Preparation

Michael and I bought a mattress this week! Box spring and frame included. There was a good sale going on and we decided that it would be best not to miss it and that we ought to buy it now rather than later. So for right now, it's taking up all the wall space on one side of my room lol.

Tell you what, we are certainly beginning to realize how expensive life can be! With school and rent and insurance! Not to mention everything else! lol. But if we both have a part time job we think it will work out fine. We might need a nudge of help just to start off with the immediate lump sums that are soon approaching, but we'll be self sufficient.

We're on the waiting list for atleast one married housing complex now, and we have plans to do some shopping/registering this Friday. I'm hoping to get engagement pictures done ASAP so I can have them... for one... order invitations for two... and post pictures on Facebook for three.

The other main thing I need to make some progress on is Wedding Dress shopping... but I feel pretty lost and alone on that subject! Same with what to do with my hair or how to make my reception beautiful and unique lol. Yay for life. Two more months until home and it truly consumes my life! haha

Meant to Be

I haven't known where I was supposed to be. I ended up deciding on Rexburg because it was practical, and because it had some pros riding along with it... like it being the place where Michael will be this semester. Really though, I haven't felt very comfortable in my own skin. I haven't felt for certain that this was really where I was supposed to be. Going to Kenya still weighs heavily on my mind and I feel such a strong pull to go.

But for now at least... I can tell you that Rexburg is where I need to be. I can't really explain it to you. It's been a collective of small things. Things like the fact that my ward here is the Rexburg YSA 2nd ward.... and my home ward in Texas used to be the Austin 2nd ward before its name changed. I know it seems silly, but it seems like a small little message to me that for now this can be home.

I don't know how long I'm supposed to be here... I don't know how long this is supposed to be home. Part of me still feels like I'll find a job, save up some money, and still find a way to get to Kenya this semester. I feel like my whole life revolves around finding a way to get myself to Kenya. I wish I could explain it.

I just have this image in my mind of that orphanage I was accepted to volunteer at... and the children there. I love them already and I haven't even met them yet.

Roommates

My roommate Courtney gave me an idea today. She did this unknowingly, but that's besides the point. On the fridge, she has made a list of all the roommates she's had in the last year. It's a pretty impressive list for only one year, I must admit. But I decided that making a list wasn't a bad idea. Especially taking my memory into account. It'd be a sad day if I forgot any... even the ones I'd prefer to forget! ;)

List of Roommates (Italicized ones I had for multiple semesters)

Amy - my Texan buddy

Dana - Quirky Virginian

Lyndsey - Nightmare!

Ariel - The peacemaker

Rebecca - Left a week later

Marianne - Always sleepy, or always gone

Jacqueline - Paranoid but friendly

Brittney - Funny and engaged! 

Ann - My London and Jerusalem lover

Kelsey - Sassy and lovely!

Colby - My honorary roommate!

Lauren - Late night security gone sk8r ;)

Cambria - Always gone with a boy

Rachel - Boy crazy... GONE crazy

Hayley - Waiting for a missionary

Karissa - Nice BUTT Lady! 

Krystal - No germophobe here; always calmed me down

Krysta - A young swing dancer

Jennie - Let's clean them dishes!

Rebecca - Wild and out of control! (In a good way!)

Brynn - Looking for a boy

Courtney - my Charmed companion

Megan - The hip English teacher

Rexburg

I'm back in Rexburg. Have been for a few days now. Went on a boating/camping trip with my new ward this weekend and it was really fun. I think it will prove to be a good ward. Certainly different than any other singles ward I've been to in Idaho, but it'll be good. I already have a nickname: "Del Taco" or "Taco Time" depending on who you ask. There's a girl in the ward named Kaitlyn, and everyone thinks we look like twins. Most people in the ward spent most of the weekend trying to tell the two of us apart. And her nickname is Taco Bell, so of course my nickname had to be related.

I'm different now than I used to be. I don't know if anyone really sees it. But something just clicked in me. I can't stop thinking about Kenya. Every time I see one of those ads about starving African children, I can't help but wish I was there. The feeling reminds me of colorguard... but stronger. Once you join colorguard, it's always in your blood. Always. You see an object and you size it up... and you wonder where it's center of balance is. Where would be the best place for you to place your hand to begin spinning it. Doesn't matter if it's a flag, a rifle, a sabre, or a broom stick. It's there. You want to spin things. It's in your heart. Always. Even if you let it go, as something you do all the time... it's still there in the heart. It changes you. And wanting to go to Kenya changed me. I can't explain it really. But I really do want to go.

