When Loved Ones Trust in The Atonement

I had an experience this week that made me think back to the "Senior Capstone" class at BYU Idaho. The point of the class was essentially supposed to be an exercise in decision making to prepare us for the real world, kind of thing. Each week we were presented with a new, controversial case and you'd have to write a paper explaining why you picked choice A or choice B. Some of them were easy and some of them definitely did not feel black and white. I don't remember the specifics of this particular case anymore but it must have been related to pornography. What I do remember was what happened during the discussion day when we were discussing it in class. There was a girl in our class who spoke up and said that if she found out that her boyfriend or fiancé had at one point been addicted to pornography, then she would break up with him no questions asked. And I remember thinking that was really really sad, and realistically didn't bode well for her future. To be fair... I don't know how old she was and perhaps by now she has wised up (not that age necessarily has anything to do with maturity).. but as prevalent as pornography is these days.. there's a pretty large percentage of the population, even among "good Christian folk" who struggle at one point or another with pornography (or drugs or alcohol or what have you). Saying you'll never date or marry a guy who's ever struggled with pornography or addiction in general definitely limits your dating pool. Not that it's bad to have high standards.. and in her position (especially since she wasn't married yet and since it's a hypothetical situation with little details anyway), if she didn't feel able to be a supportive future spouse for someone with that weakness then perhaps it would be better for them both not to be in a relationship with each other.. Especially if you're assuming the temptation is ongoing and not totally "in the past." But I'll tell you what really bothered me about the implications of that standpoint..

What it said to me was that she didn't have a real solid testimony of the atonement. She was denying the possibility that the atonement could totally absolve him of that past sin, and that it would be a permanent mark upon his character..  Now, I will acknowledge that addictions can create a weakness that may require your spouse to serve as a support in that area.. If your spouse is aware of that weakness they can help you avoid things that may act as triggers or things like that.. But to say that it is a permanent mark upon their character or that it makes them less valuable as a significant other is certainly not fair. Each of us are tempted by different things in life and it is being confronted by those struggles that teaches us what we need to learn and helps us grow stronger. In some things we are awesome and choose "no!" from  the very beginning, and in other things we falter. But no matter how  long it takes us to learn the lesson, we can still learn it. Doesn't matter how many times we mess up.. Learning the lesson is what mattered. Heavenly Father can still make our weaknesses be our strengths. Our experiences give us unique perspective that are meant to put us into the correct position in order to better serve specific people in our lives. And THAT is sacred, and awesome.

Today in church we were talking about how there are an awful lot of people who have faith in Christ... But what a lot of people seem to struggle with is believing that Christ's promises apply to them, and not just everybody else. I recently heard someone say that while they could believe Christ would forgive them.. they were afraid they wouldn't be able to find a spouse that was equally capable of believing Christ had forgiven them for their mistakes. Boy did that resonate with me! I have certainly struggled in life with believing that Christ's promises would truly apply to me, that I could be forgiven by Him.. And when I finally started to feel like I could be forgiven by Him, it seemed absolutely impossible that people around me--friends, family, my husband.. could believe so fully in the atonement as to treat me the same if they found out my flaws that had required repentance. And it has been an absolutely powerful, wonderful experience to witness that love and acceptance and forgiveness from people, especially my husband. Even if I do still experience some anxiety about the thoroughness of that acceptance and forgiveness, I am grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.

What was sweet this week was hearing someone recount of the support they had experienced from their spouse during struggles with temptation... And I felt such an immediate love and respect for their spouse for being able to be so supportive and forgiving. It immediately shouted to me, the level of their character and their testimony in the atonement! I wanted so badly to be able to talk to them and express that respect... and attempt to explain the level of gratitude that their spouse must feel.. And how beautiful and sacred it is to me, to be able to view them in that light... but for now, the circumstances don't allow that conversation to happen, and realistically, words can't sufficiently express my thoughts on the matter. Still, maybe one day I'll get the chance. For now, this will have to do! I think it was also helpful that given what I know about said spouse, I totally believe them capable of such a wonderful testimony of the atonement, and being the objective third-party on looker in a situation.. made it feel more real I guess that it was possible in my own life.

