When Weak Things Become Strong

I saw an interesting blog the other day that was about a girl who felt as though it took leaving her Faith to find her faith. She felt as though her spirit had been broken, trying to fit a mold she just didn't fit. She believed the gospel, but felt unaccepted for her differences from the ideal, perfect woman in her religion. Really the story just made me sad for her experiences. It is a shame when people reject others because of their differences, or because their life took a turn perhaps others don't understand. She felt like she was most able to find her faith when she was able to break out of the expectation of fitting the mold. Which I think makes sense. While perhaps it wasn't her exact message, to me it sounded as though she felt like she had been utilizing her blog to talk about keeping strong with the faith when in reality she felt a bit like she was drowning. I have felt that worry I think when I do occasionally post things of a religious nature because I don't want people to get an inflated idea of who I am. I don't mean to misrepresent my strengths so to speak.

The reality I think we forget when reading the words of others that these things are on their mind for a reason. Often, I think, because that has been the very area in which they have been struggling. Often in life I have considered the passage of scripture:

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I suppose I have thought this to mean that we are able to turn our weaknesses, trials, struggles into our strengths because they help us turn to the Lord and the Lord then makes us strong. Which I think is true. But the flaw in my reasoning I think, is that I was thinking about it a bit like... learning to ride a bike. That it became permanent trait/skill. Once you learn, you don't forget. Perhaps you can get a bit rusty, lose the ability to perform tricks (if you were ever that cool) but you don't forget the basics of how to ride. And I had a hard time imagining my weaknesses becoming strengths that were that well ingrained in my soul. Or at least, I didn't feel like I had ever really witnessed it happen in myself.

But I think it doesn't just have to be thought of in that way. I think it applies on a much more temporary level too. In that moment when we are feeling weak, like we are overwhelmed or drowning, we often turn to the Lord. And the Lord can help us find the strength we need through talks on Sunday, wise words from friends, words from the scriptures, or through our own quiet contemplation in prayer. In the moment that we have that "Ah Ha" moment that buoys us up, our weakness has been strengthened. So it makes sense that things we feel the most unqualified to discuss in the gospel because of our own failings, may be things that we are able to find wisdom in, because it is not we who have found that strength, but the Lord who has given it to us. And obviously, He's pretty awesome in that category, when we but ask for his aid.

I think the issue then becomes that it is so easy to lose that humility that turned us toward the Lord. We can forget how much we needed him in that hour of need. And that may allow time to slowly degrade that strength back into a weakness again. And sometimes I think, we only need those strengths for a certain time or season, much like the blessings missionaries receive that may only last while they are out serving.

The calling I currently have at church has me going to a meeting every Thursday with the missionaries in our ward. The first several times attending these meetings I sort of felt overwhelmed. Not necessarily during the meeting because it is easy enough to sit in a chair and listen to other, wiser, more involved people chat back and forth, and perhaps make the occasional quip. But I certainly felt extremely unqualified. How could I brainstorm ideas to help people who were trying to find the gospel when I myself felt a bit like I was drowning? And the people there, especially my female counterpart just seemed so on top of things, dedicated, sincere, willing and happy to serve. Now, I'm not generally one for comparisons, so it's not that this observation was what was making me feel down on myself, just... life circumstances. It seemed a bit like that was the expectation, and I felt incapable of living up to that necessarily. Now, I don't know that at this point in my life I would try to argue that I am any more capable or qualified, or ready to magnify that calling... but I feel less like I am drowning, and more like I am swimming towards... something. So, it's less daunting at any rate. And the focus I have right now on deflating any self-shaming helps me feel less disappointed in where I am even if it does fall far below that of those around me.

The journey I have been on has been interesting because there have been those around me that have applauded the progress I've made... But I suppose I think that the applause goes more to the Lord than to myself. Because I'm not making these changes. I'm not making this progress. It's the Lord that's giving it to me as I attempt to turn aspects of my life over to him. It is not my strength, but His. I feel... dishonest I suppose, in a sense, when people praise my strength... because I do not think it is mine. Anyway.. moral of the story I suppose is that... we don't have to fit within the mold to find the strength the Lord wants us to have. Hopefully some of that made sense ;)