I'm sitting here in Rexburg, and I'm so glad to be back. Rexburg has come to feel like home to me. I am home when I come to Rexburg. I realize that especially now that I've spent a summer in Provo. Somewhere that was neither Texas, or Idaho. It wasn't home. I enjoyed my time in Provo, don't get me wrong... but it will never feel like home the way Austin and Rexburg do to me.

And yet, even while I'm here--home--in Rexburg... something still isn't sitting right. I'll feel better once Michael gets here I know. But part of me still wants to know if I'm really meant to be here in Rexburg right now. I can tell my whole heart's not in it right now. And maybe that will change once Michael gets here, and I get a job, and begin to get into the habits of every day living again... but maybe it won't until I'm able to do whatever it is I'm supposed to do. I really only have two things on my mind. And one of them, is Kenya.

A Selfish Time

Living in student wards, something you hear a lot from people is how hard it is to be selfless and to devote time to serving others... Because your single years are "a pretty selfish time" while you're working on getting an education for yourself and find a spouse and whatever else single people think will some day make their life be better. But I could not disagree more.

I understand the concept that when you get married you are tied down a little more and restricted in the kind of adventures you can have, at least for while. And I understand the concept of making sure to live your life to the fullest so you won't have regrets when you get married. And maybe there's a thin line between living out your dreams for the here and now, and being selfish... But like I said... it's vague and thin line.

Saying that the stage of life you are currently in requires you to be selfish is in my opinion purely an excuse. And getting in the habit of making such an excuse will only enable you to further the habit the rest of your life. It means you view serving as some kind of burden, when really... the idea of service should not be a burden at all. It should be a part of who you are. What would this world be like, if we all could drop what we were doing when someone needed our service to them?

Charity brings forth service and service brings people closer in a way that you could never understand if charity and service weren't part of your very nature. Understanding what service can do for a relationship will allow your heart to yearn for the very opportunity to serve.

I want so badly to forget myself; to lose myself in a work greater than myself and to build relationships through service. I simply cannot get my desire to go to Kenya out of my mind. I find myself devising more and more possible plans to make it happen. I want to go so badly it makes me want to cry. And I don't think anyone understands that, or even why I want and possibly need to go.

I've battled this question of selfishness. Would it be selfish of me to go to Kenya? But at the same time, my mind says... how could it be? Is it not a righteous desire, to want to give my life in service of a people in need, for as long as I can afford to be there? One of my friends asked me recently... If I don't go to Kenya... is it something I will look back on, and forever regret? And honestly, I think the answer is yes.

I'm fully aware that not everyone can devote the resources or time to give their life to service on a long term basis... but in the end it's all about making service part of who you are. It's about wanting to serve. It's about being willing to devote time to service. It doesn't matter what stage of life you are in. There is no such things as "a selfish time in life." I don't understand how anyone could ever think that our Heavenly Father had it in his plan for us to take a break from being charitable. We're supposed to be growing to be like him all the time. Obviously, we should always be doing our best. And our best may change depending on our present circumstances, and how self reliant we are or how mentally stable we are... but the perspective I think we should all have... is a goal to do our best, all the time to serve, to love, and put others before our own problems.

Return to Rexburg

The past couple months I've spent a lot of time dwelling on whether or not I wanted to finish a four year degree, and whether or not I'm supposed to be a teacher. I have a lot of talents that mold well to the role of being a teacher but that doesn't necessarily mean that teaching is the career I'm meant to have. I spent a lot of time dwelling on the many possibilities I could choose or look into as a possible major... and how long each major would take to complete. I'm not one for academics, so my first strategy was to choose the first major I found that I could complete in the fewest amount of semesters. However, I then stumbled across a tool on BYU Idaho's website that gave a description of the interests and values found in each major. And all of the majors I had been considering were all of a sudden thrown out the window because I held none of the interests or values that seemed to be attributed to them.


I stumbled across some new possibilities... but I haven't decided yet if I entirely feel like they match what I feel I should be doing with my life. So I probably won't bring up any specifics until I feel more confident in what I'm going to do... but for now I feel peace on that search.


Besides that, my other main struggle has been deciding where I wanted to live in the Fall. My schedule of flip--flopping has gone between Texas, Provo, Logan, Idaho Falls, Rexburg, and Kenya. I got so excited at the prospect of going to Kenya, but for now atleast it isn't meant to be. But I also think that the process taught me some things about myself. So desiring to go was still a worthwhile endeavor. After ruling Kenya out of my list of options, everything else seemed to dull in comparison.


But I finally decided about a week ago that I wanted to return to Rexburg. Finding housing seemed daunting. Because I haven't been accepted back to BYU Idaho, I can't live in student housing and most community in Rexburg is reserved for married folk which makes the monthly price average around $500 a month... which for a single person is way too expensive! But through much searching I found a place that I'm pretty sure I will be able to afford. I texted the owner just yesterday and told her I'd take it! Only thing is, I won't have any roommates. So I'll have to have lots of external friends, or I won't have much of a social life!