Moral of the story though.. is that the Lord can forgive us. Each of us, not just everybody else. And while people may not forgive as perfectly as the Lord, making it difficult for us to fully comprehend His forgiving abilities... people can be pretty awesome too. And while addictions, or temptations or trials or traumatic experiences suck, and can remain in our memory our whole lives... they can be just a memory. They don't have to be actively part of our daily life affecting our daily choices as struggles. Utilizing the atonement means asking the Lord for His help in carrying our burdens, and let's be honest.. the Lord is pretty buff and does a lot more of the work than we do, so long as we ask.

When Weak Things Become Strong

I saw an interesting blog the other day that was about a girl who felt as though it took leaving her Faith to find her faith. She felt as though her spirit had been broken, trying to fit a mold she just didn't fit. She believed the gospel, but felt unaccepted for her differences from the ideal, perfect woman in her religion. Really the story just made me sad for her experiences. It is a shame when people reject others because of their differences, or because their life took a turn perhaps others don't understand. She felt like she was most able to find her faith when she was able to break out of the expectation of fitting the mold. Which I think makes sense. While perhaps it wasn't her exact message, to me it sounded as though she felt like she had been utilizing her blog to talk about keeping strong with the faith when in reality she felt a bit like she was drowning. I have felt that worry I think when I do occasionally post things of a religious nature because I don't want people to get an inflated idea of who I am. I don't mean to misrepresent my strengths so to speak.

The reality I think we forget when reading the words of others that these things are on their mind for a reason. Often, I think, because that has been the very area in which they have been struggling. Often in life I have considered the passage of scripture:

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I suppose I have thought this to mean that we are able to turn our weaknesses, trials, struggles into our strengths because they help us turn to the Lord and the Lord then makes us strong. Which I think is true. But the flaw in my reasoning I think, is that I was thinking about it a bit like... learning to ride a bike. That it became permanent trait/skill. Once you learn, you don't forget. Perhaps you can get a bit rusty, lose the ability to perform tricks (if you were ever that cool) but you don't forget the basics of how to ride. And I had a hard time imagining my weaknesses becoming strengths that were that well ingrained in my soul. Or at least, I didn't feel like I had ever really witnessed it happen in myself.

But I think it doesn't just have to be thought of in that way. I think it applies on a much more temporary level too. In that moment when we are feeling weak, like we are overwhelmed or drowning, we often turn to the Lord. And the Lord can help us find the strength we need through talks on Sunday, wise words from friends, words from the scriptures, or through our own quiet contemplation in prayer. In the moment that we have that "Ah Ha" moment that buoys us up, our weakness has been strengthened. So it makes sense that things we feel the most unqualified to discuss in the gospel because of our own failings, may be things that we are able to find wisdom in, because it is not we who have found that strength, but the Lord who has given it to us. And obviously, He's pretty awesome in that category, when we but ask for his aid.

I think the issue then becomes that it is so easy to lose that humility that turned us toward the Lord. We can forget how much we needed him in that hour of need. And that may allow time to slowly degrade that strength back into a weakness again. And sometimes I think, we only need those strengths for a certain time or season, much like the blessings missionaries receive that may only last while they are out serving.

The calling I currently have at church has me going to a meeting every Thursday with the missionaries in our ward. The first several times attending these meetings I sort of felt overwhelmed. Not necessarily during the meeting because it is easy enough to sit in a chair and listen to other, wiser, more involved people chat back and forth, and perhaps make the occasional quip. But I certainly felt extremely unqualified. How could I brainstorm ideas to help people who were trying to find the gospel when I myself felt a bit like I was drowning? And the people there, especially my female counterpart just seemed so on top of things, dedicated, sincere, willing and happy to serve. Now, I'm not generally one for comparisons, so it's not that this observation was what was making me feel down on myself, just... life circumstances. It seemed a bit like that was the expectation, and I felt incapable of living up to that necessarily. Now, I don't know that at this point in my life I would try to argue that I am any more capable or qualified, or ready to magnify that calling... but I feel less like I am drowning, and more like I am swimming towards... something. So, it's less daunting at any rate. And the focus I have right now on deflating any self-shaming helps me feel less disappointed in where I am even if it does fall far below that of those around me.

