I had an experience this week that made me think back to the "Senior Capstone" class at BYU Idaho. The point of the class was essentially supposed to be an exercise in decision making to prepare us for the real world, kind of thing. Each week we were presented with a new, controversial case and you'd have to write a paper explaining why you picked choice A or choice B. Some of them were easy and some of them definitely did not feel black and white. I don't remember the specifics of this particular case anymore but it must have been related to pornography. What I do remember was what happened during the discussion day when we were discussing it in class. There was a girl in our class who spoke up and said that if she found out that her boyfriend or fiancé had at one point been addicted to pornography, then she would break up with him no questions asked. And I remember thinking that was really really sad, and realistically didn't bode well for her future. To be fair... I don't know how old she was and perhaps by now she has wised up (not that age necessarily has anything to do with maturity).. but as prevalent as pornography is these days.. there's a pretty large percentage of the population, even among "good Christian folk" who struggle at one point or another with pornography (or drugs or alcohol or what have you). Saying you'll never date or marry a guy who's ever struggled with pornography or addiction in general definitely limits your dating pool. Not that it's bad to have high standards.. and in her position (especially since she wasn't married yet and since it's a hypothetical situation with little details anyway), if she didn't feel able to be a supportive future spouse for someone with that weakness then perhaps it would be better for them both not to be in a relationship with each other.. Especially if you're assuming the temptation is ongoing and not totally "in the past." But I'll tell you what really bothered me about the implications of that standpoint..
What it said to me was that she didn't have a real solid testimony of the atonement. She was denying the possibility that the atonement could totally absolve him of that past sin, and that it would be a permanent mark upon his character.. Now, I will acknowledge that addictions can create a weakness that may require your spouse to serve as a support in that area.. If your spouse is aware of that weakness they can help you avoid things that may act as triggers or things like that.. But to say that it is a permanent mark upon their character or that it makes them less valuable as a significant other is certainly not fair. Each of us are tempted by different things in life and it is being confronted by those struggles that teaches us what we need to learn and helps us grow stronger. In some things we are awesome and choose "no!" from the very beginning, and in other things we falter. But no matter how long it takes us to learn the lesson, we can still learn it. Doesn't matter how many times we mess up.. Learning the lesson is what mattered. Heavenly Father can still make our weaknesses be our strengths. Our experiences give us unique perspective that are meant to put us into the correct position in order to better serve specific people in our lives. And THAT is sacred, and awesome.
Today in church we were talking about how there are an awful lot of people who have faith in Christ... But what a lot of people seem to struggle with is believing that Christ's promises apply to them, and not just everybody else. I recently heard someone say that while they could believe Christ would forgive them.. they were afraid they wouldn't be able to find a spouse that was equally capable of believing Christ had forgiven them for their mistakes. Boy did that resonate with me! I have certainly struggled in life with believing that Christ's promises would truly apply to me, that I could be forgiven by Him.. And when I finally started to feel like I could be forgiven by Him, it seemed absolutely impossible that people around me--friends, family, my husband.. could believe so fully in the atonement as to treat me the same if they found out my flaws that had required repentance. And it has been an absolutely powerful, wonderful experience to witness that love and acceptance and forgiveness from people, especially my husband. Even if I do still experience some anxiety about the thoroughness of that acceptance and forgiveness, I am grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.
What was sweet this week was hearing someone recount of the support they had experienced from their spouse during struggles with temptation... And I felt such an immediate love and respect for their spouse for being able to be so supportive and forgiving. It immediately shouted to me, the level of their character and their testimony in the atonement! I wanted so badly to be able to talk to them and express that respect... and attempt to explain the level of gratitude that their spouse must feel.. And how beautiful and sacred it is to me, to be able to view them in that light... but for now, the circumstances don't allow that conversation to happen, and realistically, words can't sufficiently express my thoughts on the matter. Still, maybe one day I'll get the chance. For now, this will have to do! I think it was also helpful that given what I know about said spouse, I totally believe them capable of such a wonderful testimony of the atonement, and being the objective third-party on looker in a situation.. made it feel more real I guess that it was possible in my own life.
Moral of the story though.. is that the Lord can forgive us. Each of us, not just everybody else. And while people may not forgive as perfectly as the Lord, making it difficult for us to fully comprehend His forgiving abilities... people can be pretty awesome too. And while addictions, or temptations or trials or traumatic experiences suck, and can remain in our memory our whole lives... they can be just a memory. They don't have to be actively part of our daily life affecting our daily choices as struggles. Utilizing the atonement means asking the Lord for His help in carrying our burdens, and let's be honest.. the Lord is pretty buff and does a lot more of the work than we do, so long as we ask.
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