Later in the afternoon he decided that every time he got up he ended up puking, and finally resigned himself to staying in bed... at which time, I also took a nap!
Today was long even though not much happened... One or the other of my various health problems decided to spike today and my supply of pain meds has done nothing to soothe my aches. I am happiest when curled up in a little ball.. but I've had several excuses that require my movement and so I haven't been able to stay in bed.
At this point, I am just ready to go to bed. Sleep sleep sleep. I'm glad this week is stake conference as it means I do not have any social obligations to fulfill, and it means as soon as church is over I can sleep.
I'm hoping things in my family will die down for a while, because I'm hoping to run off with my mother to our favorite camping spot. No phones. No drama. Just green therapy.
There was a death in the house this week. My mother's friend, Geraldine was living with us as my mother was taking care of her. I was upstairs in the room right above hers when it happened... forcing homework problems upon my nephews and nieces. It caused quite a stir in the house, as you might imagine... and I was tasked with keeping the kids busy upstairs so they wouldn't be downstairs as hospice and nurses and caretakers and family and all sorts of people came through the house. It was a long day for everyone.
There were mis-communications concerning funeral plans, and I had to field several angry phone calls... But I think I did a good job of deflecting their anger and not taking it personally.
Brandon got sick later in the week, and it ended up just being him and I at home while everyone else was either at work or helping my brother move... He threw up a couple times... once on the carpet, which I had to attempt cleaning up. After that I went to the store to pick up gatorade and other goodies for my sick child. Later in the afternoon he decided that every time he got up he ended up puking, and finally resigned himself to staying in bed... at which time, I also took a nap!
Today was long even though not much happened... One or the other of my various health problems decided to spike today and my supply of pain meds has done nothing to soothe my aches. I am happiest when curled up in a little ball.. but I've had several excuses that require my movement and so I haven't been able to stay in bed.
At this point, I am just ready to go to bed. Sleep sleep sleep. I'm glad this week is stake conference as it means I do not have any social obligations to fulfill, and it means as soon as church is over I can sleep.
I'm hoping things in my family will die down for a while, because I'm hoping to run off with my mother to our favorite camping spot. No phones. No drama. Just green therapy.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Judgement
If there is one thing that seems to be forming as a pattern in my life right now... it is Judgement. I watch everyone in my home constantly judging others. And while I understand where everyone is coming from... I don't really enjoy the constant negativity.
Then there's the other side of things... my awareness that people are also judging me. Even within my own friends and family. People don't really understand every angle or all the pieces to the equation. They don't understand what I feel or where my loyalties and duties lie. Everyone has different things that they prioritize due to how they were raised and what their goals are, and what their hopes and aspirations may be... And no one can truly understand all the variables that go into what decisions people make.
So why do we insist on judging others?
No, I do not currently have a job.
No, I do not currently have much of a life plan.
No, I am not currently set on a path that directly leads to a bachelor's degree.
But I do have reasons. I do have options. I do have goals and aspirations. And I have hope. I also have faith that everything will work out for the best. And if I don't know when, where, or how... I certainly don't think anyone else has any idea either.. besides God, of course.
So let's all give our friends, neighbors, family, and acquaintances a clean slate, fresh bill of health, and a little more of our respect than we were allowing before. Because we are all doing our best. That I do believe.
Then there's the other side of things... my awareness that people are also judging me. Even within my own friends and family. People don't really understand every angle or all the pieces to the equation. They don't understand what I feel or where my loyalties and duties lie. Everyone has different things that they prioritize due to how they were raised and what their goals are, and what their hopes and aspirations may be... And no one can truly understand all the variables that go into what decisions people make.
So why do we insist on judging others?
No, I do not currently have a job.
No, I do not currently have much of a life plan.
No, I am not currently set on a path that directly leads to a bachelor's degree.
But I do have reasons. I do have options. I do have goals and aspirations. And I have hope. I also have faith that everything will work out for the best. And if I don't know when, where, or how... I certainly don't think anyone else has any idea either.. besides God, of course.
So let's all give our friends, neighbors, family, and acquaintances a clean slate, fresh bill of health, and a little more of our respect than we were allowing before. Because we are all doing our best. That I do believe.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Fall fun
Sharon and Steve got a trampoline off freecycle the other day.. so we've got a pretty good sized trampoline in the backyard! Not as good as the one we had growing up, but still good. We've been jumping daily since! And taking pictures in the air of course! haha. It's been fun.
Last night we fixed up a little fire pit in the back yard and had a little camp fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and starbursts. It was a good, fun evening.. and a good day!
Oh the love!
Last night we fixed up a little fire pit in the back yard and had a little camp fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and starbursts. It was a good, fun evening.. and a good day!
Oh the love!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Complicated
well.. home life is currently ignoring the awkward intricacies that exist amongst our family relations right now.... so glad we master the game of pretend as children =/
I couldn't even begin to give a summary of the various kinds of drama that plague my home... and, to be honest... you wouldn't want to know. I don't even want to know most of the time. I try very hard not to know as much as possible actually... and yet I still feel plagued with drama. That's how bad it is.
Tension levels are high for multiple reasons.. I can think of atleast five off the top of my head. Everyone's emotions are pretty close to the surface about now, and there's usually some amount of yelling, screaming, fighting, general anger, or crying ... just about every day. Not to mention the use of breathing techniques. ha.
I hope we all gain something from this trial period.. That way it can atleast attempt being an experience worth all the fuss.
We'll be okay. I'm still okay =) So glad to have the church though.
I couldn't even begin to give a summary of the various kinds of drama that plague my home... and, to be honest... you wouldn't want to know. I don't even want to know most of the time. I try very hard not to know as much as possible actually... and yet I still feel plagued with drama. That's how bad it is.
Tension levels are high for multiple reasons.. I can think of atleast five off the top of my head. Everyone's emotions are pretty close to the surface about now, and there's usually some amount of yelling, screaming, fighting, general anger, or crying ... just about every day. Not to mention the use of breathing techniques. ha.
I hope we all gain something from this trial period.. That way it can atleast attempt being an experience worth all the fuss.
We'll be okay. I'm still okay =) So glad to have the church though.
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