The journey I have been on has been interesting because there have been those around me that have applauded the progress I've made... But I suppose I think that the applause goes more to the Lord than to myself. Because I'm not making these changes. I'm not making this progress. It's the Lord that's giving it to me as I attempt to turn aspects of my life over to him. It is not my strength, but His. I feel... dishonest I suppose, in a sense, when people praise my strength... because I do not think it is mine. Anyway.. moral of the story I suppose is that... we don't have to fit within the mold to find the strength the Lord wants us to have. Hopefully some of that made sense ;)

#MormonAndGay

My Facebook feed has fairly recently been filling up with this hashtag. Not overwhelmingly so, but it's there. I didn't learn until today that it wasn't just some separate group of Mormons that was instigating this. Instead, there's a legitimate link connected to lds.org that is dedicated to this subject:

https://mormonandgay.lds.org/

I'm not entirely sure how to best describe my thoughts on this subject without things getting too personal for me. But aside from any personal feelings I may have on the matter.. I think most of us recognize this is a sensitive issue. Most of us in this day and age have probably known someone, even if they weren't a Mormon someone, who identified as gay, lesbian or bi-sexual etc. I have also come across members of the church who identify, or have identified as experiencing same-sex attraction. We love these people. And no one wishes sadness or hardship on those they love. I should make one thing absolutely clear. No struggle in this life, regardless of any one person's opinions of said struggle, qualifies a person for being hated or abused or disliked or anything of the kind. Each of us experiences trials uniquely suited for our personalities, strengths, weaknesses, etc... and are designed to help us build the tools Heavenly Father needs us to have to be of the most use to Him. It's up to us to figure out what we are supposed to learn, and how we can best utilize the lessons we have learned in order to bring people to Christ.

That being said, I think the idea that society should accept any or all inclinations as "normal" or "okay" is naive regardless of whether or not people are born that way or whether it is due to their experiences and choices in life. Take pedophilia for example. For the most part, we as a society, do not accept this as acceptable behavior. We deem children to be unable to protect themselves, unable to carry the weight of sexual activity, and therefore unfit to make such decisions or engage in such relationships. If that opinion were to change, then there would be no reason, under the current political atmosphere, for sexual relationships between an adult and a child to be prohibited. As it is, it's probably a little shaky anyway since we already have policies in place to try children as adults for serious crimes committed. Gut reaction? That'll never happen. But, you know what... people criticized the LDS Church for not supporting the Equal Rights Act despite the fact that the Church teaches that men and women are equal. The Church's issue was not with giving women more rights, the issue was the holes and connotations of the Act that would allow other things it would not support such as co-ed bathrooms, or forcing women to join the draft. Everyone said "that will never be an issue" "that's ridiculous" and I remember thinking the same thing when I learned about it myself. But look where we are today...