My contract ends on the 12th so I'll probably leave either that day or the day before and either go straight to Rexburg or hang out for a little while in Logan. The fall semester I plan on just working. The winter semester I hope to move back into student housing and start back up with school again. Anyway, there's your basic summar of what's going on with Emily. My major life crises have been put at bay for the time being and I'm just crossing my little fingers that I'll find a job within my first week or two in Rexburg. Otherwise, I'm not sure where I'd go from there!


Here's hoping.
I'm excited to be in Rexburg again. I've always felt at home there.

Cherish Every Moment

We all need a past - that's where our sense of identity comes from.

Penelope Lively


Getting to know someone else involves curiosity about where they have come from, who they are.

Penelope Lively

I believe in asking questions. Some may say that I'm overly inquisitive. Some may say that I'm excessively observant. But to me, it's all part of making people a part of my life. If I truly care, then I want to remember everything. It's part of cherishing every moment of my life, of my time with individuals. Because I never know when the day will come, that I won't be near you. And for as long as I can, I want to be able to remember how you get up in the morning, or how you walk, or how you put on your shoes, or how you smile when you step outside into the sunlight, and how you expressed your love for me in even the simplest of ways.

I've never been good at getting to know new people during social outings because the trouble is that I simply don't care. Which probably sounds bad, but I'm not actually curious about where they have travelled, or what experiences that have had in life. I feel hollow when I do ask, so I refrain from asking so as to remain true to myself. Which probably gives people the impression that I am either stand off-ish, conceited, or shy. But I also believe the opinions of others only matter when we let them influence our opinions of ourselves.

I'll never understand people trying to forget where they've been, or who they've been with. I understand that sometimes we have to distance ourselves from some memories in order to heal or change... But I hope never to forget any person I've loved, or any experience that helped me be who I am now. And I don't believe anyone should. We can only be ashamed of our past if we did not learn something from it that made us better today.

And I believe that we should be willing to answer any question to an inquirer that is truly asking because they are curious about who we are. Because we should allow others the opportunity to cherish every moment with us, just as we are holding onto our memories of them.

Live every moment--every relationship in the here and now. Never hold on to anything that inhibits you from progressing.

Around the World

The last couple weeks, I have wanted to travel. I think this is something that a lot of people think they want at some point in their lives, and yet most people live their whole lives without even leaving the country they were raised in. Some people travel because they have the time, and the money. They travel for pleasure. See the sights, and leave. That has never appealed to me.

I left the country once in high school. Went to China. And all we really did, was see the sights. And I can't remember much about the trip because of it. Everyone knows I like to take pictures. You'd think I would be in to seeing the sights and taking pictures of everything. But I'm not. I'll do just about anything for a picture. But you know why that is? It's because I believe in making memories. And I believing in keeping those memories once they've been made.

I don't think anyone should go anywhere without a specific purpose in mind. I don't go to church just to go... I go with the purpose in mind of being uplifted and learning something I didn't know, or on a deeper level than I did before. I go to school to learn things and to apply those things to my own life so that I can use that knowledge for the benefit of someone else.

The past couple weeks, I decided I wanted to leave the country. In trying to decide where I would go, I asked myself where I thought I might do the most good. I didn't want to go somewhere just to go there, for the sake of being able to say "I've been to Ireland" or anything like that. The thought was not appealing in the least. Instead, I placed my thoughts and energies on the country of Kenya.

I can see myself there. I can see myself working in the orphanage I was accepted to volunteer in. The thought of devoting myself to serve the people of Kenya fills my soul and makes me want to cry with joy. My heart yearns to serve.

This is what I mean by having a purpose. Why go anywhere if you are not going to immerse yourself in something that will allow that country to touch you and become a part of who you are? Why do anything if it isn't to improve the life of someone else?

Anyway, those are my thoughts on traveling the world. Right now it appears that venture is slightly impractical and doesn't work well with the budget... but the notion still fills my thoughts and my hopes.
And I still desperately want to go.

I hope everyone has the chance to go somewhere and touch lives, and that your life will be forever touched as well.

Purpose

Three months before my Grandmother died on my father's side, I sent her a brief email inviting her to my blog. I had recently gained a testimony of family. I knew it wouldn't just be my mother and father and my siblings, or even my nephews and nieces that would join me in eternity. I knew I had not been the best at keeping up connections with my extended family. I wanted to be a peacemaker. I wanted to be the one that would bring my family back together. I wanted the chance to be a part of their lives. I realized that I loved them, without knowing them. And how great would eternity be with them, if I had spent my mortal life building relationships with them and growing to love them for more than our blood connection?