Now, I know it seems rather unfair to compare gays to pedophiles, and I do not mean any offense by that. Like I said, all struggles are legitimate. I do not believe that experiencing an attraction to children makes someone a terrible person. That person wants to feel love, give love, be loved, just like anyone else. And often those feelings are a symptom of their own life experiences. And Heavenly Father understands how our experiences effect our bodies and our minds better than any of us do. Just because they feel like that love can only be experienced with a child, does not make their feelings illegitimate, and it does not make them a terrible person. Acting on it is what is wrong. And I feel sorry for any person who struggles with something they find contrary to their personal values. What makes it wrong is that children are in fact, not ready to carry the weight of those kinds of relationships, and, of course, I do not believe Heavenly Father approves of any relationship that limits spiritual or personal growth. Regardless of the attraction or temptation, we cannot just accept it in order to avoid offending someone. You may say that they can never be happy if we do not make them feel comfortable in the lifestyle they are inclined to follow, and they should have the same rights and chances to be happy as anyone else, but we simply cannot, and do not make laws based on that idea. I may be inclined to steal in order to be "happy" but that doesn't mean it should be legal. I may be inclined to kill people, but that doesn't make it right or legal. Perhaps I feel like I cannot experience joy without hurting people, that still doesn't make it right. It doesn't matter if it's between "consenting individuals." We do not accept this excuse in any other circumstance, but for some reason, we have applied it to the gay narrative. I understand the argument, and I feel the pain of knowing someone may not be able to express their love. That is truly saddening. I have worn those shoes, struggling with things contrary to my values, and it sucks. But it doesn't make them right.

When I first began researching the Church's stance on same-sex attraction back in high school, I was so incredibly glad to find that the Church agreed with this notion that no struggle makes someone inherently unworthy of gospel blessings. The church does not support any extra-marital sexual relationships. Doesn't matter if you're straight or gay. Many people argue that that stance should not prevent the church from supporting gay marriage. But, the fact of the matter is, one of our primary beliefs is that there are spirits waiting in Heaven to be born. And they cannot have the blessings of celestial glory, experience the joy of life, or family, experience personal growth, or gain the experience of finding and choosing Christ on this earth.. without a body. A body is required for growth. And the fact of the matter is that homosexual relationships cannot fulfill that sacred responsibility to create life. Therefore, they are contrary to the plan of God. The fact of the matter remains that we were not sent to this earth just to experience joy and intimacy. We were sent here to learn, to create life, and to grow closer to God. And if homosexual relationships are contrary to God's plan, we cannot grow closer to him by choosing a life contrary to His plan. We cannot grow to be the greatest tool in His hands if we are not striving to fulfill his plan for our lives. Consider for a moment the concept that all our trials and struggles, whether physical, mental, emotional, situational... they'll all disappear in the "next life." If same-sex attraction is nothing more than one of those struggles and it all just disappears... Wouldn't it be sad if that had been one of your primary focuses on identity and growth, and then it was all just stripped away? There are other things, than just our sexuality, regardless of your sexuality, that should be prioritized in life. Helping people come to Christ is one of them.

I will certainly never argue that it is fair. The notion that someone may go through life feeling unable to connect with someone in that special way regardless of the reason, whether it be because they never get married, because they feel an attraction they cannot act on, whatever the reason... that sucks. But life isn't fair for any of us. We all experience things in life that aren't "fair." We all experience things we wish we could change but cannot. That does not make any of us entitled to anything. We are not entitled to "fairness." That does not mean we cannot find joy. Plenty of people never get married. Plenty of people never get what they want. That does not mean we cannot overcome our trials even if they continue to taunt us our entire lives. We are stronger than that. We are more creative than that. Plenty of people go through sucky life experiences, growing up in orphanages and foster care, or being abused in childhood and/or adulthood, or even simply being a woman among chauvinists, or a minority surrounded by racists. The effects of those trials may never leave those people. They may be haunted by them the rest of their lives. But that does not mean they cannot experience joy. Obviously we should do all we can to limit those kinds of things from happening to people, which you may argue is cause to support gay marriage, but like I said... our experiences help us grow to be the tools God needs, and our choices are meant to be ones that align with God's plan. Take away the struggle and perhaps you are taking away that opportunity for growth. No matter our struggles, we are all children of God. We have divine potential. We are loved. In short, we are all awesome. And the beauty of the atonement is that Jesus experienced all pain and temptation. He understands, and knows we can endure. Because he knows just exactly what our potential is. He knows exactly how awesome you are. Trust in that.

Now, on a more relevant note regarding the hashtag, #MormonAndGay... I wonder how many people are wondering how this relates to the comment Elder Bednar made a while back about how there are no gay Mormons. I thought I'd clarify this and talk on it for a moment. Realistically, this is one of those quotes that is taken out of context and has loads more meaning, and makes loads more sense when put in context. The full quote:

"I want to change the question–there are no homosexual members of the Church. We are not defined by sexual attraction. We are not defined by sexual behavior. We are sons and daughters of God and all of us have different challenges in the flesh. . . . Simply being attracted to someone of the same gender is not a sin."

Elder Bednar is by no means attempting to argue that there are no members who experience same-sex attraction. Far from it. He is merely attempting to change the narrative. What he is arguing is that our sexual preference should not be something we consider paramount to our personal identity. I do not consider my attraction toward brunettes as part of my identity. I do not include my love of chocolate as part of my identity. No matter how high on my list of priorities it may be, that still doesn't mean it is part of my identity. I would be considered a strange one indeed if in every introduction I declared my love of cheese as being one of the top things you needed to know about me. Even more "normal" things, like a love of dogs, that very well may be something people include as something people should know about them... doesn't have to be part of their "identity." My identity is first and foremost, a child of God. I am a daughter, a woman, a wife, a mother, I am not my likes and dislikes. I am not my good and bad choices. I am not my trials or traumas. I am not my mental or physical illnesses. I am who I become because of those things. But I am not THEM. And only I can decide who I become because of those things. Thus why one of my favorite quotes is:

"We conclude that the Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become."
-Dallin H. Oaks

This is why the church does not tell people who experience same-sex attraction to bite the bullet and marry someone of the opposite sex. Because it would be more miserable to pretend to be interested in something you're not, and unfair to the other person in that partnership, and "going through the motions" is not what our Heavenly Father wants from us. If someone first feels that they have overcome their same-sex attraction and feels they are able to experience heterosexual attraction, then yes, marriage is one of our primary goals as Latter-day saints. But that change is paramount, and not everyone may experience that change in this life. If you believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan to show us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become, then you must believe that making choices congruent with that plan should be priority number one. I, for one, am interested in seeing the potential my Heavenly Father sees in me, and doing what I can to reach that potential, rather than focusing first on my personal pleasure.

I totally understand the difficulty in not tying one's sexual preferences into their identity. Society has taught us that it is, and it is easy to become a product of societal expectations and beliefs. Might I share the following quote from Elder Holland:

“You serve yourself poorly when you identify yourself primarily by your sexual feelings. That isn’t your only characteristic, so don’t give it disproportionate attention. You are first and foremost a son of God, and He loves you."

I think that is a wonderful way of putting it. Do not underestimate yourself, your identity, or your potential. We each have a thousand personal characteristics, the combination of which make us unique. Who we become because of those combinations are unique. But there is no reason to put one characteristic above the others. Do not give it disproportionate attention. Do not forget your other qualities. Don't forget that you have a hundred talents you could foster, a hundred passions. God did not put us down on earth to experience only sadness or only joy. We need both in our lives. The church is not necessarily trying to push people to forget the characteristic of experiencing same-sex attraction. Merely focus on the growth we can experience by cultivating our other traits. And remember, nobody's worth or value is lessened because of the struggles they experience or the mistakes that they make.

By no means, do I expect everyone and their dog to agree with me. By no means, do I expect that the world will ever accept this notion without divine intervention... By no means do I expect anyone's opinion to change who is not already on the fence. By no means do I intend to insult, hurt or slight anyone or their experiences. And I certainly do not intend to imply that mine is the only opinion that is valid. All I am saying... is that the ability to act on one's impulses is not a prerequisite for happiness... You CAN be gay, and Mormon, and live fully within the guidelines of gospel principles, and be HAPPY. I'm certainly not saying it isn't hard. Lot's of things are hard. But it is possible. And Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. But he loves us enough not to encourage us to seek only temporary, earthly happiness. He wants us to seek eternal happiness. Eternity is a lot longer than just today. Plenty of us have been willing to eat our undesired vegetables in order to earn dessert. It may be hard to apply that to the grand scheme of things... but... hard things often have big rewards.