This was my grandmother's response:
I'll be curious as to what you think people will gain from reading your blog.  I've considered doing a blog, and have thought I might share my knowledge about teaching reading; but I've come to the conclusion that what I might think is valuable doesn't really resonate with the public. But, I support your effort to communicate.    Grandma Capps

Perhaps for those of you that did not  know my Grandmother, that will give you some sense of the woman that she was. I tried to email her back explaining my purpose, but besides a copy of a story she had written, this was the last thing she said or wrote to me before she died. It took some time before I felt any emotion about her passing. I spent one sleepless night, crying, fearing that because she was not sealed to me, I would never see her again. I would never have the chance to know my Grandmother. I would never have the chance to build a relationship with her. She would never know me. Light came in the middle of the night when I realized that in a year I would be able to do her work. She could be sealed to me. I could still be the peacemaker that would aid in bringing my family back together.  I haven't had the chance yet to make this happen. My Grandmother was a stubborn woman, and will need time for her heart to soften and accept the work I wish to begin. The rest of my family too needs time for their hearts to be ready to give me the permission I need.

The reason this is on my mind, is because I wondered the other day what were the last words my Grandmother sent to me; what record there was of our relationship. The reason why I'm sharing it with you, is because there are two things that stuck out to me upon reading her email this week.

The first was the following sentiment: "I'll be curious as to what you think people will gain from reading your blog." When I first responded to this, I told her that I didn't really have a purpose, but to keep people updated on my life. I suppose this signifies my youth at the time. My blog was more for me than for anyone else. Self centered. Not a tool. Not a resource. But for me, and about me. I didn't have a purpose. My life did not yet have a purpose either. So the last week I have wondered, what is my purpose? What purpose should I give to my life and my interactions with others? I am reminded of a phrase;
Christ doesn't just make up the difference. He makes all the difference.

Our lives should be centered on Christ. In our homes, in our schools, in our minds, in our vocations. How can my skills and my relationships be used to glorify God?

"The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal things we have to place on God's altar." Elder Neal A. Maxwell

I have felt this week that I am becoming ready to give my will. I have always been a self sacrificing person. I have always been able to put others before myself. I have always been able to love. But doing good things is different than doing things for the Lord. Serving others is not the same as serving people with a mind open to the idea that you are serving a child of God. Good, better, best kind of thing... if that makes any sense. I don't want to be good just for myself anymore. I want to be good for the Lord. I want to be an instrument he can use, and not just a mere tool. I want to be His.

The other thing that stuck out to me from my Grandmother's email was this: But, I support your effort to communicate. At first when I read that I don't really take it all that well. It makes my effort feel slightly underclassed. Like "Your attempt was a fail, but good try." But upon further thought... I am reminded of an audio track that was included in her journal that she gave to all her kids and grandkids. One of the things she said was "I hope our family does not disintrigrate" ... "and will keep in touch with eachother and rely on eachother in times of hardship" And I think she realized that my inviting her to my blog was an attempt on my part to fulfill her last wishes in her journal.

I don't know how to express what this makes me think or feel into words, but hopefully you are able to grasp some ounce of what it means to me that my Grandmother acknowledged that I wanted to communicate with her and have some sort of relationship... that I didn't want our family to disintigrate either.

I wish I could have known her and learned from her more. I wish she had been someone I could have asked questions about her life and her opinions and wisdom. Learned about her purpose as an agnostic and a teacher. Hearing her in that audio track as she describes her beliefs and that she does not believe she will see us again... I know I must live my life with purpose. I know I must live my life for Christ. I know I must be a frequenter of the temple. I know I want to bring people to the truth. I know hope exists. Just as I know my grandmother appreciated my effort to communicate, I know our Heavenly Father appreciates our communications to him through prayer.

I know the atonement is real. It is for me. It is for you. It is continuous. And it seals us all to Christ. And families are crucial. We can never forget the importance of the atonement and our families.

Hair Cut?

I need to get a haircut... simply said. But I've been thinking about what I should do with it. Ann the other day said in passing, that I should get bangs. And since then I've been thinking about it. There are a few factors that lead me to consider getting bangs:

1. I did have bangs when I was growing up and they were cute while I had them.
2. I have never wished to become like my father and keep the same haircut all my life.
3. I have considered getting bangs several times over the years.
4. My sisters and I have similar face shapes, and they can all pull off bangs (I should be able to, right?).
5. I need to do something different with my hair.

But let's be honest... getting bangs is a scary moment in one's life! There's no turning back! Not for atleast a good couple years and you're likely to go through some odd hair years if/when you try to grow them out. At any rate... it's been something on my mind, and I thought I'd put it on the floor for thoughts!
Hope everyone's having a wonderful week!