And, if you have made it to the end of this blog... you deserve dessert ;D Let me know if you ever need to cash in. If proximity allows, I'll certainly comply ;D Unless you're some random dude I don't know 😜

Burdens Carried

Sorry it's been a while yet. Lately I've been dwelling on things I keep close to the vest.. So I haven't necessarily known what to say to this audience necessarily. I prolly still don't, but wanted to post something if for no other reason than to release some anxiety by writing.

The other day I came across this story and it seems appropriate to share at this time:

One evening a few years ago, I was interviewing adults for renewal of their temple recommends. A middle-aged woman came in for her interview. She had been married in the temple and was active in the Church all her life.

I sensed a deep sadness in her soul. As the interview progressed, I received a spiritual impression. I said to her, “Sister, I have the impression that you made a serious mistake when you were a teenager that you haven’t confessed to a priesthood leader. Would you be willing to tell me about it?”

She immediately began to cry. She told me that was true, but she had always felt too embarrassed to confess it to a bishop. As she confessed what she had done, she shared sufficient detail for me to make a determination of her worthiness.

The confession of her sin to a priesthood leader marked the end of her repentance process rather than the beginning. She had unnecessarily carried the burden and sorrow of that sin for more than 30 years.

Because she had completed the final step of repentance, her guilt was swept away. I would occasionally see her after the night of that interview. Her countenance became bright, and she was happy.... [and] was relieved of feelings of guilt that she had carried far too many years.

This is something I understand. I was actually very grateful to come across this story because it was one of those confirming moments of "I am not alone." I remember sitting in a bishop's office in college, confessing something that had happened over ten years prior, feeling a little worried the bishop would think I was a tad silly for telling him about something so old.... but also confident, because of the nature of what had happened, that I absolutely needed to take care of it with a bishop. I was certainly embarrassed and full of sorrow, but also grateful for the opportunity to cease carrying the burden on my own, and instead, allow the Savior to take it from me. Realistically it's still something I continue to carry, but I know I am not carrying it alone, even if I haven't been able to completely give it to the Lord yet. And, for that I am grateful.

It makes me sad to think that there are probably many people in this boat, carrying their burdens alone because they have yet to take the courage to get help in giving them away to the Lord. 'Cause it sucks to be in that boat.

I was reading through some emails the other day and found a friend's account of her impressions of me before we had ever spoken. I'll share some of what she said.

I remember looking at you sometimes and thinking that you looked tired or sad- but that you probably wouldn't tell me if I asked anyway.

I suppose I find that interesting. I don't remember specifics from the time period... but I know I was in a spiritual low point at the time and often found myself feeling sullen at church where she had the most opportunity to observe my mood. I mean it's always interesting to see what people thought of you before you became friends, or even early in your friendship... but really I've always been impressed by the level of intuition that observation required. Rarely do I wear my emotions on my face obviously enough for the average person to notice and only when I really don't give a crap haha. Happens more often when I'm grumpy ;) What it comes down to I think, is that I was carrying a burden, a few perhaps. Not "burdens" in the above context meaning ones that needed to be taken to a bishop, but burdens none the less. Burdens that could have been lightened had I found a way at the time to ask my Heavenly Father for help in carrying them, healing them. Burdens can be traumas, trials, sins... no matter the reason, they weigh on our souls and in the long run can effect our countenance. And that is most easily observed by people listening to the Holy Ghost. I look forward to the next chance I have to be prompted by the Spirit, assuming I am smart enough to act on it... so that I can help someone figure out how to lighten their burdens.. wether thats by encouraging them to take it to the Lord, or by listening and becoming their friend. It's a wonderful blessing to help someone lighten